It Starts
It's Friday and on Monday school starts up again. I'm both excited and aggravated. Excited because I will be able to start conveniently seeing friends again. I'll have class everyday with Cynthia and since Rachel works in the library I'll get to see her often too! That'll be really nice. I'll be getting to learn more Japanese, which is awesome. However I am aggravated because damn it I'm tired of school. I'm tired of tests and grades and essays. The whole system is so ridiculous! Having and A in a class does NOT mean that that person knows the material better than everyone else, and having a D or an F does NOT always mean that you don't know anything and don't pay attention. And essays! They should stop telling students that they want to hear the students original topics and opinions. They don't want ours, they want their own! All college does is create a block of time that turns everyone briefly in nervous wrecks and caffeine addicts! *sigh*
On a brighter note things are going really well with me and Cory. In February we will officially make the first problem free year in the history of our relationship! It's incredible! Not to say we don't still have fights, who doesn't? But we resolve them. Everyday we make the decision to be with each other and to make the relationship a good one. It's been mind blowing.
I suppose the only somewhat depressing thing is I feel like I'm not always a good friend. I've pretty much ignored everyone over the break and I feel pretty bad about that. Especially about Rachel. I know I don't talk to her that much but half the time I go to call her I think, wait, all I want to do is talk about my stuff and she's gotten mad at me about that before. So I wait for her call and it doesn't come. Or it does come but I actually for once and too busy to do anything about it and then I forget it happened because I have no memory what-so-ever when it comes to things like that. It's just, I feel like I'm creating a distance and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm afraid of calling too much or calling too little. We did talk for a while once during the break and that gives me hope, but I still feel bad. I feel like I'm always disappointing people. I don't know. I mean a part of me wants to be able to be like "No, I haven't called anyone. I've been being lazy and forgetting everything and doing nothing because I can for a minute!" But then I feel retardedly bad about that because other people I know have jobs and school and in Rachel's case both of those and a baby and so then I feel bad about wanting to be lazy and antisocial. *sigh* I can't win for losing. But then when call people a lot I start to feel selfish because I just call to tell them about something going on with me and now I'm taking up their time. Because truth be told, most often when I want to call people it's over some stupid little thing I read or saw that got me excited for a moment and I want to tell someone about it, but it's insignificant and now I've wasted their time. I guess in the end that's why I try to hold back on talking to people. I talk to Cory constantly, but he has to listen to my shit just I like I have to listen about D&D. I dunno, life is always changing. Since college, hell since high school, I've never been able to look back on the year past and go, "Wow, everything's the same and that's a good thing." No, it's always, "Holy shit everything's changed." And it's going to keep changing and that scares the shit out of me because I hate change. I'm a routine gal. Cept for sex, but I don't think anyone out there likes routine sex.
At any rate I'm going to stop ranting now. I'm going to go curl up in the tub with a book and hope that the ants don't come back through the window and get me. And that's not metaphorical statement. I really am worried about ants, they were everywhere in the tub earlier. But Cory cleaned them out and said that they didn't come back when he showered. This is a Cory's house by the way not my apartment. I don't have an ant infestation. Thank the gods.
On a brighter note things are going really well with me and Cory. In February we will officially make the first problem free year in the history of our relationship! It's incredible! Not to say we don't still have fights, who doesn't? But we resolve them. Everyday we make the decision to be with each other and to make the relationship a good one. It's been mind blowing.
I suppose the only somewhat depressing thing is I feel like I'm not always a good friend. I've pretty much ignored everyone over the break and I feel pretty bad about that. Especially about Rachel. I know I don't talk to her that much but half the time I go to call her I think, wait, all I want to do is talk about my stuff and she's gotten mad at me about that before. So I wait for her call and it doesn't come. Or it does come but I actually for once and too busy to do anything about it and then I forget it happened because I have no memory what-so-ever when it comes to things like that. It's just, I feel like I'm creating a distance and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm afraid of calling too much or calling too little. We did talk for a while once during the break and that gives me hope, but I still feel bad. I feel like I'm always disappointing people. I don't know. I mean a part of me wants to be able to be like "No, I haven't called anyone. I've been being lazy and forgetting everything and doing nothing because I can for a minute!" But then I feel retardedly bad about that because other people I know have jobs and school and in Rachel's case both of those and a baby and so then I feel bad about wanting to be lazy and antisocial. *sigh* I can't win for losing. But then when call people a lot I start to feel selfish because I just call to tell them about something going on with me and now I'm taking up their time. Because truth be told, most often when I want to call people it's over some stupid little thing I read or saw that got me excited for a moment and I want to tell someone about it, but it's insignificant and now I've wasted their time. I guess in the end that's why I try to hold back on talking to people. I talk to Cory constantly, but he has to listen to my shit just I like I have to listen about D&D. I dunno, life is always changing. Since college, hell since high school, I've never been able to look back on the year past and go, "Wow, everything's the same and that's a good thing." No, it's always, "Holy shit everything's changed." And it's going to keep changing and that scares the shit out of me because I hate change. I'm a routine gal. Cept for sex, but I don't think anyone out there likes routine sex.
At any rate I'm going to stop ranting now. I'm going to go curl up in the tub with a book and hope that the ants don't come back through the window and get me. And that's not metaphorical statement. I really am worried about ants, they were everywhere in the tub earlier. But Cory cleaned them out and said that they didn't come back when he showered. This is a Cory's house by the way not my apartment. I don't have an ant infestation. Thank the gods.