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so i have definately come to some serious personality checks over spring break. I think that I definately have a lot to work on and I still have a lot of growing I need to do. I don't really know if me and my sister will ever be ok, all i know is i have completely lost all hope in a relationship with her after saturday morning. I really dont want to grow up and be the person who doesnt talk to her own family but I just feel like right now it will be best for me to just cut her off from me. I seriously dont know why i let her get to me, i can be a hard ass to anyone else and just be like forget you, you are forgoten already, but her....I think i let her get to me so bad because she is probably the one person i want a friendship with the most and for her to just continually reject me hurts like you would not belive. I really am miserable all the time when i come home because she upsets me that bad and my parents see it as both of our problems, and thats were my reality check comes in. Maybe i am part of the problem, I need to work on this. I need to become a better person and I need to start acting older. I want to be respected and i want to do well in life.
School was really stressful right before break, but its picking up. I just want good grades...for so many reasons. I want to have a good record to show other schools and get a good education. I want them for myself, because it feels so good. but mostly I want my parents to see my grades and be proud of me. that their daughter went away to school and was responsible enough to have fun but get down to her school work.
I feel like my friendships are slipping a little, and i need to do something about this. It has really been hard being away at school and being away from the boyfriend and the friends. I dont have a lot of time when i come home and i think that i need to start budgeting my time more evenly...i miss them. I need to have more serious girly talks about stupid things, i need to start being able to laugh at stupid girly things with them more, i need to start knowing more about what is going on in their lives. I also realized I needed a reality check in this area of my life as well, i need to act differently, i need to be more mature, and at the same time be less mature with them : )
The school year is almost over, exactly 7 weeks left of school and i just look foward to the end thinking about how good it will feel to be done and know that i got through my first year of college. It has been an experience...nothing that i expected at all. Of all the day dreaming i did months before i went away to school, it definitely all changed. I always thought i would come to school and loveeee being here, make tons of lasting friendships, join a sorority, and make this my home for the next 4 years...oh wow, i don't think one of those things happened the way i had planned. I dont really regret not making lots of friends but i do feel like i missed out on a lot of social things and i regret closing myself off to a lot of people. I definately decided that i liked going home a lot and didnt rush. i dont really regret that. And my decision to come home...oh isnt this a hot debated topic. My dad has voiced his thoughts on this topic, saying that he thinks i am making the wrong decision but that home is my home and i am always welcome there.
You have no idea how much thought i have put in to this decision. I think that the song "Should i stay or should i go now? If i go there will be trouble, if i stay there will be double" states my case perfectly. As joannah puts it if you stay and there is going to be double the trouble....well how stupid to stay. hah. but in all seriousness, i really want to go home and i really think that i will be happier there. Its not just for the reason everyone thinks is the reason...i just always wish i was home. Not for one second do i regret coming here this year though, infact i am greatful that i got to have this experience here at ISU. i love it here and im so happy i picked isu to be my home and school. I will definiately miss it here next year but i will be so much happier to have to pack to come here than have to pack to go home.
I cant help but think about my future alllll the time. I try and picture what my career will be in the future to maybe have some insightful revelation on what i want to do in life...but nothing. I can not for the life of me picture a suiting career...i think fate will take me a some direction...hopefully. All i know is i want to be done with school in minumum amount of years. I do not for anything want to be in school forever. I also picture myself with a grown up life but i can not imagine having the career to support that life...i can not for the life of me imagine being in my early twenties and having a career and my own life. The other day when i had dinner with jims family his future brother in law was talking about his job offers being a teacher and moving to perhaps colorado...he is only 22 or 23...and i cant imagine that in 5 years i will be having a career. I know not everyone takes that route right away, my sister is no where near career and she is 22 and it is a perfectly acceptable thing...its just i want to be career ready that early, i just dont know how i can be ready for something so quickly.
I picture my life starting then, and i like that it is going to. I picture exactly who i want to spend my life with, and how it will be, and what kind of puppy, and house, and cars...but its thinking about things like that that kinda of scare me. I dont know if i should think about things like that because if they dont turn out that way i will be devestatingly heart broken. Everything i think just feels so strongly. I think that my relationship is so perfect right now. Jim makes me a better person, he really helps me see my own faults. I think it says a lot when he can tell me, hey this is your problem you just did this. I think it also says a lot that he can put up with all my shit and love me through me being me. I know that he helps me feel good about myself and good about who i am, and good about the future.
I dont know what my life will turn out like, but i know that 6 months from now ill be making the exact same post as this, reflecting on my life and my future expectations. Its so typical of me...I think i have an obsession and making lists of things to do and writing down things i need to do and things that i have accomplished, i do it with school work, and random errands i need to do. I just feel like writing things out puts some kind of organization in my life. Well i should keep this to look at the next time i write my life biography.