blech
i'm kinda sad today, not sure really why, except that it feels like i don't have much going for me. my best friend is homeschooling and dating someone whose guts i don't quite fancy, my other best friend and i are drifting apart, the people who i'm becoming closer to never have any money and i'm now running low because i always pay for their stuff. and they skip a lot. so i don't see them much. life feels like it only has little bits of happiness in it and then it goes back to regular life, no point in it. i work every once in a while, for four hours, at minimum wage, crappy job. stupid people surrounding me. friendships waining, not feeling like i'm making any strong friendships, getting closer to the end of highschool, towards a career for life and then retierment and eventually death. even if there was no death, seriously pointless. no point in life. yet i don't really want to die right now. but why? there's not really a point to it. oddly enough i don't feel capable of loving anyone right now, but i'm pretty sure that phase will pass. i just don't know why, and why it will be worth going on. the other people i'm tying friendships with don't live in the same state i do and so i neve really see them either. im kindof on a path for destruction. i know it's just hormones and lack of brain happy juice, but i still have to live with it for now and just wait for it to pass. everything just feels pointless. and i still have to go to work and school and i can't just hide in books and tv. it really sucks. i think i might be able to live with school, but school AND a job??? i don't know if i can keep at it. but school and restriction isn't so hot either. and no school and just a job doesn't quite fuel me with excitement. if i was actually DOING something. like if i had maybe a purpose in life, i think it might help, but i stil have so far to go before i'm free. i want to move around and visit my out-of-state friends and see new places and meet more people. spend some quality long-term time with people i care about. but i can't. i'm kind of tied down by obligations, and i would like to get rid of them. but i know i can't right now. sucks.