Stolen From SomethingAwful
"I've always made it a point to try not to shop in Wal-Mart. The place has always seemed filthy to me.
One year, however, around 2001 or so, my sister gave me a DVD I already had for my birthday, so I had to return it and exchange it for something else. Much to my chagrin, she bought it at Wal-Mart. One of my good buddies in college was a pretty hardcore toy collector and he hit the local 24-hour Walmart once or twice a week, usually at like 10pm. So I went with him one evening to exchange the DVD.
I got in line behind a frail-looking old guy in a backwards Postal Service baseball cap, wearing ill-fitting denim shirt and some loose slacks. He was gripping a sealed bag of French Onion Sunchips.
They would not taste like French Onion for much longer.
He shambled up to the poor customer service lady - a slightly pudgy 30-something woman who looked like she knew her life was a mistake - and dropped the Sunchips on the counter.
"I'm returning these chips!" he said, louder than necessary.
"Okay, do you have a receipt?" she said.
"Fuck no I don't have no receipt!" he snarled. "You expect me to have a fuckin' receipt? I bought these fuckin' chips here and I ain't got no fuckin' use for 'em so fuckin' take 'em back you stupid bitch!"
I took a step back, cautiously watching the scenario unfold, ready to run if this guy pulled out a pistol and started waving it around in protest against Wal-Mart's terribly unfair Sunchips return policy.
"Sir, if you don't calm down, I'm going to have to call security and have you remo..." The old man cut her off.
"Listen to me you dumb cunt, you better gimme my fuckin' money for these goddamn chips or I will smack that fuckin' sneer off your fat face, you fuckin' pig!"
Wow. He was serious! Where was this going?
Tragedy.
The customer service lady grabbed the phone on the desk and began dialling, but not before the old man shouted a few more "fuck!"s, snatched the chips off the counter and started undoing his slacks.
OH GOD. NO.
I wanted to leave, so I started edging away, my eyes inexorably drawn to what the crazy old git was doing.
He undid his slacks and let them drop to the floor as the woman talked louder into the phone; popping the bag of chips open, he squatted and held the bag with both hands under his wrinkled old butt. He suddenly got a gigantic grin on his face, his tobacco-stained teeth lending an even bigger "fuck you!" to the whole thing, and began shitting right into the bag of chips.
My jaw dropped and I started moving away faster, glancing over as I headed for the exit. Just as I walked out, I saw him throw the shit-filled bag of Sunchips over the head of the customer service lady.
For the life of me I just can't imagine something like that happening at a Target, and as much as it shocked me to see it, if it was going to happen anywhere, it seemed like it would happen at a Wal-Mart."
One year, however, around 2001 or so, my sister gave me a DVD I already had for my birthday, so I had to return it and exchange it for something else. Much to my chagrin, she bought it at Wal-Mart. One of my good buddies in college was a pretty hardcore toy collector and he hit the local 24-hour Walmart once or twice a week, usually at like 10pm. So I went with him one evening to exchange the DVD.
I got in line behind a frail-looking old guy in a backwards Postal Service baseball cap, wearing ill-fitting denim shirt and some loose slacks. He was gripping a sealed bag of French Onion Sunchips.
They would not taste like French Onion for much longer.
He shambled up to the poor customer service lady - a slightly pudgy 30-something woman who looked like she knew her life was a mistake - and dropped the Sunchips on the counter.
"I'm returning these chips!" he said, louder than necessary.
"Okay, do you have a receipt?" she said.
"Fuck no I don't have no receipt!" he snarled. "You expect me to have a fuckin' receipt? I bought these fuckin' chips here and I ain't got no fuckin' use for 'em so fuckin' take 'em back you stupid bitch!"
I took a step back, cautiously watching the scenario unfold, ready to run if this guy pulled out a pistol and started waving it around in protest against Wal-Mart's terribly unfair Sunchips return policy.
"Sir, if you don't calm down, I'm going to have to call security and have you remo..." The old man cut her off.
"Listen to me you dumb cunt, you better gimme my fuckin' money for these goddamn chips or I will smack that fuckin' sneer off your fat face, you fuckin' pig!"
Wow. He was serious! Where was this going?
Tragedy.
The customer service lady grabbed the phone on the desk and began dialling, but not before the old man shouted a few more "fuck!"s, snatched the chips off the counter and started undoing his slacks.
OH GOD. NO.
I wanted to leave, so I started edging away, my eyes inexorably drawn to what the crazy old git was doing.
He undid his slacks and let them drop to the floor as the woman talked louder into the phone; popping the bag of chips open, he squatted and held the bag with both hands under his wrinkled old butt. He suddenly got a gigantic grin on his face, his tobacco-stained teeth lending an even bigger "fuck you!" to the whole thing, and began shitting right into the bag of chips.
My jaw dropped and I started moving away faster, glancing over as I headed for the exit. Just as I walked out, I saw him throw the shit-filled bag of Sunchips over the head of the customer service lady.
For the life of me I just can't imagine something like that happening at a Target, and as much as it shocked me to see it, if it was going to happen anywhere, it seemed like it would happen at a Wal-Mart."