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feel like crap today, so I didnt go to work, my mom bitched at me for it so I got upset. I havent taken my meds in a couple days so I really feel wierd and lightheaded.
I spent the day watchin trigun and a little azumanga dioh. didn't really do much else than that. I got into an arguement with my ex about stupid shit and that didnt help much. talked to rachael for a little while, tried to make plans to hang out with her 2morrow, but she isn't sure as to what she is doing when she gets out from work, so I just said it was no problem. if we can't, we can't, if we can, i hope it'll be a lot of fun
Little bro did nothing but bug me all day, I felt like just jumping at him and kicking the crap out of him, but i didnt feel well so I just told him over and over again to get out of my room.
Sometimes I wonder why I get so lonely, what is it that I am looking for? am I looking for a friend, a relationship, or just someone to talk to? it's hard to tell these past couple of years.
over the weekend I met someone. When I first met this person, I wanted to get to know her cuz she seemed to be really cool, so I paid for a few of her games. Then I began to talk to her a little, and ended up giving out my info to her, usually I don't do that, but something strange came over me, it was something that I saw in her eyes that made me feel like I could talk to her. At first, I didn't hear from her, so I thought "sigh, thought I was some wierdo or something", but out of nowhere I was invited to hang out with her, so I immediatly said sure and ended up hanging with her for a few hours. The next day we spent all day talking, we talked about anything and everything, from the most random things to the most interesting things, and I started to realize that she was a lot like me, and that made me start to like her.
it's been a while since I've acted like this, so I dont exactly know what to do, I mean, should I try to get a little closer to her, or should I back off and see what she does? I mean, if things do start leading down that road, I don't want to end up ruining anything because I was was being too nosey or start being obsessive or anything, I just want things to fall in place, if they do end up going that way.
AH who am I kiddin, look at me, im so messed up, I cant even go 2 days without taking some sort of medication to keep me from being depressed,....I fucking hate it! I just wish everything in my life would be normal, and that I didn't have all these stupid problems that I have. My ankle is screwed up, I have azma, I'm on depression meds, and everyone seems to be mad at me for one reason or another, and half the time idk why.
There are times where I think to myself, I should have gone through with it, I should have aplied more pressure, I was so close, but why didn't I do it? why did I stop? was I afraid? did I believe that something in my life would change? But that's when I realized something, a lot of people are happy that I am alive and are their friend, and that I can be there for them whenever they are down.
I spend a lot of time now a days trying to make others happy, trying to make them feel like they have something to live for, even though it should be myself that I should try to help. I don't ask anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want to lean on someone's shoulder and cry away all my pain and anguish that I have suffered for all these years. I don't want to see anyone else go through what I have, to feel the pain of being heart-broken, or to constantly be in pain for reasons that they can't explain.
...I just wish the world could be one big happy place, even if it means that my life be miserable. I'd rather have all the sins of everyone on my shoulders, than to see one more person destroy themselves because of the smallest reasons. I've had too many of my friends kill themselves because they thought they were depressed and had no more will to live......but they didn't understand what true agony was or what true depression was....
Killing yourself is just running away from your fears, it's just an easy way out of your problems in life, you need to take control of your life and be man or woman enough to realize that you have these problems and conquer them. I know I sound like I am contradicting myself by telling others to do things that I should do to help myself, but I'd rather first see other people be happy, before I am happy.
But after meeting someone new a few days ago, I realized that maybe I can be happy and still make others happy too.....
I spent the day watchin trigun and a little azumanga dioh. didn't really do much else than that. I got into an arguement with my ex about stupid shit and that didnt help much. talked to rachael for a little while, tried to make plans to hang out with her 2morrow, but she isn't sure as to what she is doing when she gets out from work, so I just said it was no problem. if we can't, we can't, if we can, i hope it'll be a lot of fun
Little bro did nothing but bug me all day, I felt like just jumping at him and kicking the crap out of him, but i didnt feel well so I just told him over and over again to get out of my room.
Sometimes I wonder why I get so lonely, what is it that I am looking for? am I looking for a friend, a relationship, or just someone to talk to? it's hard to tell these past couple of years.
over the weekend I met someone. When I first met this person, I wanted to get to know her cuz she seemed to be really cool, so I paid for a few of her games. Then I began to talk to her a little, and ended up giving out my info to her, usually I don't do that, but something strange came over me, it was something that I saw in her eyes that made me feel like I could talk to her. At first, I didn't hear from her, so I thought "sigh, thought I was some wierdo or something", but out of nowhere I was invited to hang out with her, so I immediatly said sure and ended up hanging with her for a few hours. The next day we spent all day talking, we talked about anything and everything, from the most random things to the most interesting things, and I started to realize that she was a lot like me, and that made me start to like her.
it's been a while since I've acted like this, so I dont exactly know what to do, I mean, should I try to get a little closer to her, or should I back off and see what she does? I mean, if things do start leading down that road, I don't want to end up ruining anything because I was was being too nosey or start being obsessive or anything, I just want things to fall in place, if they do end up going that way.
AH who am I kiddin, look at me, im so messed up, I cant even go 2 days without taking some sort of medication to keep me from being depressed,....I fucking hate it! I just wish everything in my life would be normal, and that I didn't have all these stupid problems that I have. My ankle is screwed up, I have azma, I'm on depression meds, and everyone seems to be mad at me for one reason or another, and half the time idk why.
There are times where I think to myself, I should have gone through with it, I should have aplied more pressure, I was so close, but why didn't I do it? why did I stop? was I afraid? did I believe that something in my life would change? But that's when I realized something, a lot of people are happy that I am alive and are their friend, and that I can be there for them whenever they are down.
I spend a lot of time now a days trying to make others happy, trying to make them feel like they have something to live for, even though it should be myself that I should try to help. I don't ask anyone to feel sorry for me, I just want to lean on someone's shoulder and cry away all my pain and anguish that I have suffered for all these years. I don't want to see anyone else go through what I have, to feel the pain of being heart-broken, or to constantly be in pain for reasons that they can't explain.
...I just wish the world could be one big happy place, even if it means that my life be miserable. I'd rather have all the sins of everyone on my shoulders, than to see one more person destroy themselves because of the smallest reasons. I've had too many of my friends kill themselves because they thought they were depressed and had no more will to live......but they didn't understand what true agony was or what true depression was....
Killing yourself is just running away from your fears, it's just an easy way out of your problems in life, you need to take control of your life and be man or woman enough to realize that you have these problems and conquer them. I know I sound like I am contradicting myself by telling others to do things that I should do to help myself, but I'd rather first see other people be happy, before I am happy.
But after meeting someone new a few days ago, I realized that maybe I can be happy and still make others happy too.....