Ritalin
So it's been quite a while since I've posted in my journal. It's not because I've had nothing to say, it's because I didn't want to. I guess I was just waiting to see what things would happen, and to see where things ended. *shrugs* I thought about posting many times I just decided to hold off on it for the time being. So .. Now I'm ready to post *laugh* ... I probably will have a lot to say ... so hopefully you are bored and want to read *grins*About a month ago I was finally taken off of Strattera and put on Ritalin SR (Sustended Release). I was put on 20MG A day. I must say I noticed a difference immediately. I found myself being very tired, calm, relaxed. Able to focus easier as well as control my impulses. Was it a huge different difference? No. But ... It gave me a chance that I haven't felt like I ever had. Unfortunately the Ritalin was putting me to sleep shortly after taking it. I was taking it in the morning so throughout the whole day I felt very tired and just wanted to sleep. So they switched me from taking it in the morning to taking it at night. Yet another difference. Finally I feel like I have more control over myself. I find myself able to relax, sleep, and just be me. A difference that feels so relieving and good. Though I must say it's different to see my Endless Energy to finally have a end *lol* ...
This has also made me realize something. That a lot of my impulses and many other "quirks" have become habbits. I find myself able to control my focus and impulsity much easier... yet I find myself still doing it. I notice it's also been a common thing for me. So .. I'm now working on trying to break the habbit. I've spent 24 years of my life in the same pattern, now I'm trying to break it. So much is different... I cannot express how great I feel .. how happy I am. My life has changed dramatically in the last year since me and Taobeth broke up.
Of course speaking about Taobeth ... I heard from her a few weeks ago. She sent me a message saying she is glad that I am happy and it makes her happy. This kind of threw me off guard because I wasn't expecting to hear from her. But .... like a fish and bait, I bit. I messaged her back. She responded that a lot has been going on and she'l be posting in her journal, which she did (something she hadn't done in a while). This brought up a lot of curosity. One wondering why did she message me? ... Was there a reason behind this ... or what. I was also curious to see if she had changed herself. Our relationship from the beginning was quite screwed up. I was lonely, dependant and lost in my life ... as was she. She was still growing, young and had issues of her own. At some points she always acted like she was perfect and nothing was wrong with her, but it was far from the truth. Basically we were two incompatible people who found eachother, and tried to make something work that would never work. She did do some bad things throughout the year, but I kept with it. I sometimes wonder why.
From what I've seen not too much has changed with her. It seems like she is still struggling and having some problems. She may find this offensive if she ends up reading this, but I don't care. This is only my opinion and I'm not classifying her or saying "this is what she is" ... but this is just what I see. I mean no offense, nor am I trying to take a blow. In fact just from reading her journal I just got the expression that she is struggling to find herself .... find her place. .. and many other things. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. I know several people in my life tell me I shouldn't care and I should just ignore her and tell her off. but I can't. Why? Because I'm caring and compassionate. I care about everyone, no matter what. I've learned through my own experiences that sometimes their are things that are beyond our control .. that can make us do things .. and be ways we don't want to be. I spent many years like this, and only now have I had the final chance to show my true potential. Yet I still sometime struggle, or find myself hit barriers. But I have a counselor that I think is wonderful, Medication to balance my system out, friends whom love and support me ... and a caring Family. It may make some people mad about all I said above ... but the fact is Taobeth is a person just like the rest of us, and I wish her the best .. because she is human, and a person. I look back at what I was and how much I've changed and grown. I've forgiven myself and others for things that happened to me. Now I've made my decision to do what I can to make this world a better place. To hopefully someday make a difference in people's lives and show them that they can be who they really are.
Onto the next .... Work. I finally have my new shift. I started back in January my 2-10:30pm (Swing Shift) shift at work. I love it. After 2 1/2 years of living a life of graveyard .. which I must say wasn't much of a life... I am finally free. I love the fact I can go out at nights ... or sleep in if I want to. I felt like a new person almost immediately when I got my new shift. I enjoy work a lot more as well as find it a lot easier than graveyard *laugh*. At the same time abou 3 weeks ago we got a new client called RKeeper. Apparently it's a POS/Restaurant Software from Russia. Anyways they are working on establishing clients here in the U.S. and they choose us to do their Help Desk Support. My boss choose me to handle the software and learn how to use it. It feels great to be able to play with something new, and learn. I'm taking the initative to learn as much as I can and do what I can to help the helpdesk. I really don't give a Shit about the Company, but the helpdesk itself is like family... even though RSI Headquarters treats us like the Bastardized Child.
I am also working on getting on the Good side of both RSI and RKeeper. I know the guy at RKeeper is just absolutely amazed by me.. both him and my boss have expresed that they are very impressed by me. I've been working on Plans to move to portland this summer.. I'm not sure who else will be going down there with me (Plans were me, alicia and Eric. But .. it may be a bigger group). I'm thinking that if I can get on their good sides .. (either company) I might be able to land a job doing something. who knows, we'll see. I'm scared shitless about moving, yet at the same time very excited. I've always wanted to live in a bigger city, especially close to the ocean. Not to mention that their are great schools down their and the opportunites are endless. I applied for Student Loan, and by the looks of it got it *shrugs* .. No clue I'm new to that fact. Now I just need to figure out my living Situation.
Things are kind of odd with that because me and Malia have grown very close. I'm not in love with her but I do like her a lot. Many people would consider us dating ... boyfriend / girlfriend. But we are very hesitant to say that. Mainly because we fear of losing our freedom... or by using that term we'll head down the road of Jealousy ... Dependency and many other things we don't want. We believe in Freedom .. and we enjoy what we have. But things are getting more serious as we go on. Their has been a lot of talk about her coming down to portland with us. I know Alicia is kinda eh about it because she is Fulltime with her Daughter and it makes things Harder getting a place together, her and gregg have talked about getting their own place if that happens. But Malia is a great and wonderful person. She is beautiful and smart. She also has a lot of potential and her actions over the last few years have shown it. Living in Coeur d' Alene will only drag her down... the area is a hole and it tends to suck people in it and never let them out. That's why getting out of their I believe is the best thing for her. she has her brother in Portland .... as well as like I said the school their are good from what I hear. The opportunity is there. I told her that if she decides (and can) come down to portland, that it be for her own benefit, not for a "us". She agree's. What will happen with portland? I have no clue. but i'm trying my hardest to figure things out so everyone is happy.
Things for Alicia though have been complicated lately. She lost her job in January, as well as her Ex Boyfriend Matt ... has gone completely psychotic. Talk about a man with Issues... jeeus. Anyways .. that's not the point. She has fallen in love with Gregg ... and they have been spending a lot of time together. I do find myself missing alicia, though we don't get the quality time to spend together like we use to. I still love and care for her. and when I do get time to spend with her alone. Or lie next to her... rub her shoulders, anything. It makes me smile a lot. Alicia is a great amount of support for me. I care so much about her. She's been very down and sick in recent weeks so I've been trying to do what I can to keep that smile on her face. Though there has been several things I've wanted to talk to Alicia about lately .... I just tend to forget ... or not know how to express it to her. But I figure eventually, when the time is right I'll say them.
So ... Bored yet? Have you actually read all this shit? .... to summarize most of this. I'm happy. I'm living a life I never thought I would live. I have finally started to find myself .. my place in this world. If you told me a year ago that I would be like this ... I would of called you crazy. But look at me now. I smile in life .. I enjoy life ... and I love it.
I'm happy.
This has also made me realize something. That a lot of my impulses and many other "quirks" have become habbits. I find myself able to control my focus and impulsity much easier... yet I find myself still doing it. I notice it's also been a common thing for me. So .. I'm now working on trying to break the habbit. I've spent 24 years of my life in the same pattern, now I'm trying to break it. So much is different... I cannot express how great I feel .. how happy I am. My life has changed dramatically in the last year since me and Taobeth broke up.
Of course speaking about Taobeth ... I heard from her a few weeks ago. She sent me a message saying she is glad that I am happy and it makes her happy. This kind of threw me off guard because I wasn't expecting to hear from her. But .... like a fish and bait, I bit. I messaged her back. She responded that a lot has been going on and she'l be posting in her journal, which she did (something she hadn't done in a while). This brought up a lot of curosity. One wondering why did she message me? ... Was there a reason behind this ... or what. I was also curious to see if she had changed herself. Our relationship from the beginning was quite screwed up. I was lonely, dependant and lost in my life ... as was she. She was still growing, young and had issues of her own. At some points she always acted like she was perfect and nothing was wrong with her, but it was far from the truth. Basically we were two incompatible people who found eachother, and tried to make something work that would never work. She did do some bad things throughout the year, but I kept with it. I sometimes wonder why.
From what I've seen not too much has changed with her. It seems like she is still struggling and having some problems. She may find this offensive if she ends up reading this, but I don't care. This is only my opinion and I'm not classifying her or saying "this is what she is" ... but this is just what I see. I mean no offense, nor am I trying to take a blow. In fact just from reading her journal I just got the expression that she is struggling to find herself .... find her place. .. and many other things. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. I know several people in my life tell me I shouldn't care and I should just ignore her and tell her off. but I can't. Why? Because I'm caring and compassionate. I care about everyone, no matter what. I've learned through my own experiences that sometimes their are things that are beyond our control .. that can make us do things .. and be ways we don't want to be. I spent many years like this, and only now have I had the final chance to show my true potential. Yet I still sometime struggle, or find myself hit barriers. But I have a counselor that I think is wonderful, Medication to balance my system out, friends whom love and support me ... and a caring Family. It may make some people mad about all I said above ... but the fact is Taobeth is a person just like the rest of us, and I wish her the best .. because she is human, and a person. I look back at what I was and how much I've changed and grown. I've forgiven myself and others for things that happened to me. Now I've made my decision to do what I can to make this world a better place. To hopefully someday make a difference in people's lives and show them that they can be who they really are.
Onto the next .... Work. I finally have my new shift. I started back in January my 2-10:30pm (Swing Shift) shift at work. I love it. After 2 1/2 years of living a life of graveyard .. which I must say wasn't much of a life... I am finally free. I love the fact I can go out at nights ... or sleep in if I want to. I felt like a new person almost immediately when I got my new shift. I enjoy work a lot more as well as find it a lot easier than graveyard *laugh*. At the same time abou 3 weeks ago we got a new client called RKeeper. Apparently it's a POS/Restaurant Software from Russia. Anyways they are working on establishing clients here in the U.S. and they choose us to do their Help Desk Support. My boss choose me to handle the software and learn how to use it. It feels great to be able to play with something new, and learn. I'm taking the initative to learn as much as I can and do what I can to help the helpdesk. I really don't give a Shit about the Company, but the helpdesk itself is like family... even though RSI Headquarters treats us like the Bastardized Child.
I am also working on getting on the Good side of both RSI and RKeeper. I know the guy at RKeeper is just absolutely amazed by me.. both him and my boss have expresed that they are very impressed by me. I've been working on Plans to move to portland this summer.. I'm not sure who else will be going down there with me (Plans were me, alicia and Eric. But .. it may be a bigger group). I'm thinking that if I can get on their good sides .. (either company) I might be able to land a job doing something. who knows, we'll see. I'm scared shitless about moving, yet at the same time very excited. I've always wanted to live in a bigger city, especially close to the ocean. Not to mention that their are great schools down their and the opportunites are endless. I applied for Student Loan, and by the looks of it got it *shrugs* .. No clue I'm new to that fact. Now I just need to figure out my living Situation.
Things are kind of odd with that because me and Malia have grown very close. I'm not in love with her but I do like her a lot. Many people would consider us dating ... boyfriend / girlfriend. But we are very hesitant to say that. Mainly because we fear of losing our freedom... or by using that term we'll head down the road of Jealousy ... Dependency and many other things we don't want. We believe in Freedom .. and we enjoy what we have. But things are getting more serious as we go on. Their has been a lot of talk about her coming down to portland with us. I know Alicia is kinda eh about it because she is Fulltime with her Daughter and it makes things Harder getting a place together, her and gregg have talked about getting their own place if that happens. But Malia is a great and wonderful person. She is beautiful and smart. She also has a lot of potential and her actions over the last few years have shown it. Living in Coeur d' Alene will only drag her down... the area is a hole and it tends to suck people in it and never let them out. That's why getting out of their I believe is the best thing for her. she has her brother in Portland .... as well as like I said the school their are good from what I hear. The opportunity is there. I told her that if she decides (and can) come down to portland, that it be for her own benefit, not for a "us". She agree's. What will happen with portland? I have no clue. but i'm trying my hardest to figure things out so everyone is happy.
Things for Alicia though have been complicated lately. She lost her job in January, as well as her Ex Boyfriend Matt ... has gone completely psychotic. Talk about a man with Issues... jeeus. Anyways .. that's not the point. She has fallen in love with Gregg ... and they have been spending a lot of time together. I do find myself missing alicia, though we don't get the quality time to spend together like we use to. I still love and care for her. and when I do get time to spend with her alone. Or lie next to her... rub her shoulders, anything. It makes me smile a lot. Alicia is a great amount of support for me. I care so much about her. She's been very down and sick in recent weeks so I've been trying to do what I can to keep that smile on her face. Though there has been several things I've wanted to talk to Alicia about lately .... I just tend to forget ... or not know how to express it to her. But I figure eventually, when the time is right I'll say them.
So ... Bored yet? Have you actually read all this shit? .... to summarize most of this. I'm happy. I'm living a life I never thought I would live. I have finally started to find myself .. my place in this world. If you told me a year ago that I would be like this ... I would of called you crazy. But look at me now. I smile in life .. I enjoy life ... and I love it.
I'm happy.