They've discovered the angle of attack...
I have been feeling horrid for the last week or two. Half of the time I don't sleep and the times when I get actual sleep, you wouldn't know it. My dreams have been eating away at me lately. Stuff that's too vivid, stuff that's too frantic and stuff that's too disgusting. Just last night my dream played out like the last episodes of Evangelion, the most vivid of which involved me trying to escape a bee from stinging me. Actually physically shook myself awake from that one. Then found a bee in my car today. Made it the opposite of a fun day. Learned the actual name for fear of bees: apiphobia. My name is Michael and I am an apiphobiac. Anyway, besides the crazy dream last night, there's been one dream that is hard to shake. I've had a variation of the first one 3 times now and it's making not want to sleep much anymore.
The dream takes place in some kind of party where I am mingling with a number of people, some of which I know and some of which are purely made up. At the party, I see someone I used to be in love with that I haven't spoken to in a very long time. I am always cognisant of the fact that I am dreaming and it annoys me to no end that I am unable to change the circumstances of a dream. Rather, I am left to just understand that I am dreaming and if I don't like something then tough shit. So when I see this person, I expect it to be exactly when I used to run across her in real life: we both pretend I'm not there and I walk away smiling about what a trip life is. Instead, upon seeing me she gets up out of her seat and enthusiastically comes to great me. I attempt to make a joking salutation, something that can be glossed over and escaped from if she desires since I figure she's making such a scene due to the company around the party. She does gloss over my hello but not to escape because she then comes into my arms and embraces me like a lover. I immediately feel sick. If I had any kind of control of my dream, I would have vomited but instead i just woke up and didn't sleep much the rest of the night. All of them have been pretty similar to that first one. I don't feel sick because I hate her or that she's repulsive to me. It's just that that's pretty much the last thing she would do and it disgusts me that my mind would reduce her to that, turn her into some clingy little lost dream. I mean, I know that wherever that feeling comes from it's somewhere in my subconcious and I've got about as much control over what goes on in there as I do over a pro football game but I just expect better of myself. Since my reformat it feels like all I've ever done is pine, with lots of sighs when no one is listening or long stares at freshly vacant passenger seats but to still pine over something I've thought I had gotten over is just pathetic. Every time I have it I feel ashamed and do everything I can to cut it short. I can at least control that. I've done what I can to keep her from speaking because god only knows what kind of wretched dialogue my mind would feed her. It's just left me feeling kinda shitty lately.
The dream takes place in some kind of party where I am mingling with a number of people, some of which I know and some of which are purely made up. At the party, I see someone I used to be in love with that I haven't spoken to in a very long time. I am always cognisant of the fact that I am dreaming and it annoys me to no end that I am unable to change the circumstances of a dream. Rather, I am left to just understand that I am dreaming and if I don't like something then tough shit. So when I see this person, I expect it to be exactly when I used to run across her in real life: we both pretend I'm not there and I walk away smiling about what a trip life is. Instead, upon seeing me she gets up out of her seat and enthusiastically comes to great me. I attempt to make a joking salutation, something that can be glossed over and escaped from if she desires since I figure she's making such a scene due to the company around the party. She does gloss over my hello but not to escape because she then comes into my arms and embraces me like a lover. I immediately feel sick. If I had any kind of control of my dream, I would have vomited but instead i just woke up and didn't sleep much the rest of the night. All of them have been pretty similar to that first one. I don't feel sick because I hate her or that she's repulsive to me. It's just that that's pretty much the last thing she would do and it disgusts me that my mind would reduce her to that, turn her into some clingy little lost dream. I mean, I know that wherever that feeling comes from it's somewhere in my subconcious and I've got about as much control over what goes on in there as I do over a pro football game but I just expect better of myself. Since my reformat it feels like all I've ever done is pine, with lots of sighs when no one is listening or long stares at freshly vacant passenger seats but to still pine over something I've thought I had gotten over is just pathetic. Every time I have it I feel ashamed and do everything I can to cut it short. I can at least control that. I've done what I can to keep her from speaking because god only knows what kind of wretched dialogue my mind would feed her. It's just left me feeling kinda shitty lately.