when it all falls down

[evilwink117]

You know, when everything falls apart right in front of your eyes, theres nothing else you can do but watch the peices fall down. You've been there before. You cant do anything quite yet, just watch everything come crashing down you know? You look at everything thats strewn all over everywhere and you cant even begin to think how to pick everything back up yet and put it into an unstable stack just so you can move around. But you do, you know you have to. A lot of us have felt it. You know, when you cant sleep at night because youre running everything over and over and over through your head. You like can feel your heart in your chest, like you literally can feel it wedged where its not supposed to be, really close to your throat. You know its like hard to breathe and when you get some undecent sleep you know its not going to last, oh no. You wake up feeling the exact same way, only worse and you wake up early, very early. Somehow now you can run on only 4 hours of sleep a night because you cant even train yourself to numb it yet, But you will. Youve done this before, youve cried, even tho you say you dont know how... every single day because it always seems the ones that love you "most" really slam you the hardest. And you know maybe thats why you dont get sleep, because you just keep thinking, why and how and just exactly how everything can fall apart. But each day you know what you have to do. You have to train yourself, and youre good at that, youre good at blocking your feelings out because you know that pretty soon you can make yourself not feel anything if you try hard enough. You swallow your heart everyday and yes, you do get out of that bed even though you feel the weight of the world pushing against you. You force yourself to try and believe that there are still good people out there, you know, the kind of people that are going to make you feel whole again. But deep down you know, you only need you now. Its YOU that can help yourself, force yourself to climb out of the whole, no one else. Youre shaking, youre shaking so hard because its like since you are hiding all the inside emotions theyre coming out and they are not holding back on your body, they are relentless. But you do, you get up every morning, and you try and believe. You try and believe that you will finally stack up all those broken peices, that you will be able to stand up, and stand up tall as soon as humanly possible. You know only time heals all wounds and that is by far the hardest medicine to swallow. It's funny really, how when something so bad happens, you even turn to God, and you may not even be the most religious person in the world. You like scream out inside your head to just let him make it stop hurting, to somehow administer a "forget everything" pill to you. You want to just erase EVERYTHING, have it be nothing more than a bad dream. But you know its not possible. Instead, you write it out in hopes that you can put yourself outside your own shoes and put every emotion into words that you can read over and over again to try understand.
But you wont, you wont for a long time

so when it all falls down, all you can do is just let it float, and let those peices drift. Its a mess, a really fucked up mess, but someday youre gonna have everything back together, maybe in a little bit of a different formation. If you can get through this hard stuff, and realize there are so many bad things in the world, and so many other things that you should put energy and tears in like death and suffering and all that, then that heart of yours will feel a little lighter. You will not only be a strong person, but you may very well be the strongest person that ever lived.