something that I have to live with, and it's harder then anything I've ever done.
Those of my friends who are closest to me know that I lost my virginity in a not so great way. In a round about way, I was raped, but I wouldn't really go that far. I was young, I didn't realize I had a choice, but we all do. I could've stand no, but I had never been that intimate with a guy before. but I won't get to far into it, it's really to painful to talk about.
That hardest thing I've ever had to do, is face the guy who did it me over and over again. At one point my little brother was engaged to his little sister, and I had to be nice to him, and see him at family social events. I had to keep a straight face. Of course my little brother didn't end up marry her, which is probably a good thing, so I don't have to see him as much, but I work in a public place now. And anyone at any moment can come into my store. and he does, on a regular basis, and I know it's just to torment me. I hate this guy. I hate him more then anyone I could ever hate, and I am more courtesy to him then I should ever have to be. The reason, because I know, one day, It might not be today, or tomorrow or even 10 years from now, he'll pay for everything he has ever done. but I won't be the one to bring it on him, the worse thing I could ever do at this point is act like he bothers me. I know this, but it still doesn't change how my heart drops and my panic raises in my chest when I see him. OR how dirty I feel, and how deep down I want to claw his eyes out, and I want to cry, and cry. I am stuck with those memories until the day I die, and the one thing that makes it all better is knowing that I will never ever let anything like that happen to me again.
That hardest thing I've ever had to do, is face the guy who did it me over and over again. At one point my little brother was engaged to his little sister, and I had to be nice to him, and see him at family social events. I had to keep a straight face. Of course my little brother didn't end up marry her, which is probably a good thing, so I don't have to see him as much, but I work in a public place now. And anyone at any moment can come into my store. and he does, on a regular basis, and I know it's just to torment me. I hate this guy. I hate him more then anyone I could ever hate, and I am more courtesy to him then I should ever have to be. The reason, because I know, one day, It might not be today, or tomorrow or even 10 years from now, he'll pay for everything he has ever done. but I won't be the one to bring it on him, the worse thing I could ever do at this point is act like he bothers me. I know this, but it still doesn't change how my heart drops and my panic raises in my chest when I see him. OR how dirty I feel, and how deep down I want to claw his eyes out, and I want to cry, and cry. I am stuck with those memories until the day I die, and the one thing that makes it all better is knowing that I will never ever let anything like that happen to me again.