Family business.
I wonder how it's going to be like some odd number of years from now with my family, especially with my siblings. I have played out two scenarios: 1) our relationships grow and get better as we are only getting older, or 2) we barely see each other. If things stay the same as they are now, I definitely see the latter and sadly, it's because I chose it. One of the things that I feel my siblings never gave me was any kind of support or encouragement; all I get is criticism in any form. I honestly fuckin' hate it. It makes me want to distance myself from them and let them just make their own judgments and opinions about me based on what they see or what they know. Even though I know I can say what's on my mind, saying it to either one of them is a waste of time- one is rude and doesn't listen, and the other, well it feels like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall.
For the past two weeks, I have had this strong urge to tell off my brother for his rudeness and his disrespect towards my parents and I. I honestly think that this guy thinks he can get whatever he wants acting the way that he does. Like last night, he came home around 5 in the morning and opened the door to the room that had the bed, which I was sleeping on. He turned on the lights, and yelled "SHIT!" because I had beat him to it (about 5 hours earlier, may I add). 5 IN THE FUCKIN' MORNING, AND I DON'T WANT TO START HEARING YOU COMPLAINING THAT YOU AIN'T GOT THE BED! I GAVE YOU THE FUCKIN' CAR THAT NIGHT AND CANCELED ON MY FRIENDS JUST SO YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH YOURS. I COULD'VE JUST TAKEN THE CAR WITHOUT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU'VE HAD FOR THE PAST THREE NIGHTS WE'VE BEEN HERE... AND NOW YOUR FUCKIN' COMPLAINING THAT YOU DIDN'T GET THE BED?!!? Fuckk, so disrespectful. I tell myself that I should be the bigger person and provide some kind of example for you because I believe that when you treat people a certain way, you get the similar treatment back. But in your case? I don't even think you think about what other people have done for you- what mom and dad have done, what clariz had to put up with, the attitude you give me. We've all tolerated it; but in my eyes, I've lost the respect for you because you made it so easy to. I think I'm just going to put working on my relationship with you on hold; I'm giving up on you right now.
I don't recall growing up in the type of family that openly showed and said their love for each other; not even the simple, "I love you" was fashioned in any way. I'll admit that even now, it's hard to say it sometimes to my parents, but I've managed to despite the fact. To my siblings, hardly ever. Out of everyone in my life, my boyfriend may be the only one who gets all sides of me. I don't believe my family knows how much love I can give to someone. I feel like I give a lot considering my personality. And that's why to my siblings, including my brother-in-law, it's always a fuckin' shocker when they hear, read, see... the side of me that they've never encountered--the affectionate side. Right now, I don't plan to justify it in any way because it's seems as if they might not accept it or will just go back to making fun of me for it. For example, my facebook status speaks the truth 100% of the time. When my boyfriend and I leave each other to go back home, it's like another round of adjustments for me to make not seeing him for another month or so. At this one particular time, I changed my status to "miss you love", thinking of him as well as the song by Silverchair (which I like so much). Awhile later, my brother-in-law comments "what the..", which doesn't surprise me that much because his comments on my status are always of that fuckin' nature. I just delete it but honestly, sometimes it hurts to read those simple words only because I know he doesn't understand what's behind every status update that he comments on. And I have never said anything back at him, even though I can; I just let him talk shit. Coming here, he put me on blast about it, saying that it was stupid. I just blankly stared at him and turned my head away, minimally replying to whatever he was saying to me. When he realized that it wasn't some kind of bullshit I wrote about, he apologized. But you know.. I truly didn't accept his apology because what he said before he realized that he'd done wrong was the fuckin' truth from him! And to take it all back, in my eyes, you just can't do that.. especially when you hadn't ask me about it first before you started saying shit. This isn't the first time that it's happened either, so forgiveness will never be on the table.
There are two results of the changes that have happened in my life thus far from my family: (1) I get made fun of, and/or (2) I get criticized for it. One day, I hope that these two will change and only encouragement can be received. Maybe that's why I don't open myself up to my family; they won't give me the support that I am looking for, or the shoulder to cry on, or the jokes that won't offend me. Yeah, I am a sensitive person when it comes to talking about the deepest roots of my family life in my own perspective. What I would want more than anything right now is for them to hear me out but talking about gets me all emotional.