Blank.
I sit here drowning in my own tears. My soul feels empty. I don't feel lonely, I feel alone. It doesn't help that every day I'm mostly surrounded by inaminate objects; I need someone to talk to and to physically be around. I want to feel again. I need to conjure up all the will=power to tell myself that the grass in greener on the other side. But being and feeling alone is psychologically manipulative and powerful. It overtakes my soul sometimes, and I can't help but surrender to it.
Today one of my microbio lab partners got accepted into one of her top pharm schools. She sent an email to michelle and I and said that she was no longer attending the class because she didn't need it. After reading her email, I got sad and cried.
I know why I did that; it's not because of her and her decision, but what that event symbolized. That is, having connections with people who make your life feel complete, and then having to leave them (or you). Even though they were only my classmates for this one semester, we still looked out for each other as if we've been friends for years. We shared the same humor and made class interesting. Having to lose one of my lab partners is like having to lose/leave a friend. Can you see how this set off a cascade of how I'm feeling now?
From time to time I still struggle with the idea of leaving what I have in LA behind, including my friends. I don't know how to deal with being so far away from them and missing out on everything. When I visit, I feel so left out that I just revert to the idea of ending their chapter in my life book. They don't need me anyways right? It may just be all-or-nothing for me; it seems like the easy route with possible long-term side effects. If loneliness wants to befriend me, then I would have to drop all my relationships to make it work. I'd cover it up with full-on independence and a fake smile that says "I'm happy, but deep down I really am not".
Today one of my microbio lab partners got accepted into one of her top pharm schools. She sent an email to michelle and I and said that she was no longer attending the class because she didn't need it. After reading her email, I got sad and cried.
I know why I did that; it's not because of her and her decision, but what that event symbolized. That is, having connections with people who make your life feel complete, and then having to leave them (or you). Even though they were only my classmates for this one semester, we still looked out for each other as if we've been friends for years. We shared the same humor and made class interesting. Having to lose one of my lab partners is like having to lose/leave a friend. Can you see how this set off a cascade of how I'm feeling now?
From time to time I still struggle with the idea of leaving what I have in LA behind, including my friends. I don't know how to deal with being so far away from them and missing out on everything. When I visit, I feel so left out that I just revert to the idea of ending their chapter in my life book. They don't need me anyways right? It may just be all-or-nothing for me; it seems like the easy route with possible long-term side effects. If loneliness wants to befriend me, then I would have to drop all my relationships to make it work. I'd cover it up with full-on independence and a fake smile that says "I'm happy, but deep down I really am not".