all families are psychotic
Family dynamics are a constant struggle. I've always said that I'm a daddy's girl. My dad is the only one in my family that I really get along with, who I feel really listens to me and gets me. My mom and I are better than we used to be, I feel like we appreciate each other more now that our time together is so rare. Sometimes my brother and I can have great conversations, really and genuinely appreciate each other's company. But the times where I find him condescending, preachy and just absolutely patronizing outnumber the pleasant times. I think one of the main problems is the more my brother moves to embrace religion, the more I am taking a step back and questioning what I have been taught to believe. Sadly, this puts us in fundamentally different universes and makes it so hard for me to understand or respect him sometimes. It's like on some unconscious level he resents my rationalism, and I his faith. Sometimes he's right, I am hard on him, and there are times I do fight with him just for the sake of fighting. When I'm with him I feel this constant need to defend myself, moreso to reassure myself that my views are valid. I am competitive and argumentative by nature, hell that's why I've been told I'd make a good lawyer, but I don't think that justifies why everything is a heated debate when it comes to my brother. I have also often wondered what is a truer portrait of who we really are; how we treat our friends or how we treat our family? I wish I could treat my brother the way I treat my friends. I wish I could see beyond the resentment and residual bitterness that comes from what was definitley not an easy time growing up together. He struggles every day to leave the past behind him. At least for the next few weeks, I will have to try to give him the benefit of the doubt.