Pardon My Rudeness
Episode 1.001: Lost Love
(Open with Camera 4, the overhead cam, which looks down on the PMR desk. Switch to Camera 2, the close-up camera on JAY HENRY. Jay wears a crimson red business suit with a pink shirt and a white tie covered with little red hearts. On his head rests a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap.)
JH: Pardon my rudeness; I'm Jay Henry. Today we celebrate that most romantic of Hallmark greeting card holidays, Valentine’s Day. Tell me, Rob, are there no sweeter words in the English language spoken today, no words any more romantic than “Pitchers and catchers report to spring training”?
(Switch to Camera 3, the close-up camera on ROB PERKINS. Rob wears a funeral black business suit with matching shirt and tie. A dead and wilted rose is pinned to his lapel.)
RP: I'm Rob Perkins. In my book, Jay, Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. It’s a national day of mourning.
(Switch back to Camera 2. Jay’s right elbow is on the desk, and his chin is resting in his right hand.)
JH: Still trying to get over your last love, huh?
(Switch back to Camera 3. A faraway, yet slightly deranged, look appears in Rob’s eyes.)
RP: My love … my love … oh, how I miss her so. (starts to break down) Said I was too cold. Said I never saw her enough. I knew I was wrong, and I knew I took her for granted. Before I could say anything, though, my love went to Puerto Rico for a couple of summers. Found people who were interested in her. When my love came back, she said she was moving to DC and leaving me for good. That was three … long … cruel years ago.
(Switch to Camera 1, which captures both Jay and Robert in a narrow shot of the PMR desk. Rob lunges to his feet and leaps up onto the desk. He rips open both his jacket and shirt to reveal a blue-and-red Montréal Expos t-shirt.)
RP: (shouting) OH MY LOVE! ALL IS FORGIVEN! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!
(There is an awkward pause. Jay shoots Rob a sarcastic look and shakes his head in disgust.)
JH: Face the facts, Rob. The Nationals are never moving back to Montréal.
(Rob drops to his knees atop the desk. He sniffles once, then once more, before breaking out into a fit of bawling.)
JH: (facing off-camera) Would someone get Dr. Drew Pinskey on Line 3? (turns back to the camera) We’ll be right back.
Cue PMR Theme music.
(Open with Camera 4, the overhead cam, which looks down on the PMR desk. Switch to Camera 2, the close-up camera on JAY HENRY. Jay wears a crimson red business suit with a pink shirt and a white tie covered with little red hearts. On his head rests a Cincinnati Reds baseball cap.)
JH: Pardon my rudeness; I'm Jay Henry. Today we celebrate that most romantic of Hallmark greeting card holidays, Valentine’s Day. Tell me, Rob, are there no sweeter words in the English language spoken today, no words any more romantic than “Pitchers and catchers report to spring training”?
(Switch to Camera 3, the close-up camera on ROB PERKINS. Rob wears a funeral black business suit with matching shirt and tie. A dead and wilted rose is pinned to his lapel.)
RP: I'm Rob Perkins. In my book, Jay, Valentine’s Day is not a holiday. It’s a national day of mourning.
(Switch back to Camera 2. Jay’s right elbow is on the desk, and his chin is resting in his right hand.)
JH: Still trying to get over your last love, huh?
(Switch back to Camera 3. A faraway, yet slightly deranged, look appears in Rob’s eyes.)
RP: My love … my love … oh, how I miss her so. (starts to break down) Said I was too cold. Said I never saw her enough. I knew I was wrong, and I knew I took her for granted. Before I could say anything, though, my love went to Puerto Rico for a couple of summers. Found people who were interested in her. When my love came back, she said she was moving to DC and leaving me for good. That was three … long … cruel years ago.
(Switch to Camera 1, which captures both Jay and Robert in a narrow shot of the PMR desk. Rob lunges to his feet and leaps up onto the desk. He rips open both his jacket and shirt to reveal a blue-and-red Montréal Expos t-shirt.)
RP: (shouting) OH MY LOVE! ALL IS FORGIVEN! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!
(There is an awkward pause. Jay shoots Rob a sarcastic look and shakes his head in disgust.)
JH: Face the facts, Rob. The Nationals are never moving back to Montréal.
(Rob drops to his knees atop the desk. He sniffles once, then once more, before breaking out into a fit of bawling.)
JH: (facing off-camera) Would someone get Dr. Drew Pinskey on Line 3? (turns back to the camera) We’ll be right back.
Cue PMR Theme music.