.Certainly.Uncertain.
The Clearing
a freeflowing narrative poem by: Josh Nuttall
its pitch black, and im running through this...dense forest...of thin, ghostly white trees...branches are hanging down low, they catch and snag on my shirt...they try and hold onto me...making my foword momentum slightly staggered...there are little paths shooting out in all directions....and im just running aimlessly...i tend to gravitate to certain paths more then others for some reason...but in this state of mindless...scared running, i cant take the time to figure out why. im just...searching...maybe for shelter...maybe for the loving embrace of another human...maybe a mentor...to guide me, or somone to make all my hard choices for me...i dont know yet...but im deffinitly running...running away...running to...i cant tell....im just running...and so is time....time is always running, along side of me, yet against me all in the same breath. and then, a clearing....a clearing known as Early Adulthood is splayed out in front of me...it allows me to stop, catch my breath...relax...have fun even...its this wide open oasis of openmindedness...free thinking....oblique apathy...and experimentation...it is here i learn little bits and pieces of...who i was, who i am, who i want to be, who i should be?...who they want me to be? what do i want? i dont know...soon though...the time comes....and in the midst of catching my breathe...the fear returns...i now know its not the fear of something...or someone...but fear of myself, and fear of making the wrong choices that drives me, and my insane, mindless, aimless sprinting...here i am, running blindly down any path that seem to be right...the easy paths, ones wide enough where i could clumsily bound all around...and not have to take into too much consideration the people i met on the way...or passed, or will meet...running without any consideration of where the path leads or if i stay within the path at all...just running...and now, in the clearing, the fear returns...i see paths at the far edge of the open space....two...no three...maybe four paths...but they are narrow...and they require care and attention...and they demand utter commitment...and so here i am, in the clearing, with the paths layed out in front me of me like a red carpet...the grass is low, the trees are broader in width and height...the path, straight and concise. no allowences for aimless running or letting a few footsteps land out of bounds. and so, here i am, in the clearing, as the confusion, the vision bluring, sensory depriving blackness,the panic... as the, deer-in-hedlights effect begins to set in...and im utterly debilitated by it. i cant move, im afraid to make one stray step in any one direction...i know that this clearing is only a taste of what i at the end of any of those paths...but i cant stay here, this pause for breath is only temporary, ill need to keep moving soon...there is shelter down those paths...and perhaps, even the loving embrace of another human waiting for me...but which path is the right path?
I cant be certain...
Its gotten to the point where, just about everyday i think about...how i want to write my Will....what ill leave to the people who matter most....hell, WHO those people are is a hard thing to figure out...im so lost...so, untamed, full of unguided...misguided? shiftlessness...its annoying...i just with i had someone to support me...fully, 100%...no questions asked, just...someone who will always be there for me, but also, more importantly, WITH me...though, it wouldnt surprise me if someone commented saying "but we are supposed to travel these paths alone...thats the point" in fact...its something i myself would post if this were somone elses journal...but since it my own....well......I cant be certain.