communication breakdown (it drives you insane)
I feel eternally exhausted of life. In the past couple of days what was left of my spirit, I guess, has just been completely extricated from me. I constantly feel like just breaking down and sobbing for no apparent reason, and my usual lethargy has turned from that of self-entertainment to just...nothingness. I just don't want to do anything. And it's really grating on me because I'm normally the one who's constantly happy and careless...and this just feels fucked up. It's killing me.
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I mean, there's really nothing I can do about it, I suppose. Probably just normal teenage angst and all that wonderful shit. But this isn't how that works for me. It lasts for two days at most, and then I'm fine again. And it's not like being all depressed prohibits me from how I act. I doubt my friends ever take notice when I'm in such moods, because I try to keep up my usual disposition. It probably helps that I seem basically incapable of having an emotional relationship with anyone, too.
Which is one thing that I really fucking hate about myself. I feel that I can't really open myself up to anyone. At all. And it's not for lack of want, either, because I rather want to let people see a different side of me every once in a while. I've got this general idea that most of those I know think that I don't really have emotions. Inane idea, I suppose, but it's not as if I truly give them any reason to believe otherwise. And I partly feel that it's because I have to be strong. I can't let anything get to me, and if it somehow does, it can't outwardly affect me. Where I concocted this idea I have no idea; maybe it's from reading too many books about abusive relationships or just idiotic females in general, but I somehow managed to get that in my head, and it's not going away anytime soon. All this isn't to say that I find emotion to be a weakness, because I most definitely do not. I actually find it pretty endearing, especially, of course, when a guy lets his emotions show. But nevertheless, this self-imposed stoical state makes me feel deprived of normal relationships...which makes sense, I suppose. Because a relationship is truly nothing without emotion. Or rather, without communication of said emotion, the relationship can feel strained, or just somewhat empty. Either way, I'd like to be able to actually share how I feel in honest terms without feeling the need to hide behind cynicism and not-so-subtle innuendos. I'm really too scared to try it, though, in the truth of it all. The fear of vulnerability and thus potential rejection overshadows my want for genuine sharing of emotions and all that comes with it. I'm also still pretty frightened by the overall concept of relationships, serious ones at that, and I find that I have no real way to express that.
In fact, there's nothing I can do about any of this, at all, except to just get out there and fucking figure it out. And shit will happen, some that I'll probably regret, but it's a learning opportunity and all of that. No other way to go about it, I suppose. The most you can ever really do is just fuck it all and do your damnedest.
I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I mean, there's really nothing I can do about it, I suppose. Probably just normal teenage angst and all that wonderful shit. But this isn't how that works for me. It lasts for two days at most, and then I'm fine again. And it's not like being all depressed prohibits me from how I act. I doubt my friends ever take notice when I'm in such moods, because I try to keep up my usual disposition. It probably helps that I seem basically incapable of having an emotional relationship with anyone, too.
Which is one thing that I really fucking hate about myself. I feel that I can't really open myself up to anyone. At all. And it's not for lack of want, either, because I rather want to let people see a different side of me every once in a while. I've got this general idea that most of those I know think that I don't really have emotions. Inane idea, I suppose, but it's not as if I truly give them any reason to believe otherwise. And I partly feel that it's because I have to be strong. I can't let anything get to me, and if it somehow does, it can't outwardly affect me. Where I concocted this idea I have no idea; maybe it's from reading too many books about abusive relationships or just idiotic females in general, but I somehow managed to get that in my head, and it's not going away anytime soon. All this isn't to say that I find emotion to be a weakness, because I most definitely do not. I actually find it pretty endearing, especially, of course, when a guy lets his emotions show. But nevertheless, this self-imposed stoical state makes me feel deprived of normal relationships...which makes sense, I suppose. Because a relationship is truly nothing without emotion. Or rather, without communication of said emotion, the relationship can feel strained, or just somewhat empty. Either way, I'd like to be able to actually share how I feel in honest terms without feeling the need to hide behind cynicism and not-so-subtle innuendos. I'm really too scared to try it, though, in the truth of it all. The fear of vulnerability and thus potential rejection overshadows my want for genuine sharing of emotions and all that comes with it. I'm also still pretty frightened by the overall concept of relationships, serious ones at that, and I find that I have no real way to express that.
In fact, there's nothing I can do about any of this, at all, except to just get out there and fucking figure it out. And shit will happen, some that I'll probably regret, but it's a learning opportunity and all of that. No other way to go about it, I suppose. The most you can ever really do is just fuck it all and do your damnedest.