where is my mind?
am i becoming a bad scorpio?
i never thought i would ask that question of myself.
i have, for my entire life, been what i consider to be a Good Person. people came to me for advice and i gave it honestly and without any personal agenda attached. i might have felt the way i felt, but i put that aside to help. i was never manipulative, only persuasive, and only for a Good Cause.
i think that fairly recent events have caused me to do a complete 180. well, that is not entirely true, but i have lost something. it's kind of like whatever that relay is where you have to start by putting your forehead on a baseball bat and spinning around numerous times. i'm dizzy and i don't know where i am or where i'm going, and nothing looks as it should. and i don't look as i should. i don't know my face.
everything happens for a reason, and i never thought that i would say this, but if i could rewind the last 6 months and do them over, i would. and i would do a lot differently. i know a couple of things i probably wouldn't change, but there's a hell of a lot that i would.
#1. even though i was single for this time period, i was still not living for me. i am STILL not living for me. it is very sad and pathetic, like that neko case song where "the look on your face yanks my neck on the chain, and i would do anything to see you again." maybe not outwardly sad and pathetic, but when you ping-pong from one thing to the next, you lose who you are and when something misfires you don't know how to get back up again because you don't have your foundation.
#2. i don't know why i couldn't write 3 pages about It Happened One Night. something happened in me. something always happened in me. i get weighed down by one thing, wait until it's almost too late, and then panic. it is an awful way to live. it is not a way to get things done. but it's how i do it. i can't start early. i like to say "i work best under pressure," but this is false because that is the only way i know how to work. i have never let myself have an easy time of anything.
#3. it's so hard to say Sorry. i usually take the blame for things and put whatever it is on my shoulders and deal with it for the Greater Good, but at some point, i believe in march, i declared on the porch of nefa that "there's a new remery in town" (which i should say sorry for, geez, crackhead), and i decided that i was going to do some things that I wanted. as a result, i have never found myself having to apologize so much in one six month period of my life as much as the past six month period. every day, it seems, i apologize. and that is aggravating. because never before in any six month period of my life have i done more deplorable things that are deserving of apologies. but i do apologize. maybe that is what makes me different from a Bad Scorpio: i lack follow-through and can't stick to it when i've been unkind. so to everyone, in some form: i'm sorry i lied. i'm sorry i was selfish. i'm sorry that i want what i want and cannot help it. i'm sorry if i hurt you. i'm sorry i let it go that far. i'm sorry i say things that i shouldn't. i'm sorry you know me so well. i'm sorry i can't be what you want. i'm sorry.
everything's just so mixed up, you know? and i can't look at it rationally because i have no idea what rationale for me would be right now.
i never thought i would ask that question of myself.
i have, for my entire life, been what i consider to be a Good Person. people came to me for advice and i gave it honestly and without any personal agenda attached. i might have felt the way i felt, but i put that aside to help. i was never manipulative, only persuasive, and only for a Good Cause.
i think that fairly recent events have caused me to do a complete 180. well, that is not entirely true, but i have lost something. it's kind of like whatever that relay is where you have to start by putting your forehead on a baseball bat and spinning around numerous times. i'm dizzy and i don't know where i am or where i'm going, and nothing looks as it should. and i don't look as i should. i don't know my face.
everything happens for a reason, and i never thought that i would say this, but if i could rewind the last 6 months and do them over, i would. and i would do a lot differently. i know a couple of things i probably wouldn't change, but there's a hell of a lot that i would.
#1. even though i was single for this time period, i was still not living for me. i am STILL not living for me. it is very sad and pathetic, like that neko case song where "the look on your face yanks my neck on the chain, and i would do anything to see you again." maybe not outwardly sad and pathetic, but when you ping-pong from one thing to the next, you lose who you are and when something misfires you don't know how to get back up again because you don't have your foundation.
#2. i don't know why i couldn't write 3 pages about It Happened One Night. something happened in me. something always happened in me. i get weighed down by one thing, wait until it's almost too late, and then panic. it is an awful way to live. it is not a way to get things done. but it's how i do it. i can't start early. i like to say "i work best under pressure," but this is false because that is the only way i know how to work. i have never let myself have an easy time of anything.
#3. it's so hard to say Sorry. i usually take the blame for things and put whatever it is on my shoulders and deal with it for the Greater Good, but at some point, i believe in march, i declared on the porch of nefa that "there's a new remery in town" (which i should say sorry for, geez, crackhead), and i decided that i was going to do some things that I wanted. as a result, i have never found myself having to apologize so much in one six month period of my life as much as the past six month period. every day, it seems, i apologize. and that is aggravating. because never before in any six month period of my life have i done more deplorable things that are deserving of apologies. but i do apologize. maybe that is what makes me different from a Bad Scorpio: i lack follow-through and can't stick to it when i've been unkind. so to everyone, in some form: i'm sorry i lied. i'm sorry i was selfish. i'm sorry that i want what i want and cannot help it. i'm sorry if i hurt you. i'm sorry i let it go that far. i'm sorry i say things that i shouldn't. i'm sorry you know me so well. i'm sorry i can't be what you want. i'm sorry.
everything's just so mixed up, you know? and i can't look at it rationally because i have no idea what rationale for me would be right now.