(break love before it breaks you)
Well. So yesterday was Valentine's Day. Oh, joy. I mean, I'm not really bitter or anything, but I just kinda miss the comfort of having a boyfriend. Although I've only had one, it was still a pretty good experience. At least, it was for a first time. It lasted for 7 weeks and 2 days (What's that? I'm pathetic? Oh, shut the hell up.) and then I broke it off, because he was too obsessed with sex. Yeah, yeah, he's a guy, what do I expect? But I told him I refused to do anything like that. I mean, he was my first kiss, and yet he expects me to immediately drop what innocence I have left for a quick fuck. Uh, no. (Isn't it amazing how guys' minds work?) Anyway, even after not wanting to hear about it, I find out that he cannot keep his goddam mouth shut. His friend Mark (who all the guys are "married to" and act gay with; it gets kinda annoying) talked to me about how horny Jake (that would be my ex, deruh) was. Then Sarah mentioned to me numerous times about how I needed to suck Jake off. Cause that's really what I wanted to hear! Long story short, I broke up with him, got kinda sad, then started screwing around with him again in class. We probably would've eventually gone back out if he hadn't gotten expelled for threatening to kill this dude. Obviously, or rather, hopefully, he wasn't being serious. So I'm actually rather thankful for whatever dumbass reported him. Because I know we would've gone back out, and I'd probably regret it just as much more. Cause as fun as the physical part was, it just wasn't enough. Not long after I broke up with him, he came over and we walked around, cause I was supposed to explain to him why I'd broken up with him (yeah, I couldn't do it for a bit, too sad. lol) and we just walked around my neighborhood and forest for like ages, and it was so much more enjoyable. Just to be with him and walk and talk and just be kinda normal, ya know? That's what I want in a relationship. I don't want a bunch of presents, I don't want a bunch of faked 'I love you's. I want real. I want to be myself, to be able to say whatever the hell I want and not be judged for it. I want that feeling of closeness and security that makes you feel like, no matter what has happened in the past, none of it matters right now. That lets you feel, for just a moment in time, that you're content. Cause that may be the only moment you'll ever get.