I still love her
I still love Laura. I need to get over her -- I thought I was but this week things haven't been too easy. Monday was interesting, she blew up at me for feeling bad/confused about her fooling around with her ex-boyfriend Brandon the night before and since she wasn't able to figure out what happened it seemed to carry over to me. That day I didn't want to talk to her at all and let her know how much that hurt me, but then I realized that wasn't the right thing to do because how is that me being a good friend: she needs one to be there for her and I decided to turn away. I called her up and apologized for the fact that I wasn't there for her, and then she apologized (I figured she wouldn't have apologized if I hadn't). Ever since then I've felt this little anger sitting in the back of my head and resting in my heart. I try to go a day without calling her and then I call her just to see how she's doing. When I call her or send her a text message and I don't hear from her my mind immediatley runs to the thought of her in bed with Brandon. I go through the day without thinking of her and then sure enough I get blind-sided by a simple thought of her -- usually her with someone else. I need to get her out of my mind, but the more I do stop thinking about her the more I think about her. I think the best thing for me to do is just walk away from it all, but I don't know how much I will achieve from this -- I still want to be a part of her life, I still want to be there for her but I know this won't happen. "Jane get me off this crazy thing called love." Depression seems to be seeping in on all sides of me again and I'm afraid that things are going to get worse. She was my life for so long and now that I no longer have that life I have no idea what to do. I could tell her anything, but now when I do that she later uses it against me or just gets annoyed with my issues -- but don't you listen to your friends problems even if they keep talking about them? And to make things even better I've been thinking about the times in my life where I could have been better to my friends or not an ass to them at all. Questioning my existence has become a common occurence. Fearing some life altering accident might cause me to no longer be me. I seem to be fearing the most common things in my life. I don't blame the break-up for this, but I would say that it did open my eyes to the world I created while I was focused on something else that wasn't that definite -- not to say that I didn't trust Laura it was that you don't know how things could go one day and the next things can blow up in your face. I have the confidence to talk perfect strangers about what books they're looking for or what they do for a living -- I make them laugh at the stupidest things, but I still have rebuilt the part of me that allows me to talk to pretty girls. Someday I will talk to the cute barista at Starbucks (that narrows it down, I know). I watched Swingers numerous times and I hope that someday I will find the Loraine to my Mikey.