I felt the need to repost this.

[exaspius]

"I keep trying. I know it's stupid. but i have this feeling that it can happen. I just want it to happen. I need that thing i took for granted.. that amazing plethora of emotion and feeling that made me smile that I just took as another smell on the breeze or a warm cascade of sun on my face.

I've changed damnit.. I've changed..

I'm not that person anymore. That monster. I hate myself for it. I cried.. night after night... for every heart I'd broken. I felt a pain in my chest as I recalled every tear filled face... for what.. the next spike from an emotional surge of finding a new relationship.. when what i needed to find all that i hadn't found yet. To open myself for that in return.. to learn about my lover instead of falling into the everyday pattern of unfeeling repetitious crap.

Patience... where is it.."

Again I find myself in the same place. I just lost an amazing relationship because of whispers about my past. The only way to describe my current state is "Trying". Like fishing, if you always grabbed up a fish it would be called Catching instead. I can only Hope that my tries turn into something more. That I find that one. I've noticed a change in the way I've been acting. It's kind of scary. When desire turns to desperation.

Trying.. I'm Trying.