My Re-evaluation
i guess it just came to me at the moment to write what's on my mind. as of now, my direction in life is going further than anything i possibly imagined over the past few years being in boston and away from my family. and i'm not just talking about the LA thing, that was my distinct plan and i will be there this summer. there have been many events that in one way or another have sidetracked me and been a struggle. most of them have been due to my careless and reckless mistakes that i'm still learning from day to day. i'm a thinker, there's no way around that and i ponder situations - good and bad - constantly. some have claimed that this is my downfall, while others respect my own sense of self and leave me be. that's cool on both sides because over time i've learned that you can't please everyone and you shouldn't want to. my personality, ha in my best way to describe it, is very obscure. one minute you may find me cracking a joke and goofing off, while the next you'll find me to be very serious. i'm weird, i've always been like that. even as a kid, i remember that i preferred to be on my own most of the time and didn't parktake or necessarily take things as seriously as some of my peers did. it was when i had my first (and only so far...) very serious relationship that this aspect seemed to be vanished from time to time. i'll say it without any regret that i loved this person with all my heart, even with both of our demons coming out and attacking each other time and time again. when she moved away from me, we both agreed to continue seeing each other, even though there were many bumps along the way. as a result of the said careless and reckless mistakes, i let the ball drop. yes, i broke her heart. i fully admit that, i was a drunken asshole who had it coming. so if you're reading this, i'm sorry.
i write this not to sound hung up, because i'm not. it's just that this was something that i can't overlook when evaluating my life.
I'm fucking crazy. I test my limits all the time, even though i know plenty of people who have taken excess to a whole nother level. I am the definition of your atypical college kid who's lucky enough to get by with the help of his parents and party it up when the time is available. at times, it gets repetitive and boring, and then i'll jump back into it and won't care.
My sense of self, physically, will always be that insecure fat kid, despite the fact that I'm 175 right now and my family thinks that I'm skinny as fuck. I don't really like how they question the way I've been able to lose this weight because I've done it the right way. My metabolism has sky-rocketed, I've cut back a little bit on my eating but that doesn't mean that I don't eat like I used to at all. Still love fast food and all the things that are bad for you. I'm happy with my self image, and it seems as though the various women that have been in my life since then have also liked this in particular. It took a lot of work, but that doesn't mean that I didn't know that most of them were into that one thing. I can guarentee that most would despise my personality after getting to know me. I'm not here to please anyone, take it or leave it. And if I don't think things aren't working out, I will let them know that because I consider myself honest and decent enough not to lead someone on. Things that bug me are when I'm questioned for my quiet personality as being something wrong, or insecurities getting in the way of things that could be better. I've got insecurities of my own, but at least I'm open about it. I don't like it when people are too afraid to express how they feel. I feel as though expression is one of the most important things in life.
My distaste for certain entertainment or image doesn't mean that I don't like people that enjoy it. I will however make a joke about it, which is meant to be sarcastic and not taken seriously. I make fun of everything, even myself. I think some of the dumbest and pointless things are the funniest in the world. I respect everyone as long as they're not: a racist, someone who thinks they're better than everyone else, men who hit women, someone with a violent and unnecessary personality, very immature, etc. What I'm trying to say is: I don't expect people to take me serious unless I'm being serious. I only expect respect.
I came here wanting to be an editor or doing something having to do with TV. As of now, I don't really know if that is my true goal in life. I know that it is something I can do to get by with a career. Television production at my school has for the most part turned me away from that due to bad teaching and not enough guidance. Writing has always been a pastime of mine, which I'm trying to incorporate now with scripts. Who knows what will happen while I'm out in LA, I just want the experience I feel I deserve. This is the real thing and I don't care what anyone says. College experience has no effect on trying to get a job out there unless you have a great connection or an internship. Music, as most of you know, is my true love. You could just tell by looking at the stacks of cds in my room, a cluttered mess which I have no ambition in cleaning up. Maybe that reflects my life right now, or maybe now is the first time I've said fuck it to just about everything and meant it. Here comes the pretentious rant because I'm better than everyone: (see, that was a joke) I feel like rock music is very lacking nowadays and although I've grown up on everything, rock was my first musical love. My first two albums were Pearl Jam - Ten and Pearl Jam - vs. This then provoked me to listen to classics as well as some of the angriest stuff I've ever heard. Come 2000ish, or maybe before then, rock when straight to hell. Radio runs on a format of what seems to be playing very little acts with any form of expression. Most indie rock I can't stand because it's so obscure and each band sounds relatively the same. I can say this about hip hop too, as my love for it started while I was in high school and has grown so much that my appreciation for rock has weakened. The hip hop underground is thriving, which I think is keeping its true essence alive. It has inspired me to dabble into production as well as to dig deeper with my writing. I figure this is something that I have to do and experiement with, just making my own music and being able to record it, as well as perform my writing. Like I said, I'm not here to please anyone, this is strictly for myself. So in the meantime, I'm trying to save up what little money I have to be able to do this, but the lack of work hours isn't helping. I just want to do this before I graduate and get a real job.
With this LA thing, I feel like I may be able to graduate early because I'm going during the summer. I may look into that option because as much as I love where I'm from, I feel like I haven't done enough exploring elsewhere. It has also given me thought to my outlook on lovelife, or lack of. I feel as though something serious is great, but I don't feel as though it would work for me with all these plans and goals to obtain in the near future. If I do graduate early, that means I'm out of here in about a year if I'm lucky. The thought of being with someone and moving somewhere far away from them just isn't a good idea for me. And I guess it's because I've been through that sort of situation before which makes me not want to try something like that again. Ultimately leaving someone for that I don't think is fair as well, I suppose maybe I'll take some more time to be with just myself. It's something I enjoy and am used to now, as I rediscover certain things about myself that remind me of me as an introvert child. Who knows what may happen though, that is just how I feel at the moment.
Regardless, life is great. There are people in my life who are truly amazing and I enjoy where I'm at right now. I've reconnected with people I thought I lost friendships with over stupidity and I've met some of the most interesting people out there. This inspires me and continues to help me in pushing forward with my goals, as well as my being open to just about anything aside from food. Hey, I'm a picky fuck. I'm done with this, this is unlocked for once so anyone can read it. Enjoy, and if I haven't hugged you lately then I owe you one.
i write this not to sound hung up, because i'm not. it's just that this was something that i can't overlook when evaluating my life.
I'm fucking crazy. I test my limits all the time, even though i know plenty of people who have taken excess to a whole nother level. I am the definition of your atypical college kid who's lucky enough to get by with the help of his parents and party it up when the time is available. at times, it gets repetitive and boring, and then i'll jump back into it and won't care.
My sense of self, physically, will always be that insecure fat kid, despite the fact that I'm 175 right now and my family thinks that I'm skinny as fuck. I don't really like how they question the way I've been able to lose this weight because I've done it the right way. My metabolism has sky-rocketed, I've cut back a little bit on my eating but that doesn't mean that I don't eat like I used to at all. Still love fast food and all the things that are bad for you. I'm happy with my self image, and it seems as though the various women that have been in my life since then have also liked this in particular. It took a lot of work, but that doesn't mean that I didn't know that most of them were into that one thing. I can guarentee that most would despise my personality after getting to know me. I'm not here to please anyone, take it or leave it. And if I don't think things aren't working out, I will let them know that because I consider myself honest and decent enough not to lead someone on. Things that bug me are when I'm questioned for my quiet personality as being something wrong, or insecurities getting in the way of things that could be better. I've got insecurities of my own, but at least I'm open about it. I don't like it when people are too afraid to express how they feel. I feel as though expression is one of the most important things in life.
My distaste for certain entertainment or image doesn't mean that I don't like people that enjoy it. I will however make a joke about it, which is meant to be sarcastic and not taken seriously. I make fun of everything, even myself. I think some of the dumbest and pointless things are the funniest in the world. I respect everyone as long as they're not: a racist, someone who thinks they're better than everyone else, men who hit women, someone with a violent and unnecessary personality, very immature, etc. What I'm trying to say is: I don't expect people to take me serious unless I'm being serious. I only expect respect.
I came here wanting to be an editor or doing something having to do with TV. As of now, I don't really know if that is my true goal in life. I know that it is something I can do to get by with a career. Television production at my school has for the most part turned me away from that due to bad teaching and not enough guidance. Writing has always been a pastime of mine, which I'm trying to incorporate now with scripts. Who knows what will happen while I'm out in LA, I just want the experience I feel I deserve. This is the real thing and I don't care what anyone says. College experience has no effect on trying to get a job out there unless you have a great connection or an internship. Music, as most of you know, is my true love. You could just tell by looking at the stacks of cds in my room, a cluttered mess which I have no ambition in cleaning up. Maybe that reflects my life right now, or maybe now is the first time I've said fuck it to just about everything and meant it. Here comes the pretentious rant because I'm better than everyone: (see, that was a joke) I feel like rock music is very lacking nowadays and although I've grown up on everything, rock was my first musical love. My first two albums were Pearl Jam - Ten and Pearl Jam - vs. This then provoked me to listen to classics as well as some of the angriest stuff I've ever heard. Come 2000ish, or maybe before then, rock when straight to hell. Radio runs on a format of what seems to be playing very little acts with any form of expression. Most indie rock I can't stand because it's so obscure and each band sounds relatively the same. I can say this about hip hop too, as my love for it started while I was in high school and has grown so much that my appreciation for rock has weakened. The hip hop underground is thriving, which I think is keeping its true essence alive. It has inspired me to dabble into production as well as to dig deeper with my writing. I figure this is something that I have to do and experiement with, just making my own music and being able to record it, as well as perform my writing. Like I said, I'm not here to please anyone, this is strictly for myself. So in the meantime, I'm trying to save up what little money I have to be able to do this, but the lack of work hours isn't helping. I just want to do this before I graduate and get a real job.
With this LA thing, I feel like I may be able to graduate early because I'm going during the summer. I may look into that option because as much as I love where I'm from, I feel like I haven't done enough exploring elsewhere. It has also given me thought to my outlook on lovelife, or lack of. I feel as though something serious is great, but I don't feel as though it would work for me with all these plans and goals to obtain in the near future. If I do graduate early, that means I'm out of here in about a year if I'm lucky. The thought of being with someone and moving somewhere far away from them just isn't a good idea for me. And I guess it's because I've been through that sort of situation before which makes me not want to try something like that again. Ultimately leaving someone for that I don't think is fair as well, I suppose maybe I'll take some more time to be with just myself. It's something I enjoy and am used to now, as I rediscover certain things about myself that remind me of me as an introvert child. Who knows what may happen though, that is just how I feel at the moment.
Regardless, life is great. There are people in my life who are truly amazing and I enjoy where I'm at right now. I've reconnected with people I thought I lost friendships with over stupidity and I've met some of the most interesting people out there. This inspires me and continues to help me in pushing forward with my goals, as well as my being open to just about anything aside from food. Hey, I'm a picky fuck. I'm done with this, this is unlocked for once so anyone can read it. Enjoy, and if I haven't hugged you lately then I owe you one.