I want to fly and never come down.
I've noticed that when I wake up multiple times throughout a night, I tend to feel like i've been sleeping for days.
Lately, my internal clock is incredibly unadjusted due to living oplace to place. The sun doesn't rise at the same time when one room is bright and the other always dark. Your ears will wake you when you hear someone move, sometimes a war can go on as you blissfuly slumber. Or in my case, have incrediblystrange dreams. I dreamt within them, of my grandmother. I remember telling my dad about it in the next dream, when I thought I must be awake, and him crying so much. I recall going in to some room, following this girl, trying to steal lost merchandise. I was always barefoot.
I wore shoes for the first time in a month the other day, and I just have to mentiont hat while at first they feel almost constricting, they later become incredibly snug. Comfortable. Comfort is such a luxery nowadays.
Hopefully it's okay for me to go back to Monica's Thursday if I have yet to get a place. But i'm bent on the search now. I have to do it for myself, get my shit together. Like has been kicking me around but i'm not the kind to just fall over. I have plenty of calls to make today and hopefully plenty of places to go see.
I just hope I can find a place with no lease, or at least with a short one just in case. A year is such a long time sometimes.
I don't have a lot of time to myself anymore, but when I do, I fucking revel in it. Like right now, for instance. I don't believe anyone's at Nat's. So i'm just sitting here enjoying the comforts of her computer and her Coldplay cd and getting lost and it feels so good. It's hard to always keep a cheerful face around your friends. I don't want them to see me as a downer. It's exhausting sometimes to be around people so constantly. I always feel like sleeping. I've heard it said that more muscles go in to frowning than smiling, but it doesn't always feel that way. I miss my solo conversations, my thoughts and feelings and marinating in them. I know i'll be fine. Maybe no one understands, then, why I always want to be around Nadir. But simply put, I don't feel the need to try to be a friendly, nice, person with him. Sometimes I can just lie in his car and close my eyes and drift instead, and he doesn't bother me for it or question me about it. He just knows he's my time off. He's my wind down. He keeps me going, I guess.
Nat's good encouragement for exercise. I know she's right when she'd rather take the long way. I'll probably do some stretches and stuff soon anyway.
Today I have to get to househunting and a few other errands. hopefully I can come to Nat's later for a bit to help her with laundry. After i'll probably escape again. I don't know. Maybe one of these days i'll just take the bus far away now.
Tuesday should be alright. Class in the morning and then maybe a visit to my parent's house followed by the Rainer Maria / Engine Down show. Should be fun times. Who knows what the rest of the week will bring.
I've been wondering a bit about what happened to people from my past. Not a lot, really. And not negatively, really. Just wondering how they are doing. I know that no matter how hurt i've been, betrayed and lied to, treated badly, I don't hate anyone. And if the person that hurt me the most came up to me one day and said he or she wanted to be friends again and all that jazz, I would probably sadly accept the offer. I don't know. Maybe it's in my nature.
I miss my family sometimes. I know they miss me. But it seems like my double life has much more defined lines. I feel like I built a moat around myself and they're now living in a far and distant land. Sometimes an attempt is made to erect a bridge, but the materials are never strong enough.
I don't know what to take for fall semester. In fact, I don't even really care much. I just hope my job gives me good hours.
I need to rescue Hello Kitty and my book from Susan's. Dammit.
I highly doubt anyone is reading this, or has read this far, but if for some reason you did, leave a comment. You'll restore my faith in an otherwise silent audience.
PS. Lunges make your thighs hurt so badly. =*(
Lately, my internal clock is incredibly unadjusted due to living oplace to place. The sun doesn't rise at the same time when one room is bright and the other always dark. Your ears will wake you when you hear someone move, sometimes a war can go on as you blissfuly slumber. Or in my case, have incrediblystrange dreams. I dreamt within them, of my grandmother. I remember telling my dad about it in the next dream, when I thought I must be awake, and him crying so much. I recall going in to some room, following this girl, trying to steal lost merchandise. I was always barefoot.
I wore shoes for the first time in a month the other day, and I just have to mentiont hat while at first they feel almost constricting, they later become incredibly snug. Comfortable. Comfort is such a luxery nowadays.
Hopefully it's okay for me to go back to Monica's Thursday if I have yet to get a place. But i'm bent on the search now. I have to do it for myself, get my shit together. Like has been kicking me around but i'm not the kind to just fall over. I have plenty of calls to make today and hopefully plenty of places to go see.
I just hope I can find a place with no lease, or at least with a short one just in case. A year is such a long time sometimes.
I don't have a lot of time to myself anymore, but when I do, I fucking revel in it. Like right now, for instance. I don't believe anyone's at Nat's. So i'm just sitting here enjoying the comforts of her computer and her Coldplay cd and getting lost and it feels so good. It's hard to always keep a cheerful face around your friends. I don't want them to see me as a downer. It's exhausting sometimes to be around people so constantly. I always feel like sleeping. I've heard it said that more muscles go in to frowning than smiling, but it doesn't always feel that way. I miss my solo conversations, my thoughts and feelings and marinating in them. I know i'll be fine. Maybe no one understands, then, why I always want to be around Nadir. But simply put, I don't feel the need to try to be a friendly, nice, person with him. Sometimes I can just lie in his car and close my eyes and drift instead, and he doesn't bother me for it or question me about it. He just knows he's my time off. He's my wind down. He keeps me going, I guess.
Nat's good encouragement for exercise. I know she's right when she'd rather take the long way. I'll probably do some stretches and stuff soon anyway.
Today I have to get to househunting and a few other errands. hopefully I can come to Nat's later for a bit to help her with laundry. After i'll probably escape again. I don't know. Maybe one of these days i'll just take the bus far away now.
Tuesday should be alright. Class in the morning and then maybe a visit to my parent's house followed by the Rainer Maria / Engine Down show. Should be fun times. Who knows what the rest of the week will bring.
I've been wondering a bit about what happened to people from my past. Not a lot, really. And not negatively, really. Just wondering how they are doing. I know that no matter how hurt i've been, betrayed and lied to, treated badly, I don't hate anyone. And if the person that hurt me the most came up to me one day and said he or she wanted to be friends again and all that jazz, I would probably sadly accept the offer. I don't know. Maybe it's in my nature.
I miss my family sometimes. I know they miss me. But it seems like my double life has much more defined lines. I feel like I built a moat around myself and they're now living in a far and distant land. Sometimes an attempt is made to erect a bridge, but the materials are never strong enough.
I don't know what to take for fall semester. In fact, I don't even really care much. I just hope my job gives me good hours.
I need to rescue Hello Kitty and my book from Susan's. Dammit.
I highly doubt anyone is reading this, or has read this far, but if for some reason you did, leave a comment. You'll restore my faith in an otherwise silent audience.
PS. Lunges make your thighs hurt so badly. =*(