last goodbye.
D -
You may not care nor appreciate this, but I’m taking advantage and looking at this letter as my last chance to explain my actions and say my peace.
It’s taken months for me to realize that all 3 of us took part in the bomb that exploded in October. You, her, and I were all at fault. You lied - whether or not you lied to her, you definitely hid the truth from me; she manipulated me to get the truth out; and my defense mechanism tore your world apart.
It’s also taken months for me to understand that even though we all played a role in that disastrous ending, technically, none of us were in the wrong. We all acted (and reacted) in ways that allowed each of us to protect ourselves.
I may have come to these conclusions, but I can only take the blame and apologize for my actions. During our last confrontation over the phone in October, you compared me to her. Honestly, that was the hardest thing for me to hear. At that moment I knew your opinion of me had permanently changed. I was no longer the sweet, unbiased & understanding Rachel… but instead, in your eyes, I had become this malicious person. Knowing that you saw me as an enemy was worse than accepting the fact that I would never see you again.
I don’t purposely inflict pain upon people. In fact, I’m the kind of person that goes out of my way to help fix problems & make people feel better. I wish so badly that I could take back everything I said. She’s smart though, I’ll give her that. She fed me lies and riled me up only to get the exact reaction she was hoping for - I got defensive, stood up for myself, and told her the truth.
I admire the relationship you have with B and I never wanted to do anything to ruin it. I find it difficult to think like a parent when I’m not one. I only have to worry about and protect myself, so that’s what I did. But my words caused turmoil in your life and for that I will always be sorry. Had I been on the same page as you, I would have easily lied and protected you and B.
I know, what’s done is done and you and I have both moved on, but I just wanted to say sorry one last time. Inside your book are photos I had printed a few weeks before you & I stopped talking. And actually, my plan had been to either frame these for you, or get you started on a scrapbook for B. I’m sending these pictures to you since I no longer have use for them, & I figured you’d appreciate having real copies. I must admit though, I am extremely thankful and happy I was able to create and share these memories with you. Maybe one day, when he’s being a pain-in-the-butt-teenager, you can remind B of the time he was deathly afraid to ride on a 3-seat merry-go-round. I don't know about you, but thinking about that day will always make me smile.
Hope you are doing well.
Me