Ok here I go
This is gonna be a long fucking entry. I'm going to try to make it straight to the point about a lot of shit and hopefully break these off into paragraphs that make sense, but you know me, I go off on tangents.
First thing to hit. My last entry. I babbled, I know that. Some got confused, some got the message, yet I dont know if everyone got what I wanted to get across. So this is my chance to clarify. Let me forewarn you that I'm not going to be holding back shit on here. Nothing, nada. I have been doing that for so long (I cant even remember where it all started) that it's finally built up and like the little volcano that i am, lava's spurting out.
The main jist(sp?) of my last entry was about change. Between me, you guys, our environment, and where we stand with each other. I'm coming straight out with this. I MISS YOU. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. I miss our past. All the fun we had in high school, junior high and over the summers. I miss the fact that I knew I had someone to cry to and on. It will never be that way again, or at least that's what it seems like right now. When I cry now, I either am alone or am afraid to call someone because I don't want to bother them. It sucks not knowing who to depend on anymore and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm a very dependent person most of the time. That's why Harper is so hard for me, that's why waking up is so hard for me. I have nothing to look forward to all day, every day. Nothing against Steph or Rose. It seems like everyone that's away at school or not even that have new lives. Without me. I dont feel like I belong anywhere. At work, it's all about having fun, going to bars after work and I cant do that. I'm the youngest. With Steph and Rose even, I dont know it's weird because they have there Park Ridge and Shapiro boys. I'm a wheel thats not needed. Yuck. Scott and Justin have the city and there new friends now and all new experiences ahead of them. Knate's with Clair and I dont want to be another wheel. Pasco's with Matt. On and on and on.
I've cried so much this past week and I had such a bad breakdown Monday or Tuesday night. I sat in the corner of my bed and couldnt breathe. I called Steph looking for Tyler because well I dont know he just somehow always knows the right things to say to cheer me up and I called Justin because well, it's justin. The main reason why I called him is the fact that I felt something I never wanted to feel. Some people will know what I'm talking about...remember that cocky asshole in high school with the initials B.F.??? And how we said that we couldnt wait til he got to college because he would be nobody and his ego would go down the drain??? Yeah well stupid me, never realized that I had an ego too. I was surrounded by friends that I loved and loved me too in high school. I had an amazing boyfriend that I tried to show that I appreciated. So that Mon/Tue night I broke down because I realized that I had become what I wanted BF to become. A nobody with an ego down the drain. There arent people at Harper constantly hugging me or laughing with me or talking with me. There's no one to walk with, talk with, go out to lunch with, or write notes to. This is by far the loneliest I've ever felt since junior year when I had no friends. I called Justin because him being what I looked at as "The Big Man On Campus" at PHS, I thought he would know how I feel going into a new environment where no one knows you at all and if you have your head too high, you look like a cocky mother fucker and where there are others that are "bigger and better" than you.
Now for Steph's entry in the ventroom and Scott's entry in his lj. As much as I would like to say that I wouldn't change anything about my past, I would. I have regrets and I would love to change them but at the same time I don't want to. This is what really hit me hard. Could you ever have kissed someone but didn't have the guts...has your last memory of someone been you yelling at them when really all you wanted to do was tell them you loved them. As much as I would never admit it before and I don't want to admit it now I will because like i said in the beginning, I'm not holding anything back in this entry.
So Scott, those times where you and me fought over this past summer and said harsh words and made each other cry, all I really wanted to do was be with you. Not with Josh, not with the random hookups I've gone through, but you and only you. I was still so in love with you, I loved it when you would pick me up just to get cigarettes or when you would just randomly call me. I never admit things like this because I know I'm gonna get shit on. Steph, Pasco, Lindsey, Blanchard, and Tyler all saw me that one night at SnS when I broke down and asked Ty if I ever was going to be happy again and if I was ever gonna find someone like you again. I think that was the first and the last time that I let anyone see that us not being together was killing me. God, Scott, if you only knew everything on my mind that summer. I wasn't drinking because I was depressed, I was drinking to get you out of my fucking mind. As much as I showed that I was alright with you dating Ellen and others, it hurt me so much. And I never said anything before because you kept asking me if I was ok with you talking about them and ok with you saying that stuff about them. But I wasn't. I just still wanted to be the only girl you went to to tell that kind of stuff to. I didn't want anyone to replace me. So I put a smile on my face and I was happy for you when I was dying inside. I wanted you to say those things about me again. I wanted you to be how you used to be with me. I miss the flowers, the random notes, the videos and movies, the Tuesdays and Thursdays at your house. God. I'm still happy for you and I always will be and I'm still always here to listen, but just sometimes it gets so hard for me. That's why I push you away. Like last night, I didnt mean to be a bitch but I was crying and I couldnt continue on talking to you without starting to cry. I dont like that. I dont want to be that person I used to be, but it seems like I'm on the road there. And I'm sorry that this is what you feel like about me. And even when I bend over backwards for her she still treats me like fucking shit and walks all over me just like when we were dating I never meant to treat you like that. I swear to god. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I wanted to be the best for you. You were the best for me. You're something I'll never come close to again when it comes to a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. I was like that because of my past. I dont trust easy and when I do I get fucked. You sadly even showed me that.
Was I really a horrible gf? Am I really a horrible friend? Sorry guys that this is so long. I just had to finally get everything off my back. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep now.
I just really had to throw myself a pity party.
"So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get,
so much for, so much more"
"I am fairly agile
I can bend and not break
Or I can break and take it with a smile
And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine
Try to understand there's and old mistake that fools will make
And I'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away"