(no subject)
When I was in middle school/high school, I had episodes of cutting myself. It was probably a "cry for help", an attention seeking behavior that was secretive. Some people saw it accidentally; my mom being one of them. She asked about it and fed her some BS, but that was all. I knew she wanted to act like she didn't see it.
The majority of what I recollect from growing up was feeling very unhappy with myself and pessimistic about life in general. I'm not sure if there was some kind of resentment in my family life. My friends were my outlets and a way for me to feel accepted and happy. But sometimes, that wasn't always the case since I also put boundaries on these friendships. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't show the real me when I just wanted to. I felt like I would become a burden.
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past. Never attempted it, but I started writing in my journals with much truth just incase I would really fall through with it in the future. There did come one time that I actually visualized a plan and I had this feeling from within, like all my blood vessels dilating when I saw it all from beginning to end. I think that was the most serious I've ever taken the thought. The reason, I don't remember anymore. But I remember asking myself, would this ultimately end it all or would it be a slide and I'd end up in the ED?
The majority of what I recollect from growing up was feeling very unhappy with myself and pessimistic about life in general. I'm not sure if there was some kind of resentment in my family life. My friends were my outlets and a way for me to feel accepted and happy. But sometimes, that wasn't always the case since I also put boundaries on these friendships. For some reason, I felt like I couldn't show the real me when I just wanted to. I felt like I would become a burden.
I've had suicidal thoughts in the past. Never attempted it, but I started writing in my journals with much truth just incase I would really fall through with it in the future. There did come one time that I actually visualized a plan and I had this feeling from within, like all my blood vessels dilating when I saw it all from beginning to end. I think that was the most serious I've ever taken the thought. The reason, I don't remember anymore. But I remember asking myself, would this ultimately end it all or would it be a slide and I'd end up in the ED?