Back To Your Arms
x - 2
…
The midnight air sent chills down Rachel’s spine the moment they stepped out of the crowded bar. She gripped her coat tight around her body and tried her best to avoid looking at Santana for longer than she should. She somehow couldn’t help it. It had been five years since she last saw her face and she realized she’d started forgetting every small detail of what she used to look like; from the way she quirked her eyebrows to those dimples she used to charm her way to people. She was immediately flooded with memories at seeing how she still had the same crooked smile.
And at the same moment she was having a hard time recognizing this person standing next to her in a street where people pass by everywhere and yet it felt like they were the only two that existed. Something had changed after that night. She couldn’t figure out what exactly but it had definitely something to do with her eyes. How it didn’t hold the same glow she used to see in them when they were together. How it looked almost… morose.
Rachel wanted to ask her so badly what had happened after she left. Why she had to leave town in the first place. Was she really that scared of being with Rachel that she’d chose to run away from everyone without an explanation and a simple goodbye? If not Rachel she at least owed their friends that much. They all worried about her just as much as she did. They tried as far as communication would allow contacting her and keeping in touch but after everything she didn’t even make a single effort to answer any of their calls and emails.
She wanted to be angry at her; to demand all her reasons for leaving. Didn’t she think it had been hard for her, too? Was she really that selfish?
Yet she couldn’t find it in herself to voice out any of it. She didn’t know exactly where to start. All she could do was follow and wait and fidget with her hands as the deafening silence between them ate her consciousness.
Santana finally turned to her with that bright smile of hers and she thought how could she still smile like that like nothing in the past five years had happened?
“Small world, huh?” she commented, dry humor evident in her tone.
Rachel didn’t answer and instead found interest in staring at the rusted lamp post on the sidewalk.
“So... How have you been?” The other girl tried again.
How have you been? That’s all she had to say? Rachel wanted to shake her and demand if she was for real. In fact she wanted to pinch herself to know if any of these was real. That Santana was really standing in front of her, asking her how she had been after years of not seeing each other.
She just let out a heavy sigh and forced herself to look her in the eye.
“I’m great. Couldn’t be any better.”
It was a cold response, she knew. The truth was she didn’t know how to talk to her anymore than Santana did. A lot of things had been left unsaid between them that became too much of a burden for Rachel that she didn’t even know what to say anymore.
Santana met her stare, her brow scrunching as if she’s trying to figure out what she’s thinking.
“So I’ve heard.” She looked down on her shoes for a fleeting second, hesitated then looked back up again and gave her a small smile. “Congratulations on… you know.”
Rachel nodded and looked away suddenly feeling a lump rising in her throat. Of course she’d heard about it. The engagement had been all over the paper.
She waited for an awkward mili-second before speaking again, swallowing hard. “How…how long have you been in the city?”
“Three months?” Santana made a move to rest her back on the wall of the closed establishment they were standing in. “Some friend had this idea of opening and co-managing a bar. I thought it was a great idea. And I’ve always wanted to work in one, you know? Free beers and all that.”
Rachel had to suppress a smile at that. She instantly felt a sense of recognition at knowing that Santana still had that humor after all these years.
“So you own the place,” was all she could think of responding.
“Co-managing. My friend mostly pays for the expenses. ‘Sides I don’t have much to go along with. College drop outs don’t usually get to have decent jobs that pay good.”
That made Rachel stare at her in confusion, “You dropped out of College?”
Santana looked across the street and shrugged. “Dad’s really pissed but he’ll live.”
Rachel wanted to ask why. Didn’t she want to be a lawyer? She’d always prided herself in knowing how to talk herself into people. How to psyche them with words. Weren’t those a quality of an actual good lawyer?
“So you just dropped out like that? Like it’s nothing?”
Like us. Just like you dropped us.
It had hit a nerve and she saw Santana went rigid at the statement. She instantly regretted even saying anything. She didn’t want to think about it now. She didn’t want to remember.
“Rachel…”
Don’t.
She wanted to leave. She wanted to get away from her. She didn’t like the sudden rush of emotion at hearing how Santana said her name the way she used to. The way she only knew how.
Rachel turned away from her, desperately squeezing her eyes shut to prevent any tears from falling. She’s not going to cry. Not in this place and not in front of her.
There was silence and for a second Rachel thought of looking back at Santana to see what she was doing but she stopped herself and held her breath. She didn’t want her to see the heart break of years ago still obviously present in her face. After all this time she thought she had moved on; that she had forgotten everything. But then she sees her again and every feeling came flooding back in an instant.
She had to get away from there fast.
“I’m going to go now,” she murmured coldly, turning on the sidewalk as a cab stopped in front of her.
She grabbed hold of the car door all intending to leave as fast as her feet would allow but was stopped from getting in when Santana called out to her.
“I’m so sorry, Rachel.” she whispered in a voice loud enough for her to only hear.
Rachel’s breath hitched but she chose not to respond, opening the cab and hopping inside without ever glancing back at where Santana was left standing on the sidewalk.
…
The insistent buzzing from her front door woke Rachel up from the deep slumber she was in. She groaned from her pillow and forced herself to stand up; wiping her mouth as she listlessly opened the door only to be greeted by her boyfriend’s presence standing expectantly in front of her.
“Rachel,” Jeremy let out a relieved sigh and enveloped her in a bone crushing hug. “I’ve been trying to contact you all night. Where have you been?”
Rachel looked at him in confusion. He’d been calling? She couldn’t recall even having her phone last night. As soon as she got home she threw all her belongings on the living room couch and jumped on her bed. She may have cried herself to sleep but she certainly couldn’t remember anymore.
“I’ve been here all night.” She mumbled hesitantly from his chest.
“Toby told me you left them and that they didn’t know where you went. I tried calling you as soon as I could and I got really worried when you didn’t pick up.”
She must’ve left her phone somewhere. She was too occupied and felt so exhausted last night she didn’t even have the mind to care about anything else.
“I’m sorry I must’ve lost it.”
She had a fairly good idea where but she really didn’t want to think about it when her fiancé had her in an embrace so warm it melted all the coldness she was feeling in her chest.
“It’s okay.” Jeremy smiled and kissed her forehead tenderly. “Just don’t make me worry like that again and we’re good.”
She nodded and smiled back, standing on tiptoes to give him a peck on the lips, “I promise.”
How could she be so lucky to have someone like him? A guy like him deserved someone who will devote all their love and affection completely, yet here he was in her arms, holding her as if she’s the most precious thing in the world. She knew that whatever happened last night had just been another part of her past that she should’ve let go a long time ago. Jeremy is her present and future now. He is her everything now. She on the other hand was just a distant memory of her past life she would be willing to forget to finally move forward with her new one.
…
Rachel was nervous at going back there to be honest. She didn’t think her heart could beat any faster at the thought of being face to face with her again. She just had to get her phone, leave just as fast and that would be it. But she had been standing in the same spot in front of the place for Jesus knows how long and she couldn’t will herself to just go in and be done with it.
She was however interrupted with her inner musings when she felt a hand on her shoulders and she almost jumped out in surprise.
“Whoa, calm down Missy. I’m not gonna mug ya.” It was a girl with a long black messy hair in a tank top and leather pants. She looked like a rockstar except that she wasn’t. Rachel just stared for a moment trying to calm her heart beat as the other girl looked her up and down and then started smirking with herself and continued leering at her.
Rachel gulped audibly and tried not to notice how she was checking her out, “I apologized, you just startled me is all.”
The girl frowned and started chewing on her gum, “You talk like you’re from another century, girly. Now that’s a total turn off, ya know?”
She blushed slightly and decided to ignore the comment, cutting to the reason of why she was there in the first place. “I’m sorry but I’m actually looking for Santana Lopez. She works here and I need to see her.”
“You lookin’ for my home girl?” Leather girl chewed on and looked at her curiously. “Listen here, if you’re one of her hook ups then I’m sorry, Lopez doesn’t do relationships and commitments and all that shit so just save your time and forget the bitch.”
Rachel faltered at the information but she tried to hide the surprising hurt that crossed her face. “I’m not one of her ‘hook ups’.” she said in a small voice, and then she bit her lip and nervously but determinedly looked up at the girl. “Look, can you just tell me where she is?”
“Whoa, okay... no need to bust a window at me.” The girl held her hands playfully, smirking once more and pointed with her thumb at the entrance of the bar. “She’s inside.”
Rachel just nodded a thank you, swallowed hard and tensely stepped inside without so much as a backward glance. The place looked empty apart from the tables and upturned chairs that it looked completely different from how it was last night. She nervously roamed her eyes around for a moment until she spotted the cocktail bar and sure enough she found the girl she was looking for sitting on the counter busily writing over something.
She tried to keep the beating of her heart under control and forced herself to take a deep breath as she slowly went over to her but then someone yelled from behind before she can even make it to where Santana was sitting.
“Yo, Lopez! There’s a fine ass girl lookin’ for you.” It was Leather girl.
That instantly caught Santana’s attention and she looked up just in time to see Rachel standing awkwardly in the middle of the room and staring at her.
“Rachel…” Santana stared back for a moment, looking stunned at the sight of her.
Rachel pulled herself together and defiantly walked up to her.
“I’m only here for my phone.” she stated indifferently, trying to avoid looking at her in the eyes.
That seemed to pull Santana awake on whatever trance she was in and she immediately broke her intense gaze on Rachel and reached on her back pocket for the phone.
“O-of course… here.”
She handed her the phone and their fingers touched slightly and Rachel felt instant electricity at the brief contact. She pulled her hand away and looked down on her shoes.
“Thank you,” she mumbled timidly.
“You’re lucky one of our staffs found it or you wouldn’t see the end of it.” Santana said in an attempt of a conversation.
Rachel smiled weakly and turned to leave but not before Santana caught her in the arms, making her frozen on the spot.
“Look, Rachel…” she sighed heavily. “I’m really freaking sorry for everything. I - I just… maybe we could…”
“What?” Rachel finally looked at her and waited.
Santana let go of her arms and gave her a sad smile, “Maybe we could at least be friends again.”
Rachel thought for a moment then shook her head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Santana.”
“Why not? I mean, we were friends before all of this and… and I know you’re mad at me but you’ve moved on and you’re… you’re getting married now so I don’t think any of that should matter anymore.”
It still matters. Rachel wanted to scream at her. All she wanted to do was forget about her and that night and she didn’t think she could if she was constantly going to see Santana and act like nothing had happened between them. She didn’t think her heart could handle it.
“It’s just that…” Santana continued when she didn’t say anything. “It’s just that I really missed you, Rachel.”
“Stop!” Rachel squeezed her eyes shut, trying her best to clear her mind of anything. “Just stop, Santana.”
There was silence and she opened her eyes again to see Santana looking desperately at her. She intended to just walk away from her yet again when something from her neck caught her eyes.
It was the necklace she gave Santana on her birthday.
Santana realized what she was staring at and immediately tucked the necklace on the collar of her shirt.
Rachel bit her lip and pleaded in a weak voice, “Please don’t screw with my head. I’m getting married and I really don’t need this from you right now.”
Santana regarded her for a moment before finally nodding in defeat, “I understand. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore. Just… forget we ever met.”
Something twisted in Rachel’s chest at Santana’s words but she held herself together. She mumbled a thank you before turning around once again, passing Leather girl who had been watching them the whole time on her way and barely containing her tears as she made it outside, waiving for a cab and breaking down in sobs as soon as she got in the passenger seat.
…
TBC