damned heart strings are a tugging away
11:31 PM 7/31/08 · The simplest way to put it is that I mate for life. However, varying from the animal I most closely identify with, I don't always get to stick with my mates, Really we're not actually mating in the typical sense, just going through the motions...
...but you gotta admit those motions are ever so fun.
Love is a tricky emotion and I seem to have it differently than most. When I love someone it is for life. An ending to the relation doesn't kill the feeling. Sure, I'll go through the emotional turmoil of the breakup and I may lose sight of it...but whenever it is I get back to myself I feel that love again.
One sided or not, love really is eternal with me. I say this differs from others because, at least so far as most of the cases I've witnessed, most people when they break up with someone they were involved with they declare holy war upon each other, demand the return of all the gifts they ever gave each other, and quite often go on tirades to others to ensure that everyone they knows feels as badly about their former other ½ as they do now.
The thing out of that I get the least? Return of gifts. I mean really, what's that about?
Spent the last day ago with
Anna and tonnage of people for her birthday, had a blast in Japantown. Late night dinner back at her family home. She's currently involved with a man I think most often as my best friend, who is oddly the wonkiest person I know. She and I were once involved and though we bizarrely, which is weird as we're so outspoken and most everything, never told we loved each other when we were together...we did after we parted company.
Don't know how she feels about me now, whether it's still the love or just bunches of happy, but I love her totally and completely. Actually, that kinda worked in her favor the other day. Odd thing she told me is that nobody she knows (hard to believe) gets her presents on her birthday. Ever. She had her eye on a pricey book while we in the bookstore, some Final Fantasy 20th Anniverssary thingamabob, that was out of her range so I scooped it up for her.
She was all aglow and giddy and I was in bliss...even before the two really great hugz she gave me.
That lady gives good hug.
Similarily, generally whenever I'm intimate with someone I tend to crave them like you wouldn't believe. This is the big reason why it's hard to be apart from
DKtm, longtime friend and nemesis, because we've been increasingly close the last few times we were about each other. I seriously crave her. Not just intimately, though that lady can kiss, but we had a nice night and some closeness and (Whee!) all and I haven't seen her since because her life is so busy...
...I'm coping but it kinda sucks.
I'm very geared towards kissing and generally when I ever start that with anyone I want to do it with them all the time. The one and only real exception to this is
Sylvan. Long story but yes, I kissed a guy one rather interesting night on his 21st birthday. Now him I've liked a longtime and while kissing a fellow male is decidedly not a repeat performance thing with me (so get that facial hair issue) it's kinda odd with him. Not that I ever want to kiss him again...but it may go a long way to explaining why whenever he's around I practically can be seen dragged in his wake because I must hug him.
It's a thing...go figure.
Which brings us all the way around to
Raven.
The 2nd to last time I saw her was at BayCon, which was fun for a variety of reasons. Amazing sex, possibly the best we've ever had, and she was sick the next day. Mostly incapacitated but I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed being with her for that and caring for her.
When she got to the event she was a wee bit drunk, and had a couple more drinks after she arrived. It was because of this that I later offered her the opportunity to not be held to what she told me while we were interlocked in the dark...
...she told me she loved me.
I said it back.
She didn't take the opportinuty to take it back, which I was grinning about even if she'd been made grumbly by the question. Wouldn't have mattered in the first place...because I said it. I said it because I felt it. Even if she'd said that she didn't actually love me I'm already there...
...and me being me, I will till the end of my days.
The fact that I love her is a bit wonky in itself to me as I'm not sure why. Not that I need a reason but in her case there's an element I've not had to deal with before. I hardly ever see
Raven, averages out to maybe once or twice any given 3 or 4 months. Usually I see love developing from continued encounters, ongoing conversations, a melding and blending of emotional expressions and shared experiences. To put it another way, I've known her now a bit over 2 years...
...and of that, we've only spent about, rough guesstimate, a litle under 3 weeks time with each other. Less than that, as that should've been a total of 504 hours, as we didn't necessarily spend all of those entire days together.
Most times I'm involved with someone, least in the past if I need something to use as a guideline to go by, if it was 3 weeks we're talking a normal span of that time and possibly multiple hours of each of those days wrapped around each and going at it like horny bunnies consecutively. Moreso for the weeks surrounding those and so on and so forth. Which is a fair description of how we often are with each other...but much more stretched out with big gaps inbetween.
Now, I suppose a common argument is that we're nonmonogamous and time stretched out and such a type of interaction might make sense. However, I've been this way for most of my encounters so it's not like this is something new...other than the great gaps of time with her. Also, someone might point out this is similar to what I described with
DKtm...but she and I haven't been as physically involved as
Raven and I so that's another difference there as well.
I don't know when the love for her kicked in. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Beyond my reckoning...but I feel it all the same.
You'd think that whatever it is that keeps her away would annoy me...but not so much. Not having her around more often does kinda grate but it's more the lack of time together and not what's keeping her away that bugs me. She is the most determined, dedicated, all consumingly focused person on putting her life in order person (yes I know I used it twice) I've ever met. Now, if she were bent on conquering the planet I might be a little worried...
...although it is nice to have that kinda power on one's side.
I love her so, as aggravating as not being able to see her more often is, that kinda means I must love her for what keeps her away from me too. Love is such a vicious cycle. Really, if I could have the power to do so, I wouldn't derail her plans but I might geographically move them so that while she might not have anymore time for me than she does now...she and her plans would be in easy walking distance so I could at least wave to her while I'm going shopping or something.
Sad lil' thing, aren't I?
...but you gotta admit those motions are ever so fun.
Love is a tricky emotion and I seem to have it differently than most. When I love someone it is for life. An ending to the relation doesn't kill the feeling. Sure, I'll go through the emotional turmoil of the breakup and I may lose sight of it...but whenever it is I get back to myself I feel that love again.
One sided or not, love really is eternal with me. I say this differs from others because, at least so far as most of the cases I've witnessed, most people when they break up with someone they were involved with they declare holy war upon each other, demand the return of all the gifts they ever gave each other, and quite often go on tirades to others to ensure that everyone they knows feels as badly about their former other ½ as they do now.
The thing out of that I get the least? Return of gifts. I mean really, what's that about?
Spent the last day ago with
Anna and tonnage of people for her birthday, had a blast in Japantown. Late night dinner back at her family home. She's currently involved with a man I think most often as my best friend, who is oddly the wonkiest person I know. She and I were once involved and though we bizarrely, which is weird as we're so outspoken and most everything, never told we loved each other when we were together...we did after we parted company.
Don't know how she feels about me now, whether it's still the love or just bunches of happy, but I love her totally and completely. Actually, that kinda worked in her favor the other day. Odd thing she told me is that nobody she knows (hard to believe) gets her presents on her birthday. Ever. She had her eye on a pricey book while we in the bookstore, some Final Fantasy 20th Anniverssary thingamabob, that was out of her range so I scooped it up for her.
She was all aglow and giddy and I was in bliss...even before the two really great hugz she gave me.
That lady gives good hug.
Similarily, generally whenever I'm intimate with someone I tend to crave them like you wouldn't believe. This is the big reason why it's hard to be apart from
DKtm, longtime friend and nemesis, because we've been increasingly close the last few times we were about each other. I seriously crave her. Not just intimately, though that lady can kiss, but we had a nice night and some closeness and (Whee!) all and I haven't seen her since because her life is so busy...
...I'm coping but it kinda sucks.
I'm very geared towards kissing and generally when I ever start that with anyone I want to do it with them all the time. The one and only real exception to this is
Sylvan. Long story but yes, I kissed a guy one rather interesting night on his 21st birthday. Now him I've liked a longtime and while kissing a fellow male is decidedly not a repeat performance thing with me (so get that facial hair issue) it's kinda odd with him. Not that I ever want to kiss him again...but it may go a long way to explaining why whenever he's around I practically can be seen dragged in his wake because I must hug him.
It's a thing...go figure.
Which brings us all the way around to
Raven.
The 2nd to last time I saw her was at BayCon, which was fun for a variety of reasons. Amazing sex, possibly the best we've ever had, and she was sick the next day. Mostly incapacitated but I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed being with her for that and caring for her.
When she got to the event she was a wee bit drunk, and had a couple more drinks after she arrived. It was because of this that I later offered her the opportunity to not be held to what she told me while we were interlocked in the dark...
...she told me she loved me.
I said it back.
She didn't take the opportinuty to take it back, which I was grinning about even if she'd been made grumbly by the question. Wouldn't have mattered in the first place...because I said it. I said it because I felt it. Even if she'd said that she didn't actually love me I'm already there...
...and me being me, I will till the end of my days.
The fact that I love her is a bit wonky in itself to me as I'm not sure why. Not that I need a reason but in her case there's an element I've not had to deal with before. I hardly ever see
Raven, averages out to maybe once or twice any given 3 or 4 months. Usually I see love developing from continued encounters, ongoing conversations, a melding and blending of emotional expressions and shared experiences. To put it another way, I've known her now a bit over 2 years...
...and of that, we've only spent about, rough guesstimate, a litle under 3 weeks time with each other. Less than that, as that should've been a total of 504 hours, as we didn't necessarily spend all of those entire days together.
Most times I'm involved with someone, least in the past if I need something to use as a guideline to go by, if it was 3 weeks we're talking a normal span of that time and possibly multiple hours of each of those days wrapped around each and going at it like horny bunnies consecutively. Moreso for the weeks surrounding those and so on and so forth. Which is a fair description of how we often are with each other...but much more stretched out with big gaps inbetween.
Now, I suppose a common argument is that we're nonmonogamous and time stretched out and such a type of interaction might make sense. However, I've been this way for most of my encounters so it's not like this is something new...other than the great gaps of time with her. Also, someone might point out this is similar to what I described with
DKtm...but she and I haven't been as physically involved as
Raven and I so that's another difference there as well.
I don't know when the love for her kicked in. Maybe absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Beyond my reckoning...but I feel it all the same.
You'd think that whatever it is that keeps her away would annoy me...but not so much. Not having her around more often does kinda grate but it's more the lack of time together and not what's keeping her away that bugs me. She is the most determined, dedicated, all consumingly focused person on putting her life in order person (yes I know I used it twice) I've ever met. Now, if she were bent on conquering the planet I might be a little worried...
...although it is nice to have that kinda power on one's side.
I love her so, as aggravating as not being able to see her more often is, that kinda means I must love her for what keeps her away from me too. Love is such a vicious cycle. Really, if I could have the power to do so, I wouldn't derail her plans but I might geographically move them so that while she might not have anymore time for me than she does now...she and her plans would be in easy walking distance so I could at least wave to her while I'm going shopping or something.
Sad lil' thing, aren't I?