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I think I have a new favourite site to visit: Josh Friedman's Blog
Josh Friedman co-wrote Spielberg's War of the Worlds, wrote the screenplay for The Black Dahlia, and is lead showrunner on the upcoming series The Sarah Connor Chronicles. He is also frequently hilarious.
Example One
My wife and I had dinner with some friends the other night and before I'd even managed to massacre my second basket of free bread the subject of my blog came up. This happens quite frequently--mainly because I tend to bring it up. This particular time it was my friend:
FRIEND: So, Josh. Read your blog today.
ME: Thanks for taking the time.
FRIEND: These people, these studio executives. The ones that make the decisions to hire you...Do you think they like it when you call them shitbags?
ME: Is that what I did?
FRIEND: Quite clearly.
ME: I didn't think it was that clear.
FRIEND: You call them shitbags. I used to be one of those shitbags.
ME: And I call myself shit. It's an analogy.
FRIEND: Do you hate your career so much that you just want it to go away?
ME: I love my career.
FRIEND: Well you are a dumb motherfucker.
ME: Is that cheese bread?
Example Two
Some years ago a friend of mine brought me in for a job. It was a big opportunity--pretty much a greenlit movie with a major international action star fully committed. We always talk about the movie pitch.Well, this was a movie CATCH. All I had to do was meet the star, hear the movie he wanted to make, and nod my head. The job was mine. That was it.
My friend takes me to this enormous house International Star is renting in Beverly Hills. It's completely void of any furniture save a kitchen table and some chairs. Beyond that I saw the biggest living room I've ever seen in my life. In the center of it was a very large metal pole that had little to do with stripping and everything todo with the high-level acrobatic training done by the International Star and his very acrobatic entourage. At least that's what they told me.
I was introduced to the International Star, who, for reasons soon to be obvious, I will refer to as International Star. After some small talk, I settled in to hear the movie. What happened next was forty-five of the most entertaining and annoying minutes I have ever spent in the film business. International Star stood across from me and proceeded to act the movie out, giving me examples of action scenes, stunts, sight gags, etc. He never stopped moving for the better part of an hour.
And here's what he kept saying the entire time:
INTERNATIONAL STAR: So...we have a bar scene first. Maybe...a bar fight? Six men against me...I'll balance on a chair like this...take out all six...do my funny International Star thing...maybe drink their drinks...then we have some story bullshit...After that...I rescue this girl from...the whorehouse? Maybe bandits...I'll do my funny International Star thing...like with this chair here...Then some story bullshit...and I find this other girl tied up...there's a chair gag...then some story bullshit...
Here's the conversation I have in the car with my friend afterwards.
FRIEND: So...you're in, right? It's fucking awesome, right?
ME: You've gotta be kidding me.
FRIEND: What?
ME: Story bullshit? STORY BULLSHIT? My part in all this is...story bullshit?
FRIEND: Oh don't be so senstiive. That's just International Star. He's...international.
ME: He refers to my job as bullshit.
FRIEND: Which is exactly why I need you. You'll make it better than bullshit.
ME: No way. Not doing it.
FRIEND: You HAVE TO.
ME: I don't, actually.
FRIEND: I already told him you would.
ME: What!
FRIEND: I told him you'd do it. I told him you were perfect. He'll take it as a personal affront.
ME: I don't care.
FRIEND: I stuck my neck out for you. You can't fuck me like this.
ME: I'm afraid I am fucking you like this.
And so I did.