deleted notions of acceptance

[evilharper]

Tony Montana once said to his buddy (insert name here ______ cuz i fucken forgot meng): "In dis country you gotta get da money before you get da woman, dis way ju git da power." or something along those lines. I have relentlesly and against better judgement tried to do the exact opposite and always wondered what the fuck i was doing wrong. Money=power. Woman=?. Power=woman? so why can't you fuck money? might as well. I mean all you have to do is take out the middle man- err woman. WTF? but women don't have breasts. nor does it tell you that you are wonderful and remind them of their sister. WTF?x2. I don't know wether i'm fucked up and my perception of the world is so completely vile or its the actual world as noone else has the testicular fortitude to see that is vile. I wonder if the commercial ADHD-induced two-second spurts of good feelings you get from movie moments are what life is all about, or the lingering bad taste in your mouth from the fact that you ruined your fucking life by choosing to end it in order to end others' lives are what life is really supposed to be. They say life is what you make it. I say life is what makes you. I wonder if the afterlife- if any exists, is any better. What if its not? What if its the same old deal but with perks that get old after a few hundred years? Good god. Living for more than a hundred years. Scary. I hope there's alcohol in the afterlife. I hope there's weed. I want to toke up with god. I want to know what he/she has to say. I wonder if i'd be surprised... I wonder if i'd be able to keep up with conversation. I mean shit, talking to a being that has created all i know that is existance....all that knowledge. All that misery. All that time. All that bliss. The rage, the kindness, the life, the non-existance, the sadness, the happiness...its as if eating from an infinite buffet of every food ever made in the entire universe, and having only tasted the same old thing for about 60 years, .000000000000001% of everything, to be exact. I feel like a turd that is innevitably to be flushed into oblivion. Possibly enduring pain, paranoia and confusion in result.

FUCK!

Lou. WHat the fuck?!!!11111.

I. Eye. Aye. 00011101010101101000. Fuck I.