Well..
I live to love but i don't love to live.. idk why i just wrote that, perhaps because it just jumped into my head and i felt it was a perfect way of summing up my thoughts of the moment. As many may have realized, i did not move to Florida even though i truly wanted to. there were many contributing factors in this decision, but hey thats life. Anyways heres an update on the past few months of my life. Recently i have given up drinking and smoking pot, i still smoke cigarettes but i hope to kick that sometime this year as well. Im not doing it as any kind of statement or for anyone besides myself so don't get that idea either. I realized i was just unhappy with it all anymore and that it was time to grow the fuck up and stop trying to kill emotions and feeling with some form of self-destruction. I've also realized that i do need to leave this town though sometime soon, i want to and at the same time i do not. I know thats contradicting but you wouldn't understand. In this place i have done too much, seen too much, killed myself, and hurt others. I hate myself for everything i've done and everything i've put others through in my selfish ways. It will be a while before i can get out of here but every penny i have goes towards bills and that ultimate goal. Idk where im going to go yet, i just know it will be away. Im tired, so very very tired anymore, idk why. I hate that i cant let go of people or things, and i hope these people are happy with where they are and what they're doing and who they're with, i really do, and i dont mean that in some prickish way, i mean it hole-heartedly. But at the same time i feel selfish because i want them, so very very badly. In the end though i realize that it was my wicked ways and lack of self control that got me where i am, and as much as i wish i could change what i've done and have it all back, i know that i cant and never will. I feel selfish for dwelling on the past but i want you to know i dont feel bad for myself, i feel bad for what i have done, and the sins i have committed. I dont deserve pity or trust, i dont deserve anything. Not that i would want either anyways. In the end all i can do is say im sorry and attempt after a year to move on and push any hope or feeling away. Honestly, if i could i would turn back time and make sure we never met if only to protect you from me. If you read this and you know who you are, You once asked me "Why?" why i was doing what i did and put you through what i did, i can answer you now. Because i was selfish, and too caught up in myself to realize what i had when i had it. So here to you kiddo, i say goodbye and that you were right, i never did find anyone that meant as much to me as you did. Those words still haunt me, and i truly mean it every word. To all others im sorry for letting you down, for not being there if you needed me when i said i would. i only wish that in time i can make up for it.