ATTACK OF THE IN-LAWS!!!
ATTACK OF THE IN-LAWS!!! yes that's right the next nineteen years fic is here!!! thank to all the people who voted in the poll eg me lz n mimzy. haz and coco im disappointed in you. aniway here it is hope you enjoy, plz comment:
Title: Attack of the In-Laws
Authors:
eviljellybabie and
monkeyhands3
Rating: PG
Warnings: Mild Swearing
Summary: In which Neville and Luna appear, Tonks goes crazy, Harry and Lupin have a mission and Bellatrix is a BIG FAT LIAR!!!
Author's Notes: Inspired by the neighbours episode Nobody's Pool where rosie's mum comes and is a loud proud annoying Cammeniti. Aniway bella succeeds *joy* but then Lupin finds something out…dun dun duhhh…
Lovegood and Longbottom
“Hello Harry.”
Harry looked up so fast his fringe flew up a little. “Luna!” Luna Lovegood was standing in front of him, smiling serenely. Next to her was Neville Longbottom, his arm wrapped around her waist, Harry reminded himself that they were going out now. “Hi Harry,” said Neville “it’s good to see you… yourself again.”
“Mmm,” Luna agreed “I prefer you this way. I’ve missed you a bit, you were put in isolation after you tried to strangle Cedric Diggory…” she trailed off and stared into space, a small smile playing across her lips as if reminiscing this happy memory. “Tonks told us we could come round,” Neville continued “she said something about phase 3: reactions to people from his past, know what she meant?”
“Oh yeah,” Harry said “she’s monitoring my progress after returning to the sane world. Stops her from having to go into the office.”
“BOO!”
Harry jumped and swivelled around. Fred stood behind him grinning from ear to ear, Neville and Luna were roaring with laughter. “Hi Fred!” choked Neville
“Harry, your face!” spluttered Luna
“Oi! Ip, Dip and Doo!” Lupin yelled as he entered the room “If any of you mentions anything about the wedding to Tonks, I will kill you! She has gone crazy!”
“Which kind of crazy?” asked Fred as though they were discussing the weather.
“Both!” replied Lupin.
“So she’s angry and insane?” Fred continued.
“Who is?” asked a voice from the doorway. They turned to see Tonks standing there. Her hair was tousled and mousey and there were dark circles under her eyes, she wore an old Hufflepuff jumper that looked like it would fit Hagrid better than her.
“Luna!” said Harry quickly, Neville raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah,” agreed Lupin “off in a world of her own.” he ruffled Luna’s hair, but she didn’t notice, she was indeed off in a world of her own. Anyway,” he continued “what’s for breakfast?”
Harry and Fred were given the gruelling task of looking for some food that was still within its best before date. The cupboards in the Weasley kitchen were refilled but never emptied, so shifting through the contents was slightly light shifting through a five-year-old’s toy box. There was so much in there! Eventually Fred managed to extract some Shreddies from the top cupboard.
When Harry was half-way through his cereal, Ron and Ginny came down. “Where’s Hermione?” demanded Ginny.
“At Draco’s.” Fred replied without looking up. A second later there was a knock on the door, then Hermione and Malfoy entered. Hermione was wearing jeans and a pink jacket Harry swore she’d had in third year. Malfoy also wore jeans, and a black t-shirt with a green jacket tied loosely round his waist.
“Hello,” said Hermione “eww! What is that?!” She was pointing to a bag of mouldy apples Harry had unearthed. “Shreddies?” asked Fred holding up the packet.
“Sure,” said Draco sitting down “you want some honey?”
“I’d love some sweetums,” said Ron pulling up a chair. Hermione punched him playfully on the arm “Yes thank, Draco,” she said. Tonks and Lupin, who seemed to have gained the ability to eat superspeed finished first and quickly left. “So,” said Malfoy leaning back in his chair “whadda ya wanna do today?”
“Umm,” Hermione also leant back “Diagon Alley?” There was a murmur of agreement.
“No way,” said Lupin who had poked his head round the doorframe “if Harry goes, Tonks has to go too and I don’t want her running into her parents and breaking down again.”
Boredom with a Capital B
Their plans for the day ruined, Harry, Fred, Luna, Neville and Hermione had retreated to the lounge, Ron had skipped off to the Ministry with his dad and Draco had let for his job at Percy’s taco stand “He wants to buy his own place you see,” Hermione had bragged “so he needs the money.” They had been banned from speaking to Tonks, who had slowly deteriorated over the morning, Lupin was desperately trying to stop her from bawling her eyes out and Mrs Weasley was in the village getting some more food.
“He’s seen this really nice one for not that much-”
“Shut up Hermione, we don’t want to hear anything else about Draco’s plans for the future.” snapped Fred
“Just ‘cause you’re still living with your parents.” muttered Hermione
“I’m not living with my parents!” yelled Fred “I’m just keeping Harry company! I live above the shop! Holy crap! The shop! I’m meant to stop in there check business is going OK!” he leapt out of his seat and tore out of the door.
“So anyway,” continued Hermione “it’s quite cheap and-”
“Oh, shut up!” moaned Neville, rolling over, Hermione pouted and stuck her nose in the air.
Harry fiddled with the knobs on the radio until River FM came on, they listen intently as there was nothing else to do. Luna kept laughing very hard at the jokes and Neville kept offering to get drinks. Eventually the doorbell rang “Oh thank God!” cried Harry and he leapt up to get it. “Hi, Bella!” he said when he saw who was standing there “shall I get Tonks?”
“Yes, please.” said Bella smiling.
“TONKS!” he yelled up the stairs. A few minutes later Lupin appeared dragging a very pale Tonks behind him.
“You look awful, sweetheart,” said Bella conversationally “but anyway, who’s a genius?!”
Tonks shrugged and Bellatrix looked a bit disappointed, but a second later she was smiling again. “Mum?!” Tonks gasped as though she couldn’t quite believe it. “Thanks Aunt Bella!” she squealed and grabbed her aunt.
“Well,” said Andromeda uncomfortably “knowing you Nymphadora, you probably haven’t even started to plan this wedding, so we’d better get to work.” Tonks looked a lot happier as her mum shooed Neville off the sofa and plonked herself down “Remus, take the boys and go play Quidditch or something,” said Andromeda “this really dosen’t concern you.” Lupin raised his eyebrows, but did what he was told, he ushered Harry and Neville out the room. “Now boys,” he told them “we seemed to have been invaded by these strange aliens called the In-Laws, but don’t be afraid, there is still hope … somehow.” Harry grinned “Now,” Lupin continued “Tonks, Hermione and Luna seem to have been captured and are no doubt being forced to look at wedding dresses and fetch biscuits for the In-Laws. Our mission, should we chose to except it is to rescue the prisoners and get the In-Laws out of the house by three thirty.”
“Yes.” said Harry and Neville in unison.
“Now,” said “you will address me as Agent R, Harry is Agent P and Neville is Agent L. Got it?”
“Got it.”
“Good. Let’s go! Harry’s room is our base.”
“Hey,” said Harry “why can’t it be your room?”
“Because Tonks would kill me. Now stop moaning before I fire you!”
They crept up the stairs and into Harry’s room. “Well,” said Lupin flopping down on the bed “we need supplies, Harry you can go sneak into the kitchen and get the food.”
“HUH?!”
“Harry, I have much more experience in the fields of weddings and In-Laws, it’s not pretty! Now I admit proposing to Tonks did cause this but, if I get killed down there they will slaughter you. You however are expendable.”
“HUH?!”
The Biscuit Mission
After 5 minutes of arguing, Harry finally agreed to go get supplies. Getting downstairs into the kitchen was the easy bit, no-one could have heard him over the wedding talk about wedding dresses, nor could they hear him over the fights on the colour if the dress (Tonks wanted hot pink to match the colour her hair would be on the day, but her mother obviously disagreed.) Finding food that wasn't past it's sell by date or mouldy, however, was the hard bit. Harry finally pulled out at old packet of crumpled up biscuits, he convinced himself biscuits didn't go off, and stole back upstairs. I'm quite good at this, he thought to himself, maybe if I hadn't been a wizard I could've been a spy. Deep in thought, Harry tripped over the last step, the contents of the biscuit packet going all over the floor with a SPLAT! Hmmm, maybe not, Harry re-thought to himself as Neville and Lupin came running out his bedroom.
“Oh well done Harry, there goes our brain food,” whined Neville, poking at the crumbs.
“Easily fixable,” replied Lupin, waving his wand, “Biscuit Repairo!” he said grandly, and the packet of biscuits were back, in all their glory.
“Why didn't you just magic up some food?” questioned Harry, taking a biscuit (Neville had already eaten three.)
“Couldn't be bothered,” Lupin replied airily, “Now back to the plan,”
“We could distract the In-laws and sneak the others out the room,” suggested Neville.
“But they'd just force them back into the living room, that's no good.” Lupin said hotly, obviously stressed. Harry smiled as a thought came into his head. "”hat if, say by coincidence, the In-laws started puking for no reason, or had major nosebleeds and had to go home and rest.”
“Fred and George's Puking Pastilles ans Nosebleed Nougats,” said Neville and Lupin triumphantly.
“Right troops,” stated Lupin, standing up, “we’re moving in. And this time, it's personal.”
They snuck back down the stairs, making freakishly little noise, then when they reached the hallway Lupin ushered them together “Now,” he said “I will give Bella a Puking Pastille. And you two will handle Andromeda, Neville take a Nosebleed Nougat and Harry take a Puking Pastille. Do NOT use both on her. Good Luck.”
“Good Luck.” they said then disappeared into the sitting room.
~~***~~
Lupin spotted Bella in the kitchen and quickly slipped in behind one of the cupboards, he stayed there, crouched, listening to what she was saying, or shouting.
“Andie! Just look how glad she is!” yelled Bellatrix
“I know Bella! She’s not my problem! He is!” shouted another voice, Andromeda’s, Remus was pretty sure he knew who he was.
“You were fine when I married Tom even though he was a half-blood!”
“I married a muggle-born! Besides, at least Tom was still human!”
“So is Remus! Andie why can’t you just accept he makes her happy!”
“Why can’t you see that he is too old, too poor and too dangerous!”
“Because he’s not!”
Andromeda stormed out of the room and Remus had to shrink back against the cupboard to stop himself being seen. Once Andromeda was out of the hallway he crawled away, slamming the front door behind him.
~~***~~
He sat alone, perched precariously on the fence, staring out across the field. So many thoughts were buzzing round his head, anger, misery, denial-
“Remus!” It was Bella, he turned around she was nearly next him now
“Hello Bella.” he said coldly, he had no idea why he was taking it out on her when she had been protecting him, maybe it was the fact he needed protecting from Andromeda. “Oh, Remus, you didn’t…?” she asked without needing to finish her sentence, they both knew what she was talking about.
“Every word,” he paused “maybe she’s right, maybe I am too old, too poor and too dangerous.”
“Remus, don’t say that.”
“I was gonna run away y’know, just now, like Sirius did.”
“Speaking of Sirius, I’ve been meaning to tell you-”
“But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t, not knowing she was still here. Why is that?”
“Remus, you love her. Don’t you see? Tonks is so happy, so alive round you.”
There was another pause. “How did you get her to come?” he asked
“I lied, told her Tonks was dying.”
“Why didn’t she just leave as soon as she saw me?”
“You saw how happy it made Tonks, no mother can resist that.”
“I never asked, do you and Tom have any children?”
“Yes,” said Bella as though she would rather not talk about it “a daughter, Carina, she’s away at the moment, you’ll meet her at the wedding.” Lupin had the good sense not to press the matter. “Anyway, how did you hear?” asked Bella obviously keen to change the subject. “I was behind the cupboard.”
“Why on Earth were you there?”
“I was mean to be slipping you a Puking Pastille to make you go earlier. In-Laws aren’t exactly my thing.”
“Ah, well, I think we’ll be going in a minute.”
“That’s not good.”
“Why? D’you want us to stay?”
“No. It’s just I’ve got Harry and Neville slipping Andromeda some Puking Pastilles and Nosebleed Nougats.”
Suddenly there was a cry from the house “I’b dunna be sick!” Oh no…