(no subject)
okay, i don't know where to start, so--
blue and billy had it out - sort of. i guess billy told blue what i'd told her about telly, and he flipped his shit - i don't think on her, not totally, but on me.
which... i guess i get it, on a certain level, why that's over the line a little - only because telly is dead, and it's sort of disrespectful to bring her up, maybe, i guess, a little. (is it obvious i'm trying to convince myself here?) it's not like i told her 'i saw them fucking like crazy' - all i told her was i saw him with scratches from her after one night.
but it isn't just that he's pissed at me about - he's pissed at me because i talked to billy at all about their sex life.
okay, check this - i know he and christine talked about me and christine's sex life (or the one we didn't really have at that point). did i like that? not really. did i get pissed about it? probably - but i sure as hell didn't freak out on blue about it. my wife needed advice, and she needed advice about me, so she couldn't exactly ask me. and i get that. i get that she needs more than just me - i don't always like it, and sometimes i get a little jealous, but it's only because i worry she'll find somebody she likes better, somebody she relates to better. it's never because i don't want her talking about the life me and her have (with a few exceptions, but even those - she'd just need to talk to somebody that already knows, and that's what she did when she talked to blue).
i worry about her. i know blue isn't doing it on purpose, because i know he loves her a lot, but he doesn't even realize how bad he's fucked her up. he's not even seeing it. maybe she's just a better actor around him than around me (but that's the creepy thing - it doesn't even seem like she's acting a lot of the time, until she'll say something dismissive, or not know what to say, or just flat out tell me she's tired and she doesn't want to have to deal with that right now, so she just avoids telling him anything confrontational).
but whatever - he went off on me. said some fucked up shit. i tried telling him that i was talking to her to try to help her out - to help both of them out, because they need it - and all he kept saying was that it was disrespectful, and i should have gone to him, and that it obviously wasn't helpful at all because instead of billy being home with him to talk things through, she was out with me getting drunk.
kinda missing the point, aren't you? and that's what's kind of got me worried about her - he really does not get it, that sometimes your wife is going to have to talk to other people, and when she doesn't know how to talk to you about a problem you two are having, sometimes she's going to have to talk about you. it doesn't mean she doesn't respect you, or that the person she's talking to doesn't respect you - it means that you guys have problems, but instead of having a big fucking fight, she wants to get a second opinion. or, shit, maybe she just wants to vent.
and that was why i was so glad we met up last night after she got off work - she wasn't running straight home. she was a little pissed, and she was letting herself stay that way, and she was getting trashed with a friend and venting about it a little. healthy! finally.
and then he called, and it all went to hell. part of me wanted to not even let her go back that night, to make her come home with me - but i can't do that. this is something she has to figure out on her own. and she will, but it's just going to take some time. but she's a smart kid, and she's got a good head on her shoulders (even if she likes to pretend she doesn't see things sometimes, but, hell, pot, meet kettle, right?). i just hope blue takes a second look at her too - a real one, without all his hangups and his issues. sometimes i think he only sees what she can do for him, and not who she really is.
(part of me wonders, too - what he thinks of me and christine. he has to know how rough we play. when we all lived together, i don't think there was ever a time where she didn't have bruises somewhere - on her neck from me biting her, or her wrists from the handcuffs or me holding her down, and most of the time i'd have marks from her biting me too, or scratches that were bad enough they bled for a day or two, or-- anyway, is that unhealthy? maybe. probably. but it's fucking fun, and we both love it, so is that bad?)
anyway, i wanted to tell him that - to look at her a little closer, because she is not in a good place right now, and she is sort of traumatized from everything, and he needs to step it up and do something about that - but i didn't. she told me to vault that, and i'm going to. leave it up to her to explain that to him when she's ready.
so i texted her a little while ago, and she said things are great (which probably means they suck, but i didn't push - gonna leave it for a couple days, until we can talk in person, because i can't read her so well through texting) and that she was going to go surfing. so.. we'll see.
i just worry. i know how it is, and i worry. nobody should be going through that.
christine's birthday today - i got her a couple of cookbooks (because she asked for them, not because i'm a dick), got her a baby charm for her tiffany's bracelet (from clara, ha - christine cried), made her dinner. bought her some trashy lingerie, too, stuff i don't have to be careful with. so now that the baby's asleep, i think we're going to get trashed and fuck each other's brains out. maybe catch some on video.
all this talk about leaving bruises--
blue and billy had it out - sort of. i guess billy told blue what i'd told her about telly, and he flipped his shit - i don't think on her, not totally, but on me.
which... i guess i get it, on a certain level, why that's over the line a little - only because telly is dead, and it's sort of disrespectful to bring her up, maybe, i guess, a little. (is it obvious i'm trying to convince myself here?) it's not like i told her 'i saw them fucking like crazy' - all i told her was i saw him with scratches from her after one night.
but it isn't just that he's pissed at me about - he's pissed at me because i talked to billy at all about their sex life.
okay, check this - i know he and christine talked about me and christine's sex life (or the one we didn't really have at that point). did i like that? not really. did i get pissed about it? probably - but i sure as hell didn't freak out on blue about it. my wife needed advice, and she needed advice about me, so she couldn't exactly ask me. and i get that. i get that she needs more than just me - i don't always like it, and sometimes i get a little jealous, but it's only because i worry she'll find somebody she likes better, somebody she relates to better. it's never because i don't want her talking about the life me and her have (with a few exceptions, but even those - she'd just need to talk to somebody that already knows, and that's what she did when she talked to blue).
i worry about her. i know blue isn't doing it on purpose, because i know he loves her a lot, but he doesn't even realize how bad he's fucked her up. he's not even seeing it. maybe she's just a better actor around him than around me (but that's the creepy thing - it doesn't even seem like she's acting a lot of the time, until she'll say something dismissive, or not know what to say, or just flat out tell me she's tired and she doesn't want to have to deal with that right now, so she just avoids telling him anything confrontational).
but whatever - he went off on me. said some fucked up shit. i tried telling him that i was talking to her to try to help her out - to help both of them out, because they need it - and all he kept saying was that it was disrespectful, and i should have gone to him, and that it obviously wasn't helpful at all because instead of billy being home with him to talk things through, she was out with me getting drunk.
kinda missing the point, aren't you? and that's what's kind of got me worried about her - he really does not get it, that sometimes your wife is going to have to talk to other people, and when she doesn't know how to talk to you about a problem you two are having, sometimes she's going to have to talk about you. it doesn't mean she doesn't respect you, or that the person she's talking to doesn't respect you - it means that you guys have problems, but instead of having a big fucking fight, she wants to get a second opinion. or, shit, maybe she just wants to vent.
and that was why i was so glad we met up last night after she got off work - she wasn't running straight home. she was a little pissed, and she was letting herself stay that way, and she was getting trashed with a friend and venting about it a little. healthy! finally.
and then he called, and it all went to hell. part of me wanted to not even let her go back that night, to make her come home with me - but i can't do that. this is something she has to figure out on her own. and she will, but it's just going to take some time. but she's a smart kid, and she's got a good head on her shoulders (even if she likes to pretend she doesn't see things sometimes, but, hell, pot, meet kettle, right?). i just hope blue takes a second look at her too - a real one, without all his hangups and his issues. sometimes i think he only sees what she can do for him, and not who she really is.
(part of me wonders, too - what he thinks of me and christine. he has to know how rough we play. when we all lived together, i don't think there was ever a time where she didn't have bruises somewhere - on her neck from me biting her, or her wrists from the handcuffs or me holding her down, and most of the time i'd have marks from her biting me too, or scratches that were bad enough they bled for a day or two, or-- anyway, is that unhealthy? maybe. probably. but it's fucking fun, and we both love it, so is that bad?)
anyway, i wanted to tell him that - to look at her a little closer, because she is not in a good place right now, and she is sort of traumatized from everything, and he needs to step it up and do something about that - but i didn't. she told me to vault that, and i'm going to. leave it up to her to explain that to him when she's ready.
so i texted her a little while ago, and she said things are great (which probably means they suck, but i didn't push - gonna leave it for a couple days, until we can talk in person, because i can't read her so well through texting) and that she was going to go surfing. so.. we'll see.
i just worry. i know how it is, and i worry. nobody should be going through that.
christine's birthday today - i got her a couple of cookbooks (because she asked for them, not because i'm a dick), got her a baby charm for her tiffany's bracelet (from clara, ha - christine cried), made her dinner. bought her some trashy lingerie, too, stuff i don't have to be careful with. so now that the baby's asleep, i think we're going to get trashed and fuck each other's brains out. maybe catch some on video.
all this talk about leaving bruises--