Musings Part 2
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So, I had a chance to sleep on all the doubts I was having yesterday, and I realized a few things. I'm not going to say I overreacted, because I think I have a right to feel some distrust towards somebody who would say that to him at this particular time in his life. But, I do know that I can't change Orlando's history with other people any more than he can change mine. I wouldn't ask him not to care about his friends, because I can't imagine him asking me to stop caring about Pete. At least I understand a little of what it must feel like for him to know Peter's still in love with me. I'm so glad that I've settled that with Pete. He knows that he has to be cool or else I'll have no choice but to push him away until he can get it together. Jeez, now that I think about it, the whole Peter thing is so much worse and Orli's never been anything but calm and honest with me regarding how he feels about it.
I didn't bring up my specific concerns with Orli, but I did approach some of my own general insecurities with him. He reassured me in such a wonderful way, thinking about it still makes me smile. I'm the one he loves. He wants to make a home with me, not anyone else. He told me that any time I needed him to reassure me like that, to just say. But I don't want to be one of those people. He does so much to make me feel secure and loved, the one time I felt he didn't shouldn't be held against him.
I have to work on the jealousy thing for both our sakes. I love him and I know he loves me. If I do anything to fuck this up, I'll never forgive myself.
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Just a few things:
- Our wedding rings are going to be custom made by a friend as a wedding gift! Isn't that awesome? I'm so excited. And it just hit me that this is the first official step of our planning. Rings! Or maybe it's the second step since we've already decided on the whole last name situation. :D (I don't know if Orli wants to share the details so I'll leave it at that.) ETA: The name thing counts as my "what I love about him" today.
- We're going to the shelter to get a cat for Julie (if she approves) and puppies (and maybe a cat) for Mom!
- Tomorrow, Hartford.
- On the 18th, drinks with Mac.
- I'll be going to L.A. on January 21st to meet Evie, and coming home on the 25th. I expect to use a lot of cell phone minutes.
- I had the weirdest dream the other night and I totally forgot to write it down. I was invited to a dinner party by some unknown host, but when I got there, it turned out that Orli was the one who'd invited me. He didn't seem to know that we were together, though, so he just welcomed me like all of the other guests. Get this, the other guests were all his exes, and they kept coming up to me and asking me why I was there since it was only a party for people who weren't Orli's brother. I said I wasn't Orli's brother, and that's when Peter walked in with a note from Mom that told me Orli was my brother. I told Peter it couldn't be true because Orli and I had been having sex and that's when Orli told me why he had to pretend we weren't really together. He didn't want the others to know that he'd wanted to have sex with his brother. That's when I woke up.
I can pinpoint every single event from the past few weeks that led to all the elements of that dream, so I know there's absolutely no deep meaning behind it as far as my feelings for Orlando go. It was just a mishmosh of all the stress I've been feeling. Brotherly thoughts are far from what I have when it comes to him. How gross would it be if I did and still wanted to nail him? Er, I mean gross for myself. Not judging anyone else. He's nail-able. Very nail-able. So, er, feel free to have all the fantasies you like about him, brother or not, and I'll just stand over here and not get mad, judgmental or distrust you for doing it.
- Talia said that lawyer man wants to sue egg girl on my behalf. I told her to tell him that he really needs to work on his timing since all of that was settled right away. Even if it wasn't, why the hell would I want my ex-wife's divorce attorney representing me in a civil lawsuit against some crazy girl's parents? Speaking of, Mom has befriended the parents. Yeah, I know... I blame her for my need to be social.
- Sandy called today to congratulate me on my engagement. It was great! Except, I hadn't called or written to let her know. She said she heard some rumor on some show somewhere that was confirmed by a staff member at the lodge where we stayed. It's not that I don't want people to know - I want everyone to know - but I want to be the one to tell all my friends. We didn't even tell that reporter with whom we had our arrangement. And maybe I don't want everyone to know. I don't want Kevin to know. I don't want him to send me another letter. I didn't even have to open the first one he sent to feel pissed off and creepy, so if another one suddenly turns up, that'll just disturb me.