(no subject)
Hello livejournal... I haven't written in you in a while. :/
I'm just... I don't know how I feel. I've spent the last few hours awake, crying. This is the second time I've cried about a boy with him in the bed next to me, only then it was because I wasn't sure if I loved him.
I didnt expect much; Godiva and a card, how hard is that? He got me flowers and no card, which is fine, but he's a boy. He would never actually say those things out loud, so how am I supposed to know unless he gets a card? It makes me feel like he doesn't care.
And to make things worse, he says he "didn't have time" to get me something nice. Didn't have time, but he spent all day Friday playing and beating Mass Effect 2. :/
I made him a hand painted card! With an inside joke 'cause I'm cute like that. I gave him a huge box filled with candy and his favorite cookies. I even hand painted the box!
Maybe I'm naive. I am not sentimental about this kind of thing; I don't give a shit about a greeting card holiday like this, but his lack of concern to make it special that bothers me. And, I don't know.. I would think that your first Valentine's Day actually with somebody would warrant some sort of effort. I put a lot of thought into my gift :/
He didn't even try to sleep with me. It's Valentine's! The day of romance and, as Marks says, "chocolate for BJs", for fuck's sake!
And then I had a dream. I dreamt he had been married to Kami. And still wore the wedding band. He said it all nonchalantly in the dream and I was taken aback because i hadn't known. And I was really upset. And then he said something about never getting married again, which shouldn't bother me; I don't want to get married ever. But, it did because wasn't about marriage. The dream was a metaphor for how it bothers me that he could tell her he loved her and they weren't dating very long... Even marry her in the dream! but we've been dating three months and he couldn't even find time to get me a goddamn card. It's a metaphor for how I feel second rate.
He didn't tell Jillian what he was getting me for Valentine's because he didn't care enough to get anything.
That is how I feel.