Broken

Sep 27, 2008 01:28

i've slowly made improvements these past 2 years but this past month i feel completely and utterly broken.

i havent been sleeping
  i've never experienced this i was diagnosed with clinical depression at 13 and its common knowledge that i can sleep at the drop of the hat, but even with sleeping pills i havent been able to sleep.
this week i've been averaging 3 or so hours which is better but one night this week i had 6 hours and i had a dream where we were at this marina dropping someone off for a date (weird i know) and i saw on one of the boats was my brother mikey (the one who died) so i went on and was talking to him he introduced him as joe.
even in the dream i just kinda sat there in awe no need to even talk just to be around him was enough... then it was time to go and they had to drag me out
i think that had alot to do with the fact that me and dave (my other brother) were in a fight and up until today hadnt talked since my birthday.
i cling to him in what im sure is not a healthy way.
and not talking to him was physically painful
its just something after mike died i really felt i needed
i think its because i feel like he's the only one who really gets it.
we are both so royally screwed up and its a comfort to be around someone on my level.
but i am sick to death of feeling broken.
even my "good days" arent good days they are ok days
and i really dont want to have to go through the rest of my life being "ok".
my ex fiance has about 10 weeks till his baby is born and that breaks my heart into so many pieces.
i just feel so lost.
work is good.
ava loves school
i volunteered to help this past week and ava is so ahead of her class :) (and im not just bragging lol)
well now i think im gonna go watch the sex and the city movie and hopefully pass out on the couch.
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