he's wanting me less
i watched through the peep hole this time as you stopped at the top of the stairs and looked back, one last time, towards my closed door. i wasnt sure if that was a tear that rolled down your cheek or not. so many times before, that final pause at the stair was greeted with one last smile, one last good-bye. this time, only a closed door met your glance, and one hidden, teary eye from behind. i wanted to throw the door open, yell for you to come back, to hold me a little longer, but you said that would only make it worse. our timing wasnt right, our lives werent quite synchronized, so it was time to close the door. my stomach churned as i snapped the deadbolt into place, locking you out, keeping you away, to let my heart break in silence.
i always described you to my mom as, "too good to be true." you were my prince, my fairy tale, my one chance at a happy ending. the two, beautiful, green-eyed lovers ride away into the sunset on a great, white horse. i always believed it was meant to be, you were my destiny, i had finally found my match. i guess i thought this because you embodied everything i found ideal in a guy. you were the man of my dreams. i never expected to meet someone with every quality i wanted, so i assumed that since i had, it must be something special. how dreams can be deceiving.
i finally told you i loved you tonight. im sure if i had allowed myself to think about it i could have stopped myself, but instead it just came out. "i love you so much. ive wanted to say that for a long time. there were so many times that we were laying together or getting off the phone that i wished for the strength to tell you that and not care what your response was, but i always cared." all you said in response to this was, "oh danny." like the "oh patches" you would say to a dog that has done something terribly wrong. my heart broke a little more with everything you said during that conversation.
you told me, so many times, that you never meant for me to fall in love with you. believe me, i never wished it upon myself either. i tried, for a very long time, to stop it, to roll all of my feelings for you back up the hill, but they were too strong for me. they plowed me over and we all came crashing down. everything came crashing down. i feel foolish for allowing myself to ever care about you this much, but its hard not to fall in love with your dreams.
as much as i hate to say it, i have a feeling that i will continue waiting for you, just beyond the peephole, atop the white horse. ill be stuck in this spot, searching my field of vision for you to run back up the stairs or jump on the back of the horse, put your arms around me, clasp your beautiful hands with mine, and continue our happy ending. so i feel trapped within the dawn, not wanting to watch the sun set without you by my side. but i know, eventually, the night must fall anyway.