Keep Yourself Alive is a strange song to be on right now.

[evrymeevryyou]

I wasn't sure if I would post about this or not. See, here's the internal dilemma going on: I want you all to know what's going on with me, but I don't want to burden you with what that may entail. So no, I'm not asking for pity or remourse or whatever else you may feel like you need to give me. I'm just telling. If you feel the need to express yourself somehow, you're welcome to, but please don't feel obligated. I just don't want you thinking I'm out here looking for pity. But here it is: Michael died a couple days ago. I think it was Friday. That's why I didn't tell my family I was going to St. Louis, I didn't want them to feel bad about telling me it happened [I knew it would be this weekend] and "ruining" my trip or something. I still haven't told my mom. I don't feel like she needs to know. I mean, I'll tell her sometime. But right now we need to focus on her. I don't know what she's going to do. She has no income because she can't work, so she obviously can't keep this wonderful new house of hers. She's going to have to move again, but where can she move? She can't work somewhere else any more than she can work where she is. And she's not the type to accept being a burden on somebody. It would make sense for her to come up to this area, to be with her family. But there's something I'm a little afraid of, and it's completely unfounded, I know, but it just hit me. They moved up to Mansfield partly to be with Michael's family and where he grew up, and after only a little bit there he is now gone. I'm glad he died there, in his favourite place, but still... I don't want something similar to happen to my mom. I'm not ready to let go of her yet. And yet, I still can't really bring myself to call her that often. The only times I think of it are during class or late at night when she should be asleep. And I feel like i have to stay "sstrong" for everyone else, because they all have enough on their mind. But then what about me? I need to find a way to just be completely alone for a few minutes, away from any people I know or don't know, and deal with this however I happen to deal with it. But I don't have time for that. I have to write a paper and sleep and take a shower and go to classes and give a tour [how joyous that will be... I'll have a peppy face, though] and on and on and the homework just piles up and there's no break until March. I need a break before then. I had one, this weekend, but then this happened. There's just too much. My mind can't really handle it all, and is just purging so much from my mind. It's clearing it all out, and I don't know what there is I haven't done or need to do for the next couple days. And I want to try to be my usual self for everybody so they don't ask about what's going on because if I have to talk about it out loud I'll probably vry and nobody wants to see that, but that's just kind of hard to do right now. Both acting normal and not crying. Here they are, finally coming out. Took them long enough, sheesh. Oh, nope. They went back inside. No crying for Micah tonight. Shit tomorrow is going to be hard.

Seperately, will someone make sure I continue using present tense with him? Because that's something that goes along with my belief about souls and memories as reliving and such and such blah blah. It's just a culturally-produced habit to automatically swutch into that damned past-tense now, because he's no longer corporeal. Screw that, eh? He's still here. And he'll be here as long as someone remembers him or ever thinks about him, even if they never met. Damn, look how long Plato has been around, and Abraham, and Noah. That's completely ridiculous. They're fucking old.

But, yeah. I don't think I'm writing this paper tonight. I need some rest. And I have my stupid music class tomorrow that I can't miss any more of. And that sucks. Good night.