Random Garbled Thoughts
So... like, there's a girl... she's pretty awesome. I don't know how to go about the steps I need to feel closer to her... in some ways, most of the steps feel like they're in her court. Like, I feel at times that I've gone as far as I can go and I've done as much as I can, and still, there remains a cliffhanger. I've run as fast as I can, till my lungs were on fire and it got hard to breathe, and even though my destination is fast approaching, there are a myriad of questions and random inquisitions in my head that linger - and sometimes bother me.
I can be callous. I can be completely rude, and I can be as non-caring of a person's feelings as to send shockwaves towards people. Take today for instance, I walked by a woman, and, knowing she was behind me, said, "That girl needs to eat more," in easy earshot. I got a, "She's right behind you," and I replied... "I don't care."
So what is it, then, that allows me to exert such patience and understanding for the awesome girl? First, I guess, you could say she's awesome. There are other things that allow me to be understanding that I completely don't understand myself, that I'm trying to figure out, but I'm afraid one day she's gonna catch a vehement attitude. Patience inevitably wears thin under duress... and I can be as cold as the dark brooding heroes that I play. When I am pushed to the point, which can be alluded to being irritated, not even mad, I can fire off a salvo that leaves jaws hanging and people wondering how the fuck I can say these things in front of people and still look human. I am devilishly polite, I slap it on with ease and charm and can bend anyone I want... though to be sure, there is an exact polar opposite of my mannerism and charisma that leaves smoldering craters and tears falling to quash my flames. To see me angry, when I am completely capable of disarming anyone, is just awful. I battle with a lot of my demons, hours a day I sometimes stew and find myself exhausted...
Still, I try. Her situation is debilitating to the both of us, and tho I've done what I can to fix it and have us move on, it still hasn't happened, and as such, I feel like I could have done more - because it's completely possible to have already executed what needs to be done. What part of me is failing in this regard? I am completely capable of getting things done... and yet... here I languish, doing things as feverishly as I can while I am mentally consumed by millions of things that bug the shit out of me. I've stepped out of my shell and used her as inspiration to drive myself higher and be more capable, but then there are a million things that I just don't know. Neither of us needed to step out, she was/is with someone she loved/loves, and I... well... I just wander. My friends all have a habit of asking me, "Where are you now?" Physically, mentally... I can give some answers... a state and a state of mind... but then... I fall back and wonder, just what state of mind am I in?
I daydream. Way too much. I've not daydreamed of anyone but her for a long time. But before her, what was there? There was my ex. I was pitifully miserable. I didn't even originally want her as my girlfriend. What IS a girlfriend, exactly? And am I even considered anything of that state? I really wish I knew.
Other things that bug me... because I'm not sure how they work anymore... do I have a girlfriend? It sounds funny, it certainly feels funny. I've pointed out that sometimes I point out she is - to strangers. I can't say that she is to anyone who knows the story, because... it makes me feel stupid. I feel a burn in my face and I am ashamed. I have a callous friend, a real asshole, and he pointed it out and made fun of me for over an hour. I can swallow that shit, he's a good friend because he does just that - and though his tact is lacking a bit at times, it echoes incredibly clear against what I ignore. How can I say she is just what I want her to be, when she lives with another? What am I, if I don't know what to consider her? All of these answers plus more exist, but she never has enough time for me. Typically, I am just too glad she pays attention to me in the first place that I just forget that there are problems. I am gradually acknowledging that they exist, and tho I've no desire to get fired up over them, I still have done what I can to fix them, and they still aren't fixed. In what ways am I failing? Am I simply not good enough for this to just be done with? What gives? Why do I feel like I deserve something that... makes me feel really good and bad? It used to be just good, but something is undermining some of it, and I'm scared. I don't want to tell her she has her work cut out for her, but I feel like I'm being damaged...
I can be callous. I can be completely rude, and I can be as non-caring of a person's feelings as to send shockwaves towards people. Take today for instance, I walked by a woman, and, knowing she was behind me, said, "That girl needs to eat more," in easy earshot. I got a, "She's right behind you," and I replied... "I don't care."
So what is it, then, that allows me to exert such patience and understanding for the awesome girl? First, I guess, you could say she's awesome. There are other things that allow me to be understanding that I completely don't understand myself, that I'm trying to figure out, but I'm afraid one day she's gonna catch a vehement attitude. Patience inevitably wears thin under duress... and I can be as cold as the dark brooding heroes that I play. When I am pushed to the point, which can be alluded to being irritated, not even mad, I can fire off a salvo that leaves jaws hanging and people wondering how the fuck I can say these things in front of people and still look human. I am devilishly polite, I slap it on with ease and charm and can bend anyone I want... though to be sure, there is an exact polar opposite of my mannerism and charisma that leaves smoldering craters and tears falling to quash my flames. To see me angry, when I am completely capable of disarming anyone, is just awful. I battle with a lot of my demons, hours a day I sometimes stew and find myself exhausted...
Still, I try. Her situation is debilitating to the both of us, and tho I've done what I can to fix it and have us move on, it still hasn't happened, and as such, I feel like I could have done more - because it's completely possible to have already executed what needs to be done. What part of me is failing in this regard? I am completely capable of getting things done... and yet... here I languish, doing things as feverishly as I can while I am mentally consumed by millions of things that bug the shit out of me. I've stepped out of my shell and used her as inspiration to drive myself higher and be more capable, but then there are a million things that I just don't know. Neither of us needed to step out, she was/is with someone she loved/loves, and I... well... I just wander. My friends all have a habit of asking me, "Where are you now?" Physically, mentally... I can give some answers... a state and a state of mind... but then... I fall back and wonder, just what state of mind am I in?
I daydream. Way too much. I've not daydreamed of anyone but her for a long time. But before her, what was there? There was my ex. I was pitifully miserable. I didn't even originally want her as my girlfriend. What IS a girlfriend, exactly? And am I even considered anything of that state? I really wish I knew.
Other things that bug me... because I'm not sure how they work anymore... do I have a girlfriend? It sounds funny, it certainly feels funny. I've pointed out that sometimes I point out she is - to strangers. I can't say that she is to anyone who knows the story, because... it makes me feel stupid. I feel a burn in my face and I am ashamed. I have a callous friend, a real asshole, and he pointed it out and made fun of me for over an hour. I can swallow that shit, he's a good friend because he does just that - and though his tact is lacking a bit at times, it echoes incredibly clear against what I ignore. How can I say she is just what I want her to be, when she lives with another? What am I, if I don't know what to consider her? All of these answers plus more exist, but she never has enough time for me. Typically, I am just too glad she pays attention to me in the first place that I just forget that there are problems. I am gradually acknowledging that they exist, and tho I've no desire to get fired up over them, I still have done what I can to fix them, and they still aren't fixed. In what ways am I failing? Am I simply not good enough for this to just be done with? What gives? Why do I feel like I deserve something that... makes me feel really good and bad? It used to be just good, but something is undermining some of it, and I'm scared. I don't want to tell her she has her work cut out for her, but I feel like I'm being damaged...