Mar 01, 2006 13:16
Something feels weird. It's difficult to explain. Seems like a piece of me is just...gone, or missing...and I just now seemed to notice it. Like something I lost a while back and never realized such until I saw someone else with what I had once possessed. Then I wondered where mine had gone. And I noticed the empty space where it used to rest. Hmmm...
I've realized lately just how lost I am sometimes. There are a few pieces to me that I don't know, and don't know how to know; but mostly there is the me I found a while back and have been ignoring, for one purpose of another. It really is easier to be lost, you see, to be wandering - because then you get to play the vitim. You don't have to choose. You don't have to be anything, because you've yet to discover what you want to be. It's so much easier to sit back and watch and whine. So much easier to stop trying and play dead. It stops the hurting. It stops the rejection. It stops the conflict.
But playing dead seems to have finally killed me. How ironic is that?
Time to revive myself, I suppose.
You can cut to the bone with all my angry obsessions, all these chalky pills and their consequences. I still think of you every time it snows. I remember how it felt for us to play in the rain. To sunbathe at the river, listening to music and wishing the summertime would never end. I recall our late-night movies and our fantastical obsessions. Our fantastic ability to consume massive amounts of junk food in such a small time. And I'm sorry I stopped being able to make excuses for myself and all my damaged acts. So I guess this is to drinking. This is to living. This is to packing up my shit and moving on. Lancaster is not my home anymore. My best side was your worst invention.
Oh, yeah: Lent sucks.