Thinking
So it's been about two and a half months of post-graduation confusion and adjustment. Kind of feels like purgatory actually. It's taken me this long to sort of bliss myself out for a bit, then sink into a deep feeling of directionlessness (not a word I know), and lack of motivation to get into the world of work. The whole concept of it seems somehow odd to me, as if it shouldn't have to exist. Of course I know people need to work, things need to get done so that we can move on with our progress in the world and so we can have money/time to do the things we want to do that don't necessarily serve a marketable purpose to society. At first I rejected it, but I've learned to live with it. The whole concept of capitalism seems utterly and hopelessly flawed to me, the mere nature of it just seems backwards. It's like we're working against ourselves. The automated structure of the capitalist economy consistently demanding more, more products, more "innovation", more sales, more units moved, of course so we can make more money to buy more goods that consistently degrades in quality in order to reduce costs, while remaining at the bare minimum to pass by as a valued product. It just seems fucked up to me somehow. But I've learned that nothing's perfect, and I guess if it's been working this far then it might as well keep going until the time comes that we get over it and find some other way to do things. Whatever.
But mainly I've spent the last two months trying to figure out where I want to be in this world, what I want to do and where I want to try to get myself. Of course these aren't easy things to answer, and in my experience it's a question that most people struggle with every day no matter how old they are. I've just been missing out on it until now because I've been on the train tracks of education my whole life, where your livelihood is somewhat supported, and you have SOME decision that can change the bearing of your life but you still remain grounded on those tracks towards the inevitable graduation, where I was led to believe that we'd all be employed and we'd be able to support our own livelihoods without depending on our parents or anyone else to stay afloat. Obviously this was a misconception. We all choose our own paths in life and we live with the consequences and successes of our actions.
I've also spent a lot of time reading deep into philosophy, trying to find some sort of answer there. Like what's the point in it all, who/what is this sensation of self, and where does it stand in the rest of it all, and most of all what does this mean towards what I choose to do? Of course some of these questions are completely unintelligible and are in reality nonsense to ask. But I think I've discovered the overall answer - just do what you do. Do what makes you happy, and work towards what you want. Because what's the point of doing anything if you don't enjoy it or if you're not working towards something you will enjoy? Live for the present. Don't live for the future, don't live for the past. The present is all we have. The past is merely memories, and the future is merely speculation. If we stay grounded in either end, we'll miss what's happening right here right now. And I do realize that the words I type are immediately at variance with the real truth, because language is both limited and open to interpretation. But at least I understand it, and that's what does matter.
So as I said a few months earlier, I'm pursuing my happiness and getting myself back to London somehow. I don't know how or why but I just feel happier there. Maybe I just feel happier when I'm out of my "home" element, away from familiarity. Or maybe it's because I like being in a place with great diversity, or I like being one of a minority rather than one of a majority. Whatever it is, I'm going to pursue it and see how far it takes me. If it doesn't lead me where I thought it would, then fuck it, I still needed to go that far to figure that fact out and know it in my bones. If I don't I'll never know. But I think there's a reason why nearly every day I am stricken with flashes of memories from when I was there. memories more vivid and emotionally intense than any others I've ever had. There's a reason that ever since I had a concept of the UK, heard an English person speak, or anything like that, I've felt drawn to it before I even fully knew what it was. Who knows why this is, and I am not going to bother delving into it. But as I learned (and wrote) in the past, not only was I drawn to it, but it was drawn to me too. That is something that I find undeniably significant.
Originally my plan was to apply to graduate school in the UK, so I could get contacts there and get a visa and a job easily after finishing so I could stay. I was going to apply to the Global Marketing Management program, because I like marketing, I think I can manage people well, and I have international experience and I love how cultures interact. Also, as the world continues to get closer and closer together and globalization continues to progress, international positions are going to become more and more in demand. But I think it's too early for me to do that, I need more life experience first before I get into the world of full time work, no matter how well I get paid, if I don't want to work that much then I won't be happy. So I think I should do that in a year or two from now. Now is the time for me to live it up, see more of the world, and explore new things.
So I've discovered a very viable option: teaching English as a foreign language. People have told me before that I would make a good teacher and I agree. The mere concept of sharing knowledge and bringing about achievement in others is a great feeling to me. I feel capable, I love people, and I love to travel and meet people from different cultures and develop connections with them. It seems perfect to me. I have to take a 4-week course to get certified, and it's an internationally recognized qualification, so I could teach anywhere where jobs are offered, which is basically any country because English is more and more becoming required for business interactions and is in general becoming a primary language for communication between cultures. Also, it would generally help me to build a foundation for getting into the Global Marketing Management program later on.
But the bottom line isn't really my reasoning behind it, it's what I do that matters. And what I'm going to do is see how viable it would be for me to fly to London, take the course, and get a teaching job there for a year or however long I'd like. If it's viable, I'm going to do it as soon as possible. Yes, I'm young still, but I'm not getting any younger, and I feel I have a lot to do with this body before it dies at some undetermined time.
And I realize this is going to take me far away from my friends, family, and the people that I love, and the people who love me, especially my parents, my brother, and Josephine, all of whom I love dearly. But at the same time, I somehow feel that it's something that I have to do, even if it will be very difficult for me and for them. I've only thus far been away from my home in Massachusetts for six months, and what I'm about to step into will probably lead me away from there for longer than that. But the bottom line remains, as the most important part, is that since graduating I haven't felt truly happy here, as much as I am surrounded by people whom I love and who make me happy, and vice versa. But even now, as I stand at the edge of this decision I feel the excitement coming back in the pit of my stomach that is making me let out tears from my eyes, makes my nose run, makes my hands shake, and makes me want to shout in joy, all at the same time. It is this excitement that makes me feel alive, this feeling that makes me ME, and NO ONE can deny that.
I need to do this, and I know I can, because I have the strength to get there, and I need to know the strength, in my bones and in my body, that I can endure anything.
If everything goes well I hope to be in London by the end of September.
I will of course keep writing about my progress, and I'd love to hear from all of you, my beloved readers, what you think about what I have written.
Until next time, later!
But mainly I've spent the last two months trying to figure out where I want to be in this world, what I want to do and where I want to try to get myself. Of course these aren't easy things to answer, and in my experience it's a question that most people struggle with every day no matter how old they are. I've just been missing out on it until now because I've been on the train tracks of education my whole life, where your livelihood is somewhat supported, and you have SOME decision that can change the bearing of your life but you still remain grounded on those tracks towards the inevitable graduation, where I was led to believe that we'd all be employed and we'd be able to support our own livelihoods without depending on our parents or anyone else to stay afloat. Obviously this was a misconception. We all choose our own paths in life and we live with the consequences and successes of our actions.
I've also spent a lot of time reading deep into philosophy, trying to find some sort of answer there. Like what's the point in it all, who/what is this sensation of self, and where does it stand in the rest of it all, and most of all what does this mean towards what I choose to do? Of course some of these questions are completely unintelligible and are in reality nonsense to ask. But I think I've discovered the overall answer - just do what you do. Do what makes you happy, and work towards what you want. Because what's the point of doing anything if you don't enjoy it or if you're not working towards something you will enjoy? Live for the present. Don't live for the future, don't live for the past. The present is all we have. The past is merely memories, and the future is merely speculation. If we stay grounded in either end, we'll miss what's happening right here right now. And I do realize that the words I type are immediately at variance with the real truth, because language is both limited and open to interpretation. But at least I understand it, and that's what does matter.
So as I said a few months earlier, I'm pursuing my happiness and getting myself back to London somehow. I don't know how or why but I just feel happier there. Maybe I just feel happier when I'm out of my "home" element, away from familiarity. Or maybe it's because I like being in a place with great diversity, or I like being one of a minority rather than one of a majority. Whatever it is, I'm going to pursue it and see how far it takes me. If it doesn't lead me where I thought it would, then fuck it, I still needed to go that far to figure that fact out and know it in my bones. If I don't I'll never know. But I think there's a reason why nearly every day I am stricken with flashes of memories from when I was there. memories more vivid and emotionally intense than any others I've ever had. There's a reason that ever since I had a concept of the UK, heard an English person speak, or anything like that, I've felt drawn to it before I even fully knew what it was. Who knows why this is, and I am not going to bother delving into it. But as I learned (and wrote) in the past, not only was I drawn to it, but it was drawn to me too. That is something that I find undeniably significant.
Originally my plan was to apply to graduate school in the UK, so I could get contacts there and get a visa and a job easily after finishing so I could stay. I was going to apply to the Global Marketing Management program, because I like marketing, I think I can manage people well, and I have international experience and I love how cultures interact. Also, as the world continues to get closer and closer together and globalization continues to progress, international positions are going to become more and more in demand. But I think it's too early for me to do that, I need more life experience first before I get into the world of full time work, no matter how well I get paid, if I don't want to work that much then I won't be happy. So I think I should do that in a year or two from now. Now is the time for me to live it up, see more of the world, and explore new things.
So I've discovered a very viable option: teaching English as a foreign language. People have told me before that I would make a good teacher and I agree. The mere concept of sharing knowledge and bringing about achievement in others is a great feeling to me. I feel capable, I love people, and I love to travel and meet people from different cultures and develop connections with them. It seems perfect to me. I have to take a 4-week course to get certified, and it's an internationally recognized qualification, so I could teach anywhere where jobs are offered, which is basically any country because English is more and more becoming required for business interactions and is in general becoming a primary language for communication between cultures. Also, it would generally help me to build a foundation for getting into the Global Marketing Management program later on.
But the bottom line isn't really my reasoning behind it, it's what I do that matters. And what I'm going to do is see how viable it would be for me to fly to London, take the course, and get a teaching job there for a year or however long I'd like. If it's viable, I'm going to do it as soon as possible. Yes, I'm young still, but I'm not getting any younger, and I feel I have a lot to do with this body before it dies at some undetermined time.
And I realize this is going to take me far away from my friends, family, and the people that I love, and the people who love me, especially my parents, my brother, and Josephine, all of whom I love dearly. But at the same time, I somehow feel that it's something that I have to do, even if it will be very difficult for me and for them. I've only thus far been away from my home in Massachusetts for six months, and what I'm about to step into will probably lead me away from there for longer than that. But the bottom line remains, as the most important part, is that since graduating I haven't felt truly happy here, as much as I am surrounded by people whom I love and who make me happy, and vice versa. But even now, as I stand at the edge of this decision I feel the excitement coming back in the pit of my stomach that is making me let out tears from my eyes, makes my nose run, makes my hands shake, and makes me want to shout in joy, all at the same time. It is this excitement that makes me feel alive, this feeling that makes me ME, and NO ONE can deny that.
I need to do this, and I know I can, because I have the strength to get there, and I need to know the strength, in my bones and in my body, that I can endure anything.
If everything goes well I hope to be in London by the end of September.
I will of course keep writing about my progress, and I'd love to hear from all of you, my beloved readers, what you think about what I have written.
Until next time, later!