how I wish you could see the potential, the potential with you and me
"You gotta spend some time, love. Gotta spend some time with me"
hello, livejournal.
hello friends.
I had a moment today that brought me back to my childhood. At panera, I found that I couldn't commit to one single type of coffee. My single cup of coffee turned into a hybrid of hazelenutcafeblenddecafdarkandvibrant blend. Like when you and I were kids and we went to fill our cups with soada, we mixed and experiment like good chemists, creating the perfect suicide soda. While this cup of coffee may not be perfect, it does demonstrate that there are parts of my childhood I will never shake off.
List of things I have enjoyed since I woke up:
-Smart Start Cereal
-Reruns of "Golden Girls"
-MSNBC
-"Eat, Pray, Love"
-Headphones
-Dancing
-Bread
-Death Cab for Cutie's new album
-Therapy driving
I have a new nephew! Asher Christian McMillan was born yesterday 8lbs, 14oz at 8:18am. I was the second family member to hold him. Alicia had asked me to take the day off of work so I could take pictures. He was only minutes old when I got to hold him. Now I have yet another boy to compete for my affection. Could a girl be any luckier?
Can you keep a secret?
I thought so.
I'm nervous for this upcoming week. Sincerely. I've been looking forward to it for a while now, but now that the moment is upon us, I'm not so sure I am.
Some of you may know what I'm talking about while others may not. For protections purposes, I will remain vague.
I like doing that anyway :)
These past few weeks have been beautiful. I've remembered to smile. The inadequacies that haunt my mind have seen to fade into the backdrop of this comedy. People have become more important. Curiosity and questions have plagued my mind and I find that I am ready for growth. Even the daily curses that came from looking into a mirror seem like moments of yesterday. I am finding that I am starting to think big, dreaming of adventures and goals and projects that need to be pursued.
I can't help but making this connection. That this good came out of one original low. I'm not saying you are a low. If that's what you think I'm saying, please take a better look at yourself and then the situation.
My fear is that things will go back to the way they were. Where I hide my feelings under sweaters and eyeliner. Where I am constantly am looking for a better version of myself because obviously, this outer shell isn't good enough. With streams of tears because I don't live up to expectations. And even when I recognize that these feelings are real, I still cover them up with my passive nature, saying "I'm sorry I took it so hard. I know you meant well. It won't happen again."
I didn't like being in that place. And honestly, who would?
I just don't know if the situation is because is like the experiment in my coffee cup. One where the result happens when part a is combined with part b and it turns out to be something completely different. One in which things might go back to the way they were before.
Or maybe. Just Maybe. I am a chemical compound that has permanently been altered. One that seeks adventures. The kind of person that speaks the truth in love and now afraid to tell you what I am feeling.
Because lets face it. I am a beautiful, wonderful human being. I don't need anyone to tell me.
I know it on my own.
I'm just afraid I will forget that when you come back.
::sigh::
hello, livejournal.
hello friends.
I had a moment today that brought me back to my childhood. At panera, I found that I couldn't commit to one single type of coffee. My single cup of coffee turned into a hybrid of hazelenutcafeblenddecafdarkandvibrant blend. Like when you and I were kids and we went to fill our cups with soada, we mixed and experiment like good chemists, creating the perfect suicide soda. While this cup of coffee may not be perfect, it does demonstrate that there are parts of my childhood I will never shake off.
List of things I have enjoyed since I woke up:
-Smart Start Cereal
-Reruns of "Golden Girls"
-MSNBC
-"Eat, Pray, Love"
-Headphones
-Dancing
-Bread
-Death Cab for Cutie's new album
-Therapy driving
I have a new nephew! Asher Christian McMillan was born yesterday 8lbs, 14oz at 8:18am. I was the second family member to hold him. Alicia had asked me to take the day off of work so I could take pictures. He was only minutes old when I got to hold him. Now I have yet another boy to compete for my affection. Could a girl be any luckier?
Can you keep a secret?
I thought so.
I'm nervous for this upcoming week. Sincerely. I've been looking forward to it for a while now, but now that the moment is upon us, I'm not so sure I am.
Some of you may know what I'm talking about while others may not. For protections purposes, I will remain vague.
I like doing that anyway :)
These past few weeks have been beautiful. I've remembered to smile. The inadequacies that haunt my mind have seen to fade into the backdrop of this comedy. People have become more important. Curiosity and questions have plagued my mind and I find that I am ready for growth. Even the daily curses that came from looking into a mirror seem like moments of yesterday. I am finding that I am starting to think big, dreaming of adventures and goals and projects that need to be pursued.
I can't help but making this connection. That this good came out of one original low. I'm not saying you are a low. If that's what you think I'm saying, please take a better look at yourself and then the situation.
My fear is that things will go back to the way they were. Where I hide my feelings under sweaters and eyeliner. Where I am constantly am looking for a better version of myself because obviously, this outer shell isn't good enough. With streams of tears because I don't live up to expectations. And even when I recognize that these feelings are real, I still cover them up with my passive nature, saying "I'm sorry I took it so hard. I know you meant well. It won't happen again."
I didn't like being in that place. And honestly, who would?
I just don't know if the situation is because is like the experiment in my coffee cup. One where the result happens when part a is combined with part b and it turns out to be something completely different. One in which things might go back to the way they were before.
Or maybe. Just Maybe. I am a chemical compound that has permanently been altered. One that seeks adventures. The kind of person that speaks the truth in love and now afraid to tell you what I am feeling.
Because lets face it. I am a beautiful, wonderful human being. I don't need anyone to tell me.
I know it on my own.
I'm just afraid I will forget that when you come back.
::sigh::