Back in Illinois, back to figuring myself out.
I had a realization about some of the decisions i've made in my life. I watched the movie shopgirl earlier tonite and it made me see some of the things I've allowed to make myself think or do in the past. Also, while talking to Kristina, I was able to figure out some other things about everything that has happened lately. below are 2 excerpts from the conversation.
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:29:57 AM): well....i just watched a movie that explained exactly what happened to me and you this summer.
charmedimsure821 (1:30:06 AM): what movie?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:30:16 AM): shopgirl
charmedimsure821 (1:30:22 AM): never seen it...
charmedimsure821 (1:30:28 AM): what did it explain
charmedimsure821 (1:30:31 AM): ?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:30:38 AM): it was at the theater like november
charmedimsure821 (1:30:48 AM): what was it about?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:32:46 AM): well steve martin's character starts a relationship where he trys to keep the girl at a distance throughout the entire movie, but at the end when he sees her again, he realizes that the entire time he had feelings for her. it end with him saying "how can I miss someone I tried to keep at a distance so that when I was away, I wouldn't miss her?"
....................................................................................................................
It seems like my life is a situation I created in order to kinda torture myself, because lately that seems like the only way I can live, as long as there is something that makes my existence miserable in some sense. this summer I was miserable from not letting mysel get close to you, in idaho i was just miserable, at home my mom makes me miserable constantly and I can't avoid it. its not your fault or my mom's or my father's. its simply the way I live my life lately, as if I am constantly setting myself up for being in a depressive state brought on by my surroundings.
charmedimsure821 (1:41:30 AM): i never quite got why you wouldnt let me in
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:42:25 AM): I think it was my own way of separating things in my mind. going to idaho was supposed to be my way of cutting off everyone in my life. and it worked for like a month.
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:43:05 AM): when you take the emotion out of things, it allows you to make oversights and never realize it.
charmedimsure821 (1:43:18 AM): i was an oversight?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:43:48 AM): no, shutting you out, was the oversight.
charmedimsure821 (1:43:55 AM): oh
charmedimsure821 (1:43:57 AM): okay
charmedimsure821 (1:44:01 AM): i just..
charmedimsure821 (1:44:08 AM): i dont know you made it so hard
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:44:33 AM): in a way i've always made my life harder than normal.
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:44:48 AM): and its impossible to avoid.
charmedimsure821 (1:45:27 AM): why cant you just let good things happen to you?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:47:40 AM): i don't know.
charmedimsure821 (1:47:45 AM): it was a good thing...me and you...and you pushed me away
charmedimsure821 (1:48:02 AM): i mean you cant change it now...im just saying
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:49:42 AM): I've lived my life where the only good things that have happened were things where unless someone really pushed me to do them, they never happened. my life was completely driven by my mother and ather through simple encouragement for years. but they always pushed me to let things happen. I guess I don't know how to push myself to that point.
.......................................................................................................
If anyone still reads this journal, a comment from time to time would be cool. I guess I just hope someone out there is actually keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm still sane. These days I'm skating on thin ice.
-zP-
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:29:57 AM): well....i just watched a movie that explained exactly what happened to me and you this summer.
charmedimsure821 (1:30:06 AM): what movie?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:30:16 AM): shopgirl
charmedimsure821 (1:30:22 AM): never seen it...
charmedimsure821 (1:30:28 AM): what did it explain
charmedimsure821 (1:30:31 AM): ?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:30:38 AM): it was at the theater like november
charmedimsure821 (1:30:48 AM): what was it about?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:32:46 AM): well steve martin's character starts a relationship where he trys to keep the girl at a distance throughout the entire movie, but at the end when he sees her again, he realizes that the entire time he had feelings for her. it end with him saying "how can I miss someone I tried to keep at a distance so that when I was away, I wouldn't miss her?"
....................................................................................................................
It seems like my life is a situation I created in order to kinda torture myself, because lately that seems like the only way I can live, as long as there is something that makes my existence miserable in some sense. this summer I was miserable from not letting mysel get close to you, in idaho i was just miserable, at home my mom makes me miserable constantly and I can't avoid it. its not your fault or my mom's or my father's. its simply the way I live my life lately, as if I am constantly setting myself up for being in a depressive state brought on by my surroundings.
charmedimsure821 (1:41:30 AM): i never quite got why you wouldnt let me in
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:42:25 AM): I think it was my own way of separating things in my mind. going to idaho was supposed to be my way of cutting off everyone in my life. and it worked for like a month.
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:43:05 AM): when you take the emotion out of things, it allows you to make oversights and never realize it.
charmedimsure821 (1:43:18 AM): i was an oversight?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:43:48 AM): no, shutting you out, was the oversight.
charmedimsure821 (1:43:55 AM): oh
charmedimsure821 (1:43:57 AM): okay
charmedimsure821 (1:44:01 AM): i just..
charmedimsure821 (1:44:08 AM): i dont know you made it so hard
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:44:33 AM): in a way i've always made my life harder than normal.
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:44:48 AM): and its impossible to avoid.
charmedimsure821 (1:45:27 AM): why cant you just let good things happen to you?
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:47:40 AM): i don't know.
charmedimsure821 (1:47:45 AM): it was a good thing...me and you...and you pushed me away
charmedimsure821 (1:48:02 AM): i mean you cant change it now...im just saying
xsignedxnxbloodx (1:49:42 AM): I've lived my life where the only good things that have happened were things where unless someone really pushed me to do them, they never happened. my life was completely driven by my mother and ather through simple encouragement for years. but they always pushed me to let things happen. I guess I don't know how to push myself to that point.
.......................................................................................................
If anyone still reads this journal, a comment from time to time would be cool. I guess I just hope someone out there is actually keeping an eye on me to make sure I'm still sane. These days I'm skating on thin ice.
-zP-