Divine Design
After the Super Bowl, creeping into the wee hours of Monday morning, Timtim and the Miglo were watching canceled cable. The History Channel was showing something about the unknown contributers to the New Testament. Vinny and Tim would get into a discussion about apostles that sounded to my pagan ears like a Beatles reunion (except they never mentioned Ringo, or any of his Books. Their missing author?) Now, I'm not a very spiritual person. I find religion and theology, whether it be Christian, Muslim or Ancient Egyptian, to be fascinating, intellectually. I can respect anyone who wants to devote themselves to a higher purpose or calling. It's just not my thing. I just try to go through life doing what I think is morally right. So, I'm sitting at my computer half listening while they are having their talk. Then, I hear something that gets my attention: coming up next - Sex in the Bible. At first I thought it was a joke. I have never read the Bible. But then, I thought back to Clockwork Orange and Alex praising the Bible in prison. He said that he wasn't to impressed with the latter half of the book, all preachy and do-goody for his tastes. What he really enjoyed was the first part with the bloody fighting and the men laying down with their wives' handmaidens. Even though it was almost 3am, I was going to stay up and watch this show, to see what my man Alex was so on about. And I'm glad I did. Very entertaining and enlightening.
Apparently, God made it so that everyone had to wear clothes and women had to feel pain during childbirth because Eve took that stupid apple off that tree. Also, if I remember correctly, it was believed that women's sole purpose was to create child. "OH, but the devil tricked me!" Yeah, keep saying that on your way out of Paradise.
Bob Dylan taught me a little about religion
"God said to Abraham, Kill me a son.
Abe said Man, you must be puttin me on.
God said no, Abe said What?
God said you can do what you wanna do, but
next time you see me, man, you better run.
Abe said Where you want this killin done?
God said out on Hiway 61"
I spoke with my resident Bible scholars about what really happened between those two. God was, in fact, just kidding. He told Abe only when he had the knife in his hand ready to plunge into his son's heart.
God: Oh My-SELF! You really were gonna kill that kid, you sick, sick man! Nah, I'm just playin, your all right. I was just seein if you'd go through with it is all. (Psycho).
I'm told that the story was meant to be symbolic of God offering up his own son, not some practical joke on Abe.
Speaking of Abraham, he had this nephew in this little town of Sodom. The Soddamites really pissed off God and he was going to Wrath them. Their sin was so horrible that it wasn't mentioned, but many think it to be butt-sex, aka, sodomy. Abe talks God into letting his nephew, Lot, or Loht, I'm not too sure on the spelling, and his family go free and sends two angles to get them. A passing mob sees the two disguised angles go into Lot's house and get mad. They demand that Lot let the men out so that they can "know" (butt-rape) them. Lot, not wanting to piss off God, offers up his two virgin girls, Bambi and Boopsie, instead. Gee, thanks, Pop. Luckily, God intervenes, fire rains from the sky, Mrs. Lot is turned to salt for being nosy, and Lot and the Sodom-twins make it to the safety of a cave. The girls see the destruction and think that they are the last three people left on earth. Being from ancient times where it was thought that women were only for making babies, the girls took it upon themselves to repopulate the planet. They get their dad smashed on Jesus Juice and had their way with him, both conceiving (which is pretty crafty for a couple of virgins). Lot remembers nothing of the events, but sees his two girls pregnant. God, who must have been all plumb tuckered from all of that Wrathing earlier, does nothing. Some people on the show said that that was God's punishment to Lot, impregnating his two daughters, for offering them up to the crowd. If thats the case, what were the daughters' sins for doing their father? Incest is frowned upon just about universally, and virgins are supposed to be innocent and pure. If the Lot family was the best Sodom had to offer, no wonder it was burned to the ground.
If I understand it right, St Augustine ruined it for all the other priests to come. He was big into the celibacy and chastity thing, even though he had a heathen mistress earlier in his life. Before him, priests and all that could marry and have kids. Now, we have hundreds of accusations of molestation and sexual abuse from choir boys across the country. I know, hindsight is 20/20.
This wasn't in the show, but I've always thought that one of the most interesting figures in history was Rasputin, the Mad Monk. He said that in order to be forgiven, you first have to sin. So sin he did: drugs, alcohol and debauchery. Then he would go to church and be forgiven. He had quite the following, too. So much so that he was drugged, poisoned, stabbed, shot, beaten and drowned, all in one night. If memory serves, he was also found a mile or so upriver, where he had crawled to shore, only to slip back in and finally die. Sure, his ways were one step above Pagan Fertility Rituals, but it makes for some good stamina, apparently.
Now, I don't mean to offend anyone. Also, I am sure that I may have misinterpreted some things and gotten others just plain wrong. Don't hold back with the constructive criticisms.
Apparently, God made it so that everyone had to wear clothes and women had to feel pain during childbirth because Eve took that stupid apple off that tree. Also, if I remember correctly, it was believed that women's sole purpose was to create child. "OH, but the devil tricked me!" Yeah, keep saying that on your way out of Paradise.
Bob Dylan taught me a little about religion
"God said to Abraham, Kill me a son.
Abe said Man, you must be puttin me on.
God said no, Abe said What?
God said you can do what you wanna do, but
next time you see me, man, you better run.
Abe said Where you want this killin done?
God said out on Hiway 61"
I spoke with my resident Bible scholars about what really happened between those two. God was, in fact, just kidding. He told Abe only when he had the knife in his hand ready to plunge into his son's heart.
God: Oh My-SELF! You really were gonna kill that kid, you sick, sick man! Nah, I'm just playin, your all right. I was just seein if you'd go through with it is all. (Psycho).
I'm told that the story was meant to be symbolic of God offering up his own son, not some practical joke on Abe.
Speaking of Abraham, he had this nephew in this little town of Sodom. The Soddamites really pissed off God and he was going to Wrath them. Their sin was so horrible that it wasn't mentioned, but many think it to be butt-sex, aka, sodomy. Abe talks God into letting his nephew, Lot, or Loht, I'm not too sure on the spelling, and his family go free and sends two angles to get them. A passing mob sees the two disguised angles go into Lot's house and get mad. They demand that Lot let the men out so that they can "know" (butt-rape) them. Lot, not wanting to piss off God, offers up his two virgin girls, Bambi and Boopsie, instead. Gee, thanks, Pop. Luckily, God intervenes, fire rains from the sky, Mrs. Lot is turned to salt for being nosy, and Lot and the Sodom-twins make it to the safety of a cave. The girls see the destruction and think that they are the last three people left on earth. Being from ancient times where it was thought that women were only for making babies, the girls took it upon themselves to repopulate the planet. They get their dad smashed on Jesus Juice and had their way with him, both conceiving (which is pretty crafty for a couple of virgins). Lot remembers nothing of the events, but sees his two girls pregnant. God, who must have been all plumb tuckered from all of that Wrathing earlier, does nothing. Some people on the show said that that was God's punishment to Lot, impregnating his two daughters, for offering them up to the crowd. If thats the case, what were the daughters' sins for doing their father? Incest is frowned upon just about universally, and virgins are supposed to be innocent and pure. If the Lot family was the best Sodom had to offer, no wonder it was burned to the ground.
If I understand it right, St Augustine ruined it for all the other priests to come. He was big into the celibacy and chastity thing, even though he had a heathen mistress earlier in his life. Before him, priests and all that could marry and have kids. Now, we have hundreds of accusations of molestation and sexual abuse from choir boys across the country. I know, hindsight is 20/20.
This wasn't in the show, but I've always thought that one of the most interesting figures in history was Rasputin, the Mad Monk. He said that in order to be forgiven, you first have to sin. So sin he did: drugs, alcohol and debauchery. Then he would go to church and be forgiven. He had quite the following, too. So much so that he was drugged, poisoned, stabbed, shot, beaten and drowned, all in one night. If memory serves, he was also found a mile or so upriver, where he had crawled to shore, only to slip back in and finally die. Sure, his ways were one step above Pagan Fertility Rituals, but it makes for some good stamina, apparently.
Now, I don't mean to offend anyone. Also, I am sure that I may have misinterpreted some things and gotten others just plain wrong. Don't hold back with the constructive criticisms.