Five Years

Nov 07, 2017 23:04


I've just filled a five year journal. Of course I did. This moment was inevitable. I can't say "time goes by so fast" or "I can't believe I actually filled in five years". I'm living this moment just like any other. What does that teach me?

What have I learned in five years? How have I changed? In most ways I haven't changed at all. I'm always searching. Searching for something more. Looking across the horizon at what may be.

But... I know I have improved my mental health. I feel more in control of it. I've found numerous solutions. I no longer want to die. I no longer feel hate, despair and abyssal depression. This I am thankful for. Good job me!

Idaho, Ireland, Portland, Kentucky. With some gaps in the bay area and chico. I do feel better. I feel better. But there are echoes.. shadows of who I've been that loom over every thought and action. Ways of thinking are engraved in my brain, even if I am no longer held captive by depression. I suppose I will always be like this.

I am comfortable. Often I think too comfortable. I long for more, a little more of everything. I long for a reason, for a cause, for something or someone to get out of bed for every morning. I long for a dream to latch onto. It's who I am.

I'm proud of myself for continuing the continue for the entire five years, despite doubts and bouts of extreme apathy and despair. I'm glad I have this record of this time. 

#iamtestingnewposteditor

Previous post
Up