No names: no packdrill

[evolvingpersona]

I wish I didn't give a damn about what people think of me. I feel like a prisoner to my words and actions. I'm all too concerned about people who shouldn't matter... and people who do. I'm tired of caring about it either way. But I'm never one who could say "I don't give a fuck" and really mean it (partly because I'm attempting to rid of that 4-letter-word from my vocabulary). I can't seem to break it even though I intellectually know that none of it really matters. I know why and I know how childish the reasons are that they choose to believe in that fractured manner. I know, but I still have my thoughts to deal with. I want everyone to live in a picturesque world where everyone gives everyone else the benefit of the doubt, where people are inherently good, where there is mutual trust, and people are careful with there anger and jealousy. I can't expect everyone to be like me. I just don't understand. And I ponder why, because if anyone were to really know me, they would have to see, I'm just not worthy of their hate.

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."
-Marlene Dietrich