I fucking hate myself...again...
Again back to square one. Back to the root of all the pain I have. I try to do nice things, I try to stand by what I believe and feel. I show that is cannot hurt anyone to look at this picture...and yet...it hurts and I cannot understand how. i cannot understand how and why people get upset at me because I want to be who I am. Not what others want. I do my damnedest to not change people, let them live for who they are and not form an opinion of them from what they have done, but what they are doing now. Why is it feel like a one way street? Why is it wrong no matter how right it is? Why is it that I feel like a walking fuck up afterwards? I think it is because I try not to hurt people, but do so no matter what I do. No matter what course of action I take people get hurt. I would rather tear myself to pieces for someone not to be hurt. But it seems that hurts as well and I am in a no fucking win situation. I lose. Again. It is reasons like this that I wish I did end my life when I was younger. When life hadn't opened its window fully to me. It was so much easier to just let it all go. Now, I have morales and convictions and they are not meant to harm, but they end up doing so anyways. I should not be who I am. I should not try and change the world for the better. I should rot like the rest of the fucking human race.
But...I can't. I cannot just accept things for as they are when it can be better. I cannot just let it happen without doing something. i am just not built that way. See that fucking LJ icon of mine? That's me. I am both hated and loved for it. I do my best because it is all I have left inside of me. It is the only light I have in this darkness that lives inside of me. Don't like it? Then people need to do something because I am doing my damnedest for a better life for myself and for those I care about.
Sometimes I feel like Superman. I do what I can because people need it. People cry out for something that will bring hope and change for the better. So I do it because it is needed. Not because it is something I just need, but because it is needed by others mostly. In a small sense, I feel better about my existence.
Enough ranting.
But...I can't. I cannot just accept things for as they are when it can be better. I cannot just let it happen without doing something. i am just not built that way. See that fucking LJ icon of mine? That's me. I am both hated and loved for it. I do my best because it is all I have left inside of me. It is the only light I have in this darkness that lives inside of me. Don't like it? Then people need to do something because I am doing my damnedest for a better life for myself and for those I care about.
Sometimes I feel like Superman. I do what I can because people need it. People cry out for something that will bring hope and change for the better. So I do it because it is needed. Not because it is something I just need, but because it is needed by others mostly. In a small sense, I feel better about my existence.
Enough ranting.