(no subject)
I've been reminded today that I've become a bit quiet over the past few months. I've become a bit more introverted than I used to be. Some might blame it on the fact that I'm a Cancer hiding in the shell. In all honesty, I'm ashamed. I'm also low on personal time to do anything.
For years I bitched about how my ex wife left me for some guy she met off of the internet. Just picked up one week and ditched everything I had held dear for over 8 years. I then found a relationship that I enjoyed very much with someone. This relationship was with someone that I really didn't deserve in any respect. I wasn't in a position in life to help the relationship work even with her continued efforts. Over a years time I became more needy while she became a bit more guarded. I've realized that I'm really not someone who can have a poly relationship as a single individual. I crave the connection one has with living with an other. I hated being single with what turned out to be the constant carrot dangling just out of reach. I had all of you around me as well as my personal relationships, yet I felt more alone each day it continued. I am a family man. I've learned that I can't help that. That's what my heart craves to be. I am at home when I'm able to be a father and a husband. I know this sounds strange, but I'm no longer able to be comfortable as a single person.
I met Kim on-line. I went on a date and knew that I wouldn't be anything near to being who she would be interested in. She even brought her son along on the first date as an excuse if she needed to leave. We quickly became involved just as I've always done. It's nothing new to me to find someone in an instant that I want to be with. Or at least it's always seemed that way at any rate. She had had a poly relationship before and wasn't interested in having one even as a "primary". I realized that the relationships I had didn't full-fill me any more than on a temporary basis and I desired so much more. I did the unthinkable without paying attention to what I was doing. I left my relationships for someone I had just met on-line. I caused someone that I had loved to feel some of the pain I had once felt. I don't really know how deeply it was felt because she and I still hardly ever speak. I've became the monster that I once preached so vividly against. I finally understood my exes desertion. I understood how not being happy can lead you to accept bringing pain into someone else's life that you care about. It's not right, but it is what I've done. I fell in instant love and didn't allow anything to stand in the way. Even someone I had been in love with. I don't really know how she's doing or who she's dating now. I just hope that my being an ass isn't as pain-full as my experience was.
In the past year I've lost or become estranged from many of my friends. Maybe it's because they've decided I'm not someone they really want to be friends with. Or maybe I'm really just a bad friend. Perhaps what I've done just doesn't sit well in their stomachs. I'm happy and I know that doesn't excuse a thing. I betrayed the mighty poly lifestyle and even worse betrayed my previous relationships. I really wouldn't know where to begin in regaining my friendships both with friends and lovers. I do know that I miss all of you in all that I know as me.
I guess this will have to qualify as my update for today.
For years I bitched about how my ex wife left me for some guy she met off of the internet. Just picked up one week and ditched everything I had held dear for over 8 years. I then found a relationship that I enjoyed very much with someone. This relationship was with someone that I really didn't deserve in any respect. I wasn't in a position in life to help the relationship work even with her continued efforts. Over a years time I became more needy while she became a bit more guarded. I've realized that I'm really not someone who can have a poly relationship as a single individual. I crave the connection one has with living with an other. I hated being single with what turned out to be the constant carrot dangling just out of reach. I had all of you around me as well as my personal relationships, yet I felt more alone each day it continued. I am a family man. I've learned that I can't help that. That's what my heart craves to be. I am at home when I'm able to be a father and a husband. I know this sounds strange, but I'm no longer able to be comfortable as a single person.
I met Kim on-line. I went on a date and knew that I wouldn't be anything near to being who she would be interested in. She even brought her son along on the first date as an excuse if she needed to leave. We quickly became involved just as I've always done. It's nothing new to me to find someone in an instant that I want to be with. Or at least it's always seemed that way at any rate. She had had a poly relationship before and wasn't interested in having one even as a "primary". I realized that the relationships I had didn't full-fill me any more than on a temporary basis and I desired so much more. I did the unthinkable without paying attention to what I was doing. I left my relationships for someone I had just met on-line. I caused someone that I had loved to feel some of the pain I had once felt. I don't really know how deeply it was felt because she and I still hardly ever speak. I've became the monster that I once preached so vividly against. I finally understood my exes desertion. I understood how not being happy can lead you to accept bringing pain into someone else's life that you care about. It's not right, but it is what I've done. I fell in instant love and didn't allow anything to stand in the way. Even someone I had been in love with. I don't really know how she's doing or who she's dating now. I just hope that my being an ass isn't as pain-full as my experience was.
In the past year I've lost or become estranged from many of my friends. Maybe it's because they've decided I'm not someone they really want to be friends with. Or maybe I'm really just a bad friend. Perhaps what I've done just doesn't sit well in their stomachs. I'm happy and I know that doesn't excuse a thing. I betrayed the mighty poly lifestyle and even worse betrayed my previous relationships. I really wouldn't know where to begin in regaining my friendships both with friends and lovers. I do know that I miss all of you in all that I know as me.
I guess this will have to qualify as my update for today.