i think my soul died
If your not like every other guy than what would you call friday night? only having anything to do with me 'cause im hot? WTF is that? And not even saying bye to me. *lame* Which by the way it was me who invite you, it was my idea. But i guess i do see where you learned to be so rude from. Wait i think it might be genetic. Oh and you want me to think your different, a nice guy? not a jerk? not like every other guy?
hmmm ok lets ponder this for a moment....(this might take a while)
Lets begin with the break up with Nick. One of the reasons i broke up with Nick was because i heard matt was going to start talking to me again. And i figured it would be better to prove to him that his friendship means a lot to me if i wasnt with Nick. So i ended up breaking up with Nick. (sun. 10-1)
And the next day (mon.) Ashley text me saying that Matt was at friendlys. So im thinking he is going to talk to me if he likes it or not. So i drive to the mall, and on the way, ashley told me that he was leaving. And she ended up telling him to wait 'cause i was on my way to come talk to him. So i get to the mall and call him, but he doesnt answer (go figure) so i find ashley and use her phone, and would you believe it 'cause he doesnt know the number he answers his phone! oh wow! *cough* Hmm...Anyways, i find out hes in hot topic so i go to wonder in too. And 'cause my emotions where hiting me hard, when i saw him the only thing i could say was "can i hug you?" yeah yeah i know that was lame. But its ok cause he gave me a hug. We ended up going outside to talk for a while, it was nice. He told me that he would still be friends and that he wasnt going anywhere. So of course by hearing this i was so happy that Matt was going to be in my life again. I missed him so much. After the mall we ended up going back behind rockfield mannor, (i think thats what the place is called) theres a bench back in the woods and it made it easier to talk. No taffic noise or lots of people around yay. And he told me that i need to get better, and that he was going to be there so i didnt have anything to worry about. Finally it was just to cold to stay outside anymore, so we get back to his car and he drives back to the mall 'cause that where i left my car. We ended making out and talking for hours. i didnt get home until 1:30 in the morning. (stupid school) And i actually fell asleep happy. I cant remember the last time that happend.
So we made plans to hang out on wed. (10-4) i skipped precalc (its a two hour class) just so i could see him sooner. And i even dressed up and wore my skirt, 'cause i know how much he likes it when i wear a skirt. When i got home from school i called him and he told me to hurry up 'cause there are lots of hugs and kisses waiting for me. When i got to his house, right when i walk in he hugs me and we made out in his doorway for like ever. And then we...yeah *cough* pretty much all day...umm yeah. And he kept telling me that he never thought he could get that close with me again. So thats when i made my oh so smart decision. (are you ready this is classic) I told him that i was going to commited myself to him if he likes it or not. And he told me that he wasnt going to do anything with anyone else or he will feel dirty, so he was commited to me. Seemed like everything was going great...until that night.
Matt wanted me to go to his police academy orientation that night. So i met him at the college, and he was late (he wanted me there earier) and i watch him pull in and then i believe his family was following him...and then his friends...i could be wrong but they were all in a big happy group. And why did i have to leave his house wait an hour and leave again to go to the college is messed up to me. Oh wait its cause Matt couldnt tell his parents that he was talking to me again. It was like i was a dirty little secret. (yes i know thats a song) so i stand by the main road into the college and watch them circle the parking lots, and walk up to me. Not one of them looked at all happy to see me...not even Matt. Which i was hoping that was 'cause he was just maybe nervous about that night. I mean after what we did all i day i would hope that he wasnt uphappy to see me. We go into the room and Matt had to sit up front with others. And "family and friends" sat behind them. (there was limit sitting) Well three of his friends went off in one direction, his parents an other. And his friend Amanda was just standing there. So i was thinking well i dont want her to sit alone, so i'll follow and sit with her. Well we ended up sitting in the row behind Matts parents. And i tried to talk to her, the lame hi how are you thing? But she just didnt seem interested and just didnt seem to want to sit with me. Oh and then it gets better. Matts mom turns around and sees Amanda and i sitting together, (and there is one empty sit next to her btw) so shes like hey Amanda why dont you come sit up here and we can catch up. And Amanda was like oh are you sure? And Matts mom was like yeah of course. Then she brushes off the chair and pats it. WTF IS THAT??? So now Amanda gets up and sits with Matts mom and oh yeah they really had a lot to say...not. And now Andrea is sitting by herself. As if i didnt already feel weird being there. *sigh* So i sat and watch the thing. Then they stole them so they can take a tour around the building and whatnot. And that was the time parents/friends could ask questions. And that didnt last long. And they were gone forever. So you know i go over to where the rest of Matts friends are and tried to talk to them, and guess what they did whenever i said anything. Kind of just looked at me and went back to talking about whatever. So im like ok thats cool, i wonder what matt has been saying about me. So finally what felt like a year they come out of hiding. And everyone is hugging and taking pictures being all around Matt, while i just kind of stand there off to the side cause i thought on how everything was going that if i tried to hug him his friends and family would tare me apart. No really they had that look in there eyes. So after having such a great time during the day, everything was going wrong at night. I was there for Matt, not for his family, not for his friends, but because he asked me to be there. And i wanted to be there for him, i was there. yeah. So then his parents left and then his friends left, but they were all meeting up at jasons house. And Matt was like i'll stay and talk to you for a little bit. I dont know it was just bad. I ended up sitting in his car, and then walking out, he then promise to call him on thursday when i got out of work. And he didnt want me to shut him out and all that good stuff. So then of course im thinking things will get better even if his friends and family just want to me down right rude to me...see i couldnt do what they did to someone. But thats just me i guess. i would feel bad. But i thought i still had him, so i was going to just deal with it for his sake. And just work harder to prove things to now to his family and friends, instead of just Matt.
Well the next day (thursday) i get out of work at like 6 and he told me that he would call me...he promised. Even though if you ask him he will say that he promised to call me wed after he was done hanging out with his friends, which he did. But the promise was on thursday i have a voicemail on my phone saying that he would talk to me on thursday. So its getting late, i think maybe 11ish. so i texted him. And no respond. Then i call him at like 2 in the morning. But i knew he said something about his family coming down so i figured he was hanging out with them. But i didnt think they would still be up at like 2 in the morning. And he told me to call him whenever i was upset. so yeah.
When i woke up on friday i text him asking if he was ignoring me, and if he was to just let me know. Even though im thinking no Matt wouldnt ignore me he said he wasnt going to do that shit. But i was wrong yet again. Finally he answers his phone and wouldnt let me say anything. He was saying that he cant do it and that he is ignoring me, and then he hangs up on me. Cool right? So i finally walk downstairs and saw my mom and just started crying. And i told her that Matt was ignoring me again. And i know that his family and friends dont like me and that they do play a big part in Matts life. And probably told him to stay away from me. So my mom was like we need to get through to him and his family first. That was then we ran out to go find a flower place that could deliver that day. I needed up sending him half a dozen roses. And my mom was like im sure he will still talk to you, he has mannors so he should thank you for the flowers. (if it was only that easy)
Saturday (10-7) i went to Becki and Erichs BBQ. But i was still feeling pretty bad that i didnt go to Sabrina's wedding. (yes a part of me was trying to avoid Nick) I got there early so i could spend time with Becki and Erich, and i was still upset with the whole Matt being like im ignoring you thing. So Erich kept asking me i was sure it would be ok for Matt to come 'cause if i didnt want him there he would tell Matt no, not to come. But i was like no he can come hoping that maybe we could talk and try to fix things. But no his idea of being "civil" is not looking at me or talking to me. I couldnt handle it well at all, i ended up not really eating (expect Beckis crack dip lol) and i had to leave the room. i know i know now im acting like a child. But it was that or cry (yeah im really messed up by this) So before he leaves i tried to talk to him, but i knew right away there was no way to get through to him. His eyes were dead. And he kept telling me that hes not a jerk and for me to not to think that. I mean really want else am i supposed to think.
The next time i saw him i believe was at the rehearsal dinner. Which i was so nervous on going, i really didnt want to see Matt. This whole situation was just getting way to hard for me. And because i would have to see him at the rehearsal dinner, i would have to see him at the wedding and i was dreading both. Which i know is a horrible thing to say. But i love Becki to dead and i was just afraid i would cause a scene and i just wanted everything to go perfect for her. I didnt want to mess anything up.
Yeah so we go to the Hall to practice and all that good stuff. Which actually wasnt as bad as i thought. Matt talked to me. And i was starting to feel a little bit better that he wasnt totally ignoring me. Which of course totally ruined my plan on just being a bitch to him and ignoring me. Kind of throw it back in his face. But i figured it didnt matter really if he wasnt talking to me, probably wouldnt have notice.
So we go do the dinner thing. And because Matt was talking to me, i knew we had assign seats, and i knew that Matt and i were far away apart as possible. (only 'cause we werent talking) I talked to Erichs mom and asked her if is was possible to put Matt and i together 'cause we were talking again i was just trying to fix things between us. I think my plan back fired. Well she was able to move us, she said that wasnt a problem. But it seemed like Matt didnt want any part of it. And when i tried to talk to him about anything he was all like the academy is going to be the love of my life. Which by the way he said that a lot. And the point i was trying to make with him, which i still dont think he understands, is that i just want to try to be friends with him. I'm not trying to be the love of his life. Even though that would be great. But what i really want is to just be friends with him. I never wanted to get in the way of the academy. I just wanted to be able to have his friendship. But i guess he thought there was something behind me just being friends. I guess that is waaaay to much to ask for. Yeah so that was fun. And for a lot of it Matt was all like im not a jerk im not like everyone else, i know what i did seems cold but my emotions were getting in the way and i had to do that.
And now its sunday, the big wedding day. Again i was nervous, one cause i was going to have to see Matt. Two i had to give a toast and i still had no idea what to say. And three i didnt want to fall down the isle or do something stupid. Which shocking enough i didnt fall, really didnt do anything stupid, everyone seemed to like my toast (even though i felt silly) and Matt even asked me to dance. But he still seemed kind of distance with me. Well i had fun at the wedding for the most part and im happy that everything seemed to work out. And by the way it was very pretty and now i finally have a brother. yay! (best brother ever)
Which now gets me to what happend friday night, oh that was fun. So i was thinking 'cause i wanted to hang out with my friends that we should all go to dennys. I called jimmy and ask him what he thought and he said he would go and for me to give other people a call. lol i was very busy at work...at the kiosk...being on the phone...i hate the kiosk. So i talked to Megan and asked if she wanted to go. And in the end her and paul were to busy moving to make it which was fine. And i talk to Ashley and she was in for it. And then i had the best idea ever! Since Matt said he wasnt ignoring me i thought it would be a good idea to invite him. (im just full of great ideas woohoo) So hes all like yeah i'll go, but to me it seemed like he was only going 'cause jimmy was going to be there. *sigh* He told me to call him when i was on my way to dennys and i did, and of course he didnt answer my phone call. And that didnt really surpise me. So i texted him just so he knew why i was calling. yeah. Pulled into the parking lot and saw RJs car and was shit this is going to be fun. Called Jimmy and was like umm yeah i think RJ is at dennys, his car is in the parking lot do you still want to do this? He was like were on our way and Matt is inside dennys. So now im thinking thats cool its ok for Matt to talk to Jimmy but not to me? How does that work. He wouldnt know Jimmy if it wasnt for me. Oh well. So i walk in thinking that he got a table but no he was sitting on the bench in the corner kind of looking dead like. But while i was looking for him i saw RJ sitting with Robbie. GAAHHHH yeah
So i told Matt that RJ was here and it was just weird. 'Cause the last time i saw him he was all like tell me you hate me so i can get over you. Which is just weird but whatever. But he didnt seem to care. But when i told him about him before 'cause he want to know everything...lets just Matt had a lot to say. So it kind of shocked...but not really, cause on how everything was going, that he didnt care. We waited for Jimmy and Ashley to come, and he talked about the academy which is cool. And we finally sat down, Matt and Jimmy just talked about cop things, guns, and whatever else. And cant remember at what point of that night that Tony showed up with was really cool. And then at one point Ashley got upset with Jimmy so she was texting me and Matt was like is that the douche bag? Since he calls RJ and Nick that i was like which one. He was like Nick...but i was just wondering...dont look into that...'cause i dont care. *sigh* You know he wouldnt have been there if it wasnt for me and he was just ignoring, and just being rude...atleast i thought he was. My emotions were already getting the best of me, i just had to put my head down and cry. WOOHOooOo crying at dennys is always the way to go -.-
So Ashley kicks Matt out and comes sit with me to try to find out whats wrong. And i told her, and you know what Matt knew i was crying and he just didnt care. The guys ended up going outside to talk and Ashley and i stayed at the table. We were there for like 10-15mins maybe, it could be more or less i really wanted paying much attention to the time. But Tony comes back and we decided to go to his apartment thing he is working on. But by the time i got outside Matt ran off and didnt even say bye to me. I mean WTF is that, to me its just rude, but whatever.
Tony told me a little bit what Matt said that pretty much he doesnt want anything to do with me again. And he told Becki something like he only had anything to do with me again 'cause he thinks im hot. Which now makes me want to pour acid on my face, 'cause i hate that. Guys are just like your hot can i fuck you? WTF?? i hate it so much.
So now here is the real question: How the fuck can you think your a nice guy after all that?? I honestly dont see it. And how is that not being a jerk?? Or like any other guy? I dont see that one either. It feels like he just used me. Which it wouldnt surpise me if he did. And the best part is, is that i told him i love him. Nice huh?
And im still commited -.-
Just so everyone knows, Matt was never a boyfriend. (people think he was, so i had to make that clear)
hmmm ok lets ponder this for a moment....(this might take a while)
Lets begin with the break up with Nick. One of the reasons i broke up with Nick was because i heard matt was going to start talking to me again. And i figured it would be better to prove to him that his friendship means a lot to me if i wasnt with Nick. So i ended up breaking up with Nick. (sun. 10-1)
And the next day (mon.) Ashley text me saying that Matt was at friendlys. So im thinking he is going to talk to me if he likes it or not. So i drive to the mall, and on the way, ashley told me that he was leaving. And she ended up telling him to wait 'cause i was on my way to come talk to him. So i get to the mall and call him, but he doesnt answer (go figure) so i find ashley and use her phone, and would you believe it 'cause he doesnt know the number he answers his phone! oh wow! *cough* Hmm...Anyways, i find out hes in hot topic so i go to wonder in too. And 'cause my emotions where hiting me hard, when i saw him the only thing i could say was "can i hug you?" yeah yeah i know that was lame. But its ok cause he gave me a hug. We ended up going outside to talk for a while, it was nice. He told me that he would still be friends and that he wasnt going anywhere. So of course by hearing this i was so happy that Matt was going to be in my life again. I missed him so much. After the mall we ended up going back behind rockfield mannor, (i think thats what the place is called) theres a bench back in the woods and it made it easier to talk. No taffic noise or lots of people around yay. And he told me that i need to get better, and that he was going to be there so i didnt have anything to worry about. Finally it was just to cold to stay outside anymore, so we get back to his car and he drives back to the mall 'cause that where i left my car. We ended making out and talking for hours. i didnt get home until 1:30 in the morning. (stupid school) And i actually fell asleep happy. I cant remember the last time that happend.
So we made plans to hang out on wed. (10-4) i skipped precalc (its a two hour class) just so i could see him sooner. And i even dressed up and wore my skirt, 'cause i know how much he likes it when i wear a skirt. When i got home from school i called him and he told me to hurry up 'cause there are lots of hugs and kisses waiting for me. When i got to his house, right when i walk in he hugs me and we made out in his doorway for like ever. And then we...yeah *cough* pretty much all day...umm yeah. And he kept telling me that he never thought he could get that close with me again. So thats when i made my oh so smart decision. (are you ready this is classic) I told him that i was going to commited myself to him if he likes it or not. And he told me that he wasnt going to do anything with anyone else or he will feel dirty, so he was commited to me. Seemed like everything was going great...until that night.
Matt wanted me to go to his police academy orientation that night. So i met him at the college, and he was late (he wanted me there earier) and i watch him pull in and then i believe his family was following him...and then his friends...i could be wrong but they were all in a big happy group. And why did i have to leave his house wait an hour and leave again to go to the college is messed up to me. Oh wait its cause Matt couldnt tell his parents that he was talking to me again. It was like i was a dirty little secret. (yes i know thats a song) so i stand by the main road into the college and watch them circle the parking lots, and walk up to me. Not one of them looked at all happy to see me...not even Matt. Which i was hoping that was 'cause he was just maybe nervous about that night. I mean after what we did all i day i would hope that he wasnt uphappy to see me. We go into the room and Matt had to sit up front with others. And "family and friends" sat behind them. (there was limit sitting) Well three of his friends went off in one direction, his parents an other. And his friend Amanda was just standing there. So i was thinking well i dont want her to sit alone, so i'll follow and sit with her. Well we ended up sitting in the row behind Matts parents. And i tried to talk to her, the lame hi how are you thing? But she just didnt seem interested and just didnt seem to want to sit with me. Oh and then it gets better. Matts mom turns around and sees Amanda and i sitting together, (and there is one empty sit next to her btw) so shes like hey Amanda why dont you come sit up here and we can catch up. And Amanda was like oh are you sure? And Matts mom was like yeah of course. Then she brushes off the chair and pats it. WTF IS THAT??? So now Amanda gets up and sits with Matts mom and oh yeah they really had a lot to say...not. And now Andrea is sitting by herself. As if i didnt already feel weird being there. *sigh* So i sat and watch the thing. Then they stole them so they can take a tour around the building and whatnot. And that was the time parents/friends could ask questions. And that didnt last long. And they were gone forever. So you know i go over to where the rest of Matts friends are and tried to talk to them, and guess what they did whenever i said anything. Kind of just looked at me and went back to talking about whatever. So im like ok thats cool, i wonder what matt has been saying about me. So finally what felt like a year they come out of hiding. And everyone is hugging and taking pictures being all around Matt, while i just kind of stand there off to the side cause i thought on how everything was going that if i tried to hug him his friends and family would tare me apart. No really they had that look in there eyes. So after having such a great time during the day, everything was going wrong at night. I was there for Matt, not for his family, not for his friends, but because he asked me to be there. And i wanted to be there for him, i was there. yeah. So then his parents left and then his friends left, but they were all meeting up at jasons house. And Matt was like i'll stay and talk to you for a little bit. I dont know it was just bad. I ended up sitting in his car, and then walking out, he then promise to call him on thursday when i got out of work. And he didnt want me to shut him out and all that good stuff. So then of course im thinking things will get better even if his friends and family just want to me down right rude to me...see i couldnt do what they did to someone. But thats just me i guess. i would feel bad. But i thought i still had him, so i was going to just deal with it for his sake. And just work harder to prove things to now to his family and friends, instead of just Matt.
Well the next day (thursday) i get out of work at like 6 and he told me that he would call me...he promised. Even though if you ask him he will say that he promised to call me wed after he was done hanging out with his friends, which he did. But the promise was on thursday i have a voicemail on my phone saying that he would talk to me on thursday. So its getting late, i think maybe 11ish. so i texted him. And no respond. Then i call him at like 2 in the morning. But i knew he said something about his family coming down so i figured he was hanging out with them. But i didnt think they would still be up at like 2 in the morning. And he told me to call him whenever i was upset. so yeah.
When i woke up on friday i text him asking if he was ignoring me, and if he was to just let me know. Even though im thinking no Matt wouldnt ignore me he said he wasnt going to do that shit. But i was wrong yet again. Finally he answers his phone and wouldnt let me say anything. He was saying that he cant do it and that he is ignoring me, and then he hangs up on me. Cool right? So i finally walk downstairs and saw my mom and just started crying. And i told her that Matt was ignoring me again. And i know that his family and friends dont like me and that they do play a big part in Matts life. And probably told him to stay away from me. So my mom was like we need to get through to him and his family first. That was then we ran out to go find a flower place that could deliver that day. I needed up sending him half a dozen roses. And my mom was like im sure he will still talk to you, he has mannors so he should thank you for the flowers. (if it was only that easy)
Saturday (10-7) i went to Becki and Erichs BBQ. But i was still feeling pretty bad that i didnt go to Sabrina's wedding. (yes a part of me was trying to avoid Nick) I got there early so i could spend time with Becki and Erich, and i was still upset with the whole Matt being like im ignoring you thing. So Erich kept asking me i was sure it would be ok for Matt to come 'cause if i didnt want him there he would tell Matt no, not to come. But i was like no he can come hoping that maybe we could talk and try to fix things. But no his idea of being "civil" is not looking at me or talking to me. I couldnt handle it well at all, i ended up not really eating (expect Beckis crack dip lol) and i had to leave the room. i know i know now im acting like a child. But it was that or cry (yeah im really messed up by this) So before he leaves i tried to talk to him, but i knew right away there was no way to get through to him. His eyes were dead. And he kept telling me that hes not a jerk and for me to not to think that. I mean really want else am i supposed to think.
The next time i saw him i believe was at the rehearsal dinner. Which i was so nervous on going, i really didnt want to see Matt. This whole situation was just getting way to hard for me. And because i would have to see him at the rehearsal dinner, i would have to see him at the wedding and i was dreading both. Which i know is a horrible thing to say. But i love Becki to dead and i was just afraid i would cause a scene and i just wanted everything to go perfect for her. I didnt want to mess anything up.
Yeah so we go to the Hall to practice and all that good stuff. Which actually wasnt as bad as i thought. Matt talked to me. And i was starting to feel a little bit better that he wasnt totally ignoring me. Which of course totally ruined my plan on just being a bitch to him and ignoring me. Kind of throw it back in his face. But i figured it didnt matter really if he wasnt talking to me, probably wouldnt have notice.
So we go do the dinner thing. And because Matt was talking to me, i knew we had assign seats, and i knew that Matt and i were far away apart as possible. (only 'cause we werent talking) I talked to Erichs mom and asked her if is was possible to put Matt and i together 'cause we were talking again i was just trying to fix things between us. I think my plan back fired. Well she was able to move us, she said that wasnt a problem. But it seemed like Matt didnt want any part of it. And when i tried to talk to him about anything he was all like the academy is going to be the love of my life. Which by the way he said that a lot. And the point i was trying to make with him, which i still dont think he understands, is that i just want to try to be friends with him. I'm not trying to be the love of his life. Even though that would be great. But what i really want is to just be friends with him. I never wanted to get in the way of the academy. I just wanted to be able to have his friendship. But i guess he thought there was something behind me just being friends. I guess that is waaaay to much to ask for. Yeah so that was fun. And for a lot of it Matt was all like im not a jerk im not like everyone else, i know what i did seems cold but my emotions were getting in the way and i had to do that.
And now its sunday, the big wedding day. Again i was nervous, one cause i was going to have to see Matt. Two i had to give a toast and i still had no idea what to say. And three i didnt want to fall down the isle or do something stupid. Which shocking enough i didnt fall, really didnt do anything stupid, everyone seemed to like my toast (even though i felt silly) and Matt even asked me to dance. But he still seemed kind of distance with me. Well i had fun at the wedding for the most part and im happy that everything seemed to work out. And by the way it was very pretty and now i finally have a brother. yay! (best brother ever)
Which now gets me to what happend friday night, oh that was fun. So i was thinking 'cause i wanted to hang out with my friends that we should all go to dennys. I called jimmy and ask him what he thought and he said he would go and for me to give other people a call. lol i was very busy at work...at the kiosk...being on the phone...i hate the kiosk. So i talked to Megan and asked if she wanted to go. And in the end her and paul were to busy moving to make it which was fine. And i talk to Ashley and she was in for it. And then i had the best idea ever! Since Matt said he wasnt ignoring me i thought it would be a good idea to invite him. (im just full of great ideas woohoo) So hes all like yeah i'll go, but to me it seemed like he was only going 'cause jimmy was going to be there. *sigh* He told me to call him when i was on my way to dennys and i did, and of course he didnt answer my phone call. And that didnt really surpise me. So i texted him just so he knew why i was calling. yeah. Pulled into the parking lot and saw RJs car and was shit this is going to be fun. Called Jimmy and was like umm yeah i think RJ is at dennys, his car is in the parking lot do you still want to do this? He was like were on our way and Matt is inside dennys. So now im thinking thats cool its ok for Matt to talk to Jimmy but not to me? How does that work. He wouldnt know Jimmy if it wasnt for me. Oh well. So i walk in thinking that he got a table but no he was sitting on the bench in the corner kind of looking dead like. But while i was looking for him i saw RJ sitting with Robbie. GAAHHHH yeah
So i told Matt that RJ was here and it was just weird. 'Cause the last time i saw him he was all like tell me you hate me so i can get over you. Which is just weird but whatever. But he didnt seem to care. But when i told him about him before 'cause he want to know everything...lets just Matt had a lot to say. So it kind of shocked...but not really, cause on how everything was going, that he didnt care. We waited for Jimmy and Ashley to come, and he talked about the academy which is cool. And we finally sat down, Matt and Jimmy just talked about cop things, guns, and whatever else. And cant remember at what point of that night that Tony showed up with was really cool. And then at one point Ashley got upset with Jimmy so she was texting me and Matt was like is that the douche bag? Since he calls RJ and Nick that i was like which one. He was like Nick...but i was just wondering...dont look into that...'cause i dont care. *sigh* You know he wouldnt have been there if it wasnt for me and he was just ignoring, and just being rude...atleast i thought he was. My emotions were already getting the best of me, i just had to put my head down and cry. WOOHOooOo crying at dennys is always the way to go -.-
So Ashley kicks Matt out and comes sit with me to try to find out whats wrong. And i told her, and you know what Matt knew i was crying and he just didnt care. The guys ended up going outside to talk and Ashley and i stayed at the table. We were there for like 10-15mins maybe, it could be more or less i really wanted paying much attention to the time. But Tony comes back and we decided to go to his apartment thing he is working on. But by the time i got outside Matt ran off and didnt even say bye to me. I mean WTF is that, to me its just rude, but whatever.
Tony told me a little bit what Matt said that pretty much he doesnt want anything to do with me again. And he told Becki something like he only had anything to do with me again 'cause he thinks im hot. Which now makes me want to pour acid on my face, 'cause i hate that. Guys are just like your hot can i fuck you? WTF?? i hate it so much.
So now here is the real question: How the fuck can you think your a nice guy after all that?? I honestly dont see it. And how is that not being a jerk?? Or like any other guy? I dont see that one either. It feels like he just used me. Which it wouldnt surpise me if he did. And the best part is, is that i told him i love him. Nice huh?
And im still commited -.-
Just so everyone knows, Matt was never a boyfriend. (people think he was, so i had to make that clear)