(no subject)
There are days when everything just seems to fall into place, days when I am truely happy to be here. Then, there are days in which I have to question why I am still alive. Somtimes I wonder what would be diffrent, how much easier it would have been for everyone else if I had never come out of that hostpital 2 years ago. In the two years since that day what have I done worth while? Some days I feel that moments like these are what I am still alive for. Who would not have gotten hurt, who would have it easier, who would think of me as a better person if I had died on that day. There are times I think I am going insaine, there are times I think I am the only saine one. Some days I wake up excited about what's next, and others I wake up and think, "fuck it wasn't all a dream and I have to live it for another day." There are times I feel I am so superficial, and times when I think I am the most selfish person. There are moments when I do things that catch even me off gaurd, maybe a stupid lie that I have to correct or acting like a diffrent person. There are moments when the word awkward just doesn't cut it... at times it seems much worse than awkward. Sometimes I feel rotten, and others I feel like a really good person. These inner battles go on every day. I don't know how to deal with people sometimes mostly (I believe) is because I never interacted with anyone else growing up. I have told people in the past that they will never truely never get to know the real me, they thought that was all emo and adolescent to say... sorry guys but it wasn't a lie. There are parts about me that I hate and others that I adore, there are things I think that are fucked up and things I think of that no one else seems to believe in anymore. I think what it all comes down to is that we are all selfish. I have learned a few things about people recently, No matter how much they say they will always be there for you they are lying. You are always alone in this world it's just a matter of how secure you can make yourself feel. Love is so much more intense when there are circumstances working against it. People are ugly, I used to look for the beauty in others and it's just too difficult to find anymore. People need to hate somthing, it gives them reason to exist. I have learned more intensly about forgiving and taking the blame for things that weren't your fault so that things can be better... it's called sacrafice. I have learned that everyone wants revenge. There was a situation not too long ago where circumstances that involved my situation were getting... lets say thin. Why? you ask because people needed a scapegoat and it always, not an exageration, always ends up being me. I have learned history always repeats itself. I have learned what it really means to be connected to someone. I know what it's like be forgotten, I know what it's like to have people who once cared about you stop caring so much and it's weird because it's all for selfish reasons. I have learned that it's easier for me to face things than to run away. I have learned to be manipulative even when I don't intend to. I have learned what friendship really is and what it really is supposed to be. I have learned that I am human and I make mistakes. I have learned what pride is to me and what pride is to others. I have learned how to take the bullet and to keep smiling. I have learned to cut myself off from the world and then delve back in head first. I have learned about growing older and change once again has interviened in my life. I have learned about myself and who I can become and who I refuse to turn into. I have learned that none of this will matter.