Today is December
25 days until SWIM and I have no travel arrangements. I'm pissed off at the Youth Office, what's new? I'm similarly pissed off at all White people, are the two groups separable? Too many of my friends are White. I look over my AIM Buddy's List and the only people on are all White. I have a specific PoC group on my list, it contains 5 people none are on. I have 182 buddies. I hate IRO. I can't stand fucked up analyses. I can't stand people who can't deal with candor--it's harsh and unrelenting, but bearable. I hate it when White people make me feel like I'm not allowed to express myself because it's too hard for them to handle. I hate when White people feel like we should take action on an issue when they feel uncomfortable, ignoring that I've felt uncomfortable for a long time too when they half-assed a response, under addressed or swept aside my concerns. I hate how White people with "good" analyses always realize when other White people fuck up, but don't realize that they've fucked up until some dramatic action is taken by PoCs. I hate that I feel like I can't say that I'm race prejudiced without White people interpreting it as "See, he's just as bad as us!" and therefore, compromise my credibility to speak about AR/AO/MC. I hate that I keep initiating inappropriate AR/AO/MC conversations with White youth whom I knew in "the days before I was oppressed." I miss ignorance. I hate White people who make me feel "White." I hate that I'm not a better AO ally and that I keep assuming genders or tolerating ablist terms like "stupid," "lame," "weak," "crazy," "insane" and "retarded," because I feel like if I say anything I won't be able to drive home the deeper message of the gospel. I hate having to be around White people everyday. I hate having to depend on White people. I hate having to trust White people--What have y'all given me to trust except over 500 years of oppression and continually fucking up? I can certainly trust those to be maintained whether I speak up or not. I hate that White people feel like they can support me. Y'all can't and y'all don't have a fucking clue. I don't know anything about y'alls struggle either, only hearsay, but I don't try to take a crack at it half as often as I've noticed White people trying to address mine. I hate that I can't be appropriately supported in my faith tradition, my "safe" fucking "space"--and is so goddamned safe for QoCs, I assure you ;(--because White people fucked up, like they always do, and made all the Black people leave since they refused to put with y'alls bullshit in church anymore. I hate that White UUs are ready to own up to all sorts of ways they perpetuate oppression, but refuse to admit their own historical complicity in eradicating any sort of racial diversity in Our Association. I hate the word "attack," I feel like it is a word of manipulative perspective instead of one that portrays any sort of emotional or anti-racist/anti-oppressive/multicultural reality. I think that one's group must've been the recipient of eons of repression and oppression with no privilege or advantage identities or power in the situation to truly know what it means to be attacked. If you can legitimate your claim to this situation, I'll agree that you've been attacked. If you can't, I'd prefer to feel negatively uncomfortable or oppressed or marginalized. And White people, don't even try the latter two without admitting that y'all are also privileged. The CWS Workshop analysis of White power says that non-ruling class whites are both privileged and oppressed (see www.cwsworkshop.org for more info). To me this means that you can't experience one without the other and that you certainly can't experience oppression or marginalization at the hands of people with no privilege identities. I hate that I feel like I have to always back my claims up. At some point someone made all this shit up after simple observations, when the fuck do I get to have my own opinion shaped by life experience that is not representative of entire groups of people. When will y'all ever learn that it doesn't all work just because it's worked before? When will y'all ever understand that if we're not constantly looking to change ourselves from within, we won't and we'll grow stagnant, putrid and incorrigible? Why does change take so long if it's all a matter of commitment? When will this anger go away? subside? resign itself to furtive contemplation? From whence did it come and will I or is even necessary for me to ever know? If I don't do something with it, it will kill me. But what can I do if there is no one else to support me? There have to be some other 19-year-old uniracial Black queers, suburban born and raised, zealots of their faith with an accountable analysis of racism and oppression to talk to. There must be some Black male I trust to support me as I see fit. I hate liking White boys. I hate having moved to Boston to work with the yo for them to fuck everything up. I hate that I let them treat me like the maggots that grow in shit and keep coming back for more. I hate that I'll be a UU whether or not I put up with these asshats, so I just won't/can't leave. I hate being strong enough to bear my own martyrdom. Y'all will never grind me down--only kill me. And yes, it is you and your White problem (aka racism) that will kill me. Do y'all want the weight of the death of another Black man on your soul? I'm a manipulative bastard. I can't be happy so long as injustice reigns supreme. I hate you all and hope you die.
Greg
Greg