Okay
Something's really bothering me.
[locked]
So far, the only criticism of Orlando and myself that I've seen has been from nameless, faceless strangers who have their opinions published in trashy mags under the guise of reporting news. It angers me because these people have no real clue who he is and therefore it isn't their business to judge him.
Tonight, while trying to find a conversation I'd had with Orli this week, I ran across some comments from
I have no idea who she is other than a first name I can't even remember right now. And I'm not going to go back and look. I've asked him and maybe he'll tell me tomorrow. I just know it's obvious she knows him well enough to give him a piece of her mind without pulling any punches.
This is different. I'm not sure how to feel. If it's someone from Camp Cordelia, then it makes sense for her to be so critical. That's not what's bothering me, though. I was personally lambasted plenty of times by members of Camp Talia (all formerly very good friends of mine) after she filed for divorce. Pete was in the position that I am now. He would be outraged by the things they would say to me, but he would never confront them because he was an outsider (his words) in a drama that would have unfolded sooner or later.
I am not Peter. I don't think that Orlando's drama would have unfolded whether or not I was here. I think that my presence and my proposal fucked things up for him even worse than they already were. I should never have done it. Not yet. She said something along the lines of Orli having the decency to tell me that we should wait (I'm paraphrasing), take our time, etc. But he wouldn't ever say that to me because... He just wouldn't. I was on one knee in front of him, a ring in my hand, my heart in my throat, completely vulnerable and practically begging him to say yes. Orlando was not going to say, "Gee, honey, thanks for the thought, but let's take things slower." He knows that would have hurt me in that moment because all I could think about was how much I wanted to be with him. But, I guess in the long run, it would have been better for my feelings to be hurt rather than his ex-wife's.
She also said that no one else respects him enough to call him on his shit. Is that why he was so adamant I stop accepting his past behavior without thinking? I was stupid enough to think that my loyalty to him would mean something when it's my disdain he seems to want. He even dismissed how sweet he was to me after a beating and rape at the hands of a man I loved, a man who said he loved me but was ready to put a bullet in my head. How much must he want me to hate him if he couldn't see how much it meant to me that he was there for me and helped me to bury those wounds for the sake of being with him completely? He pushed it aside to dwell on the one time he wasn't there for someone because they appeared more damaged to him. I know he must have done that on purpose to try and hurt me. But I'm sorry. He's never going to get my derision or contempt. This person can think I'm some blind fool as much as she likes. The bottom line is I love him. While I see his flaws, I accept him as he is, warts and all. He's done the same with me. That's what real love means.
I don't know what the fuck to do. At one point, it sounded like he agreed with her that he should slow things down but can't because he thinks it's too late. He doesn't want me to leave him, and I sure as hell don't want to go anywhere. Should I ask him if he wants to postpone the engagement? What's the usual waiting period for this kind of thing? How long does it take a scorned woman to accept the fact her ex has moved on? Two months? Six? A year? I bought Orlando's engagement ring before the divorce was final. I knew I was going to ask him weeks before his marriage ended. Why the fuck is he taking all the heat? At the same time, why doesn't he stand up for us? Is it because he agrees with everything that woman said? He agrees with her more than he believes in what he has with me? He admitted to making mistakes? Does he mean me? I never meant to be his mistake.
God, I hate this. I hate this so much. I thought all of my doubts were behind me. Not just about this but about me. I'm a dick. I'm a dick who is going to end up alone once Orli realizes that I haven't made things better for him. I've made them worse. Jesus, now I can understand why Orli would feel the need to walk away. If I hadn't promised him I would never leave him, I would walk away right now before I ruin him.
Why doesn't he tell me when people say these things to him? Is he trying to protect me? Or does he honestly agree with it all and I'm just some asshole who goes around thinking everything's okay now because he said he wants to marry me? Well, my feet are firmly planted on the ground, now, and my head's no longer in the clouds.
At least now I know why all of his old wounds have been reopened.
[/locked]
I think I'm coming down with a cold. Just in time for New Year's Eve. Go me.
[locked]
So far, the only criticism of Orlando and myself that I've seen has been from nameless, faceless strangers who have their opinions published in trashy mags under the guise of reporting news. It angers me because these people have no real clue who he is and therefore it isn't their business to judge him.
Tonight, while trying to find a conversation I'd had with Orli this week, I ran across some comments from
I have no idea who she is other than a first name I can't even remember right now. And I'm not going to go back and look. I've asked him and maybe he'll tell me tomorrow. I just know it's obvious she knows him well enough to give him a piece of her mind without pulling any punches.
This is different. I'm not sure how to feel. If it's someone from Camp Cordelia, then it makes sense for her to be so critical. That's not what's bothering me, though. I was personally lambasted plenty of times by members of Camp Talia (all formerly very good friends of mine) after she filed for divorce. Pete was in the position that I am now. He would be outraged by the things they would say to me, but he would never confront them because he was an outsider (his words) in a drama that would have unfolded sooner or later.
I am not Peter. I don't think that Orlando's drama would have unfolded whether or not I was here. I think that my presence and my proposal fucked things up for him even worse than they already were. I should never have done it. Not yet. She said something along the lines of Orli having the decency to tell me that we should wait (I'm paraphrasing), take our time, etc. But he wouldn't ever say that to me because... He just wouldn't. I was on one knee in front of him, a ring in my hand, my heart in my throat, completely vulnerable and practically begging him to say yes. Orlando was not going to say, "Gee, honey, thanks for the thought, but let's take things slower." He knows that would have hurt me in that moment because all I could think about was how much I wanted to be with him. But, I guess in the long run, it would have been better for my feelings to be hurt rather than his ex-wife's.
She also said that no one else respects him enough to call him on his shit. Is that why he was so adamant I stop accepting his past behavior without thinking? I was stupid enough to think that my loyalty to him would mean something when it's my disdain he seems to want. He even dismissed how sweet he was to me after a beating and rape at the hands of a man I loved, a man who said he loved me but was ready to put a bullet in my head. How much must he want me to hate him if he couldn't see how much it meant to me that he was there for me and helped me to bury those wounds for the sake of being with him completely? He pushed it aside to dwell on the one time he wasn't there for someone because they appeared more damaged to him. I know he must have done that on purpose to try and hurt me. But I'm sorry. He's never going to get my derision or contempt. This person can think I'm some blind fool as much as she likes. The bottom line is I love him. While I see his flaws, I accept him as he is, warts and all. He's done the same with me. That's what real love means.
I don't know what the fuck to do. At one point, it sounded like he agreed with her that he should slow things down but can't because he thinks it's too late. He doesn't want me to leave him, and I sure as hell don't want to go anywhere. Should I ask him if he wants to postpone the engagement? What's the usual waiting period for this kind of thing? How long does it take a scorned woman to accept the fact her ex has moved on? Two months? Six? A year? I bought Orlando's engagement ring before the divorce was final. I knew I was going to ask him weeks before his marriage ended. Why the fuck is he taking all the heat? At the same time, why doesn't he stand up for us? Is it because he agrees with everything that woman said? He agrees with her more than he believes in what he has with me? He admitted to making mistakes? Does he mean me? I never meant to be his mistake.
God, I hate this. I hate this so much. I thought all of my doubts were behind me. Not just about this but about me. I'm a dick. I'm a dick who is going to end up alone once Orli realizes that I haven't made things better for him. I've made them worse. Jesus, now I can understand why Orli would feel the need to walk away. If I hadn't promised him I would never leave him, I would walk away right now before I ruin him.
Why doesn't he tell me when people say these things to him? Is he trying to protect me? Or does he honestly agree with it all and I'm just some asshole who goes around thinking everything's okay now because he said he wants to marry me? Well, my feet are firmly planted on the ground, now, and my head's no longer in the clouds.
At least now I know why all of his old wounds have been reopened.
[/locked]
I think I'm coming down with a cold. Just in time for New Year's Eve. Go me.